I didn’t meet her yesterday. And believe me, it was the hardest and longest day of my life. The time just wouldn’t pass. I try to find ways to feel depressed and miserable. So what I do, yes you are right, I go and read ‘Chicken Soup For the Soul’. Damnit. There is no better way to make yourself cry and in the process feel even more low and unloved. Then I see some emotional crap on the television and sink even further down.

I try to play my guitar and hope that it would help me put her off my mind for a while at least. “But NO…What do I sing? “A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face, a thousand lies made me older and I don’t think I can look at this the same…blah..blah..you’re still on my lonely mind…and I dream about you all the time”. NO other song mind you. Nothing. This was the only one I had to pick. This is what I would call a PERFECT song for a perfect situation. The awesome number by 3 Doors Down. I am crying and singing. Self-pity is disgusting. Jesus, I am pathetic. One thing I realized, when I am emotional, I sing more from my HEART and that made me feel so much better. “GOD if you could have my one wish come true, make that girl a lesbian, so that I could walk up to that other guy and SCREAM, “Haha, got you loser”. And then there’s more. I suddenly start singing Kelly Clarkson’s , “Behind these hazel eyes” (although I don’t have hazel eyes). “You made me feel alright for once in my life…now I can’t breathe, now I can’t sleep, I am barely hanging on…can’t deny, can’t pretend…the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes”. Such a nice song, “Crap, crap.crap,crap…I feel like CRAP”.<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> I swear I felt like I had hit the lowest point in my life and that’s the supernatural power GOD has given to girls. They can make you feel like you are the Lord of the Manor, King Of the Castle one moment and the very next moment they can make you feel like you're the “dirtiest scumbag wasting you time on this earth”. This is what makes me feel sometimes that GOD is definitely a woman who has this preconceived notion in her mind that men are just filthy bastards who need to be shot at sight.

This is when one tiny little man God might have invented beer. I drown myself in self-deprecation with a bottle of beer. Man! It is good. The mood altering power that it holds. Take a bow Mr.Beer. 

I go up to him.(At the moment I am going with a man GOD, makes me feel more comfortable). I tell him, “God either you just wipe my heart clean and turn me into this mean, uncaring, not-giving-a-shit kind of an animal or make her say those words that I am dying to hear”. I wait the entire day for a call from her or at least a message, asking me if I had my lunch or dinner or how was my day? But as I said, “The higher order was busy filling her gun barrel with loads of gunpowder”. But I am dead sure she would have called the other guy. How am I sure? Oh, I don’t know. But it surely helps me in beating my heart to death. What do I do? What do I do? I can’t call her. It would be so embarrassing. She will be able to totally tell that I am pathetic and I am begging for her attention. And what will I say even if I call? I don’t want to come across as this whiny, sad wretched soul who has nothing better to do. I guess that is one reason why everyone should get a job. At least then the job wouldn’t leave as much time to slobber yourself with decadence. I still would, but in my own time, not all the time.

Who’s there?

“Hehe, it’s me.

Me who?

"GOD."

"Why are you here? Haven’t you done enough for me already?"

“Well-well we shall see about that. I have a present for you.”

“Really, is it her? Please tell me its her.”

“Why don’t you see it for yourself”. Saying this he/she vanished and I was holding this big heavy box in my hands."             

“I open it and see lots of smoke coming out of it. And then suddenly I see my girl kissing the other guy. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like some one was brutally and viciously eating my heart piece by piece. I wanted to SCREAM my heart out, but some one had muted me. I couldn’t close my eyes, as I realized I had no eyelids. I couldn’t look away as my body had frozen. I couldn’t cover my face as I realized I had no hands. And they were looking at me and teasing me. I couldn’t EVEN CRY. My tears had dried up. You know how that feels. It’s like you love a person with all your heart and soul. You don’t feel the need to even touch her as you feel that what you have in your heart is far above all that. And then she accuses you of raping her”.

I jerk out of my sleep. I rush to the mirror to look at myself. I move my body. It was moving. I close my eyes. I was able to do that. I cover my face with my hands. I had hands. I scream. My neighbors drop in to ask me if everything was fine. That’s when I realized that whatever I saw for the past 7 hours was nothing but a dream. Dreams are another way of God telling you that you are a guy and I love doing this to you. I shall and I will not spare you even in your sleep. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

“What can we do about this Doctor? I can’t see him suffer like this anymore.”

“Mrs. Livingston I would have to sedate him to put him out of misery.”

“Then do that and keep doing that every time he wakes up.”

“But that could harm his health.”

 “It’s better than allowing him to torment himself like that.”