She is weird. No, she is cute. No, she is different. No, she is crazy. NO, damnit I don't know who she is or what the hell is wrong with her. She leads me on and suddenly shows me the STOP signal. When she smiles, I am telling you, I can cry. It is that beautiful. When she is with me, I can't take my eyes off her. When she is around I find ways to just touch her, hold her hand or just be really close to her. She acts really close sometimes, but the very next moment she can just throw you out as if you are some mosquito that has fallen in her glass of milk.

She calls me when I send her a message saying that I am just not in the mood to eat. She calls me and admonishes me for starving myself. I felt like she kissed my heart. She showed concern. She showed care. She showed love; I guess that was what it was. I am not sure. She spoke to me for 5 hours. Yes, five hours, can you friggin believe that.

I don't know why I get so jealous when she talks to other guys. And I don't even know whether she feels the same way I feel for her. It's just crazy. I am a jerk I guess. I just look away when she touches other guys. When she touches their arms or shoulder, I go nuts. Its like I become this boiling, freaking, seething volcano. I can't do anything except looking away. Or just drive away. I would either drive home at a break neck speed, by doing which I could like probably kill myself, or I drive so dead slow that even the night could overtake me.

Once I was talking to her, she asked me, "Hey what's happening between us"?
I said, " I have no idea". I should have told her that I loved her (I guess I do), but then I have issues. I just don't want to settle down, but hey that's not the point. Then she said, "just forget it, I shouldn't have bought it up. It doesn't make any sense".
I said, "this right now is the only thing that makes the most sense to me and there is nothing else in the world that made as much sense". She said, "This is how most of my relationships have started. It started off with long phone calls. I don't have the power and strength to go any further. I am just scared of people. Let's not talk about us".

I said, "fine", because I didn't know what the hell to say. The she said the funniest thing. She said I just told you once to stop talking about us and you said yes. I was just tongue-tied, not knowing what to say. She said she has gone through so much in life that she doesn't trust guys anymore. She just doesn't want to make any effort towards anything. She doesn't want to take another step. She can't get close to any one.

I cried and I guess she sensed that and asked me and I said I am a guy and I don't cry. Haha, I fooled her. She said she thinks no one will be there for her. She says she knows that each relationship will bring its own share of highs and lows. And she doesn't want to go through the lows, so she is willing to sacrifice the highs. I just listened to her. She said "ok, I am not saying its over between us, but I don't know, I don't have time to invest in this relationship right now". And I don't even know whether we have something between us. But I felt something between us, I swear to God I felt it. But then I am a stupid, stupid, sensitive, emotional fool. I can't say whether what she said broke my heart or squashed it or churned it in a mixer or crushed it under a road roller. I felt sad at that moment. Do I think she is a f******g psycho? No I don't know. She also tells me that it's not my fault. She just has this tomb around her and doesn't want people to enter. She just shuts me out. I cried, I am crying now. Am I sad because I can't have her or am I sad that I love her or am I sad because she is so cold? I don't know. I really don't know.

I tell her that I have had experiences too that I don't know whether to call them issues or baggages. But it was somewhere down in my heart where I felt that whoever I will love would just leave me and go one day. She couldn't be meaner for what she said next. She said; she would go too one day after she finishes her studies. She said if you are angry with me, then you would take it out on your food, don't do that. I said food isn't worth that much. She said then I should take it out on her. I said no. Then she said, "Why am I not worth it?" I said with tears in my eyes that she was so much worth to me that she won't even understand. She couldn't see my tears through the telephone. Thank god. The next day I meet her, she is all business. Says a courteous hi and moves on. I just couldn't focus on my work. I sweared at my best friend for no reason at all. For no fault of his. Why did I have to get disturbed. Is it because she was ignoring me and didn't pay any attention to me or was I so hurt that I couldn't bear it or I don't know why the f**k is this happening.

I don't know whether I am a crazy fool for falling for her. And oh yeah I don't even know what it really is. Am I mad, am I a moron, am I an idiot. Why am I allowing her to do this to me. Why can't I be cool and calm about this and move on. And yes did I tell you I have met her just few days back and have seen her like I guess 7 - 8 times. She is driving me insane. And she is a part of me now. I don't know how to react when I see her. I act all stern and unconcerned, but the moment she just like even looks at me with a smile, I am telling you I can just die right there. The most peaceful death ever. Should I kill myself. No, I don't know. Do I love her? I don't know. Do I want to marry her, I don't know. Maybe if she lets me in I actually might. And for a guy who doesn't believe in the concept called marriage, that's a huge thing to say. Why is she like this? Why am I like this? Haha, I am stupid. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH".

"How is his condition Doctor?"

"Jean is not stable Mrs. Livingston. He does not talk about anything else except that girl. He starts crying in the middle of the night suddenly. Or he would just stand in front of the telephone and stare at it, as if he is waiting for her to call. He talks about her as if she is right in front of him or everything happened just yesterday. It's been 3 years Mrs.Livingston and I still go numb with pain when I hear him say that story".

"I hope she comes to meet him some day", said Mrs. Livingston.

"I hope so too Mrs.Livingston".