My family had settled well in the 'west'; Vietnamese village life was but a lingering memory as if it were the plot of some science fiction novel we had all read some time ago. Mother missed the old ways a little, but father and my two brothers were busy working; 'for the dollar' father would always say and laugh. I did not really miss my old life at all, as school here offered so much more and the opportunities of a quality education allowed me to dream my way through any life or profession I could imagine.

It was a little difficult being the only Vietnamese family in the district. My father and brothers did not seem to notice. Mother and I could read those quick sideway-glanced leers that would sometimes adorn a passing face. It was almost impossible to blend in, home being our only true sanctuary of comfortable normality.

I guess school was a little like any new crowded experience. Initially I was a new 'toy' to some, while others held back to observe and understand me better before stepping forward to share the being known experience. I was never comfortable with the more aggressive males who believed they controlled the sporting fields while maintaining some hierarchy on desirable female form and reminded everyone where girls slotted into the tot. A number of the other girls seemed to relish the attention of these boys and actively worked their appearance to gain status while playing to Jake; the unappointed leader, placing all their dignity at his feet for what seemed to me no reason.

Mostly I kept to myself; I became the object of cruel 'jokes' and jeers particularly on the way home from school, as I had to navigate the sidewalk where the jocks would park to hangout in Jake's truck. They would just make some hurtful Asian eye and skin remarks with an occasional comment about my small flat form, and of course my ever-present violin case always attracted their scorn. To cross the road or go a different way only made them worse, as they would hunt me down. It was best to submit, bow my head and run the verbal gantlet. Mother complained to the school several times but this only made things worse and much more complex. Eventually I kept the taunting to myself yet even so mother always seemed to know. Some of my friends would accompany me home, particularly Jennifer who seemed to understand me better than most. She always knew how to control them, knowing when to speak out and what to say. She somehow knew about rude boy control as if she had been doing courses in it from an
early age.

The summer passed quickly and on prize giving night I played my violin in front of the whole school and local community. I felt quite special as I received their applause and the many complements afterwards; of particular interest was the Ao Dai I had chosen to wear. Many of he ladies had never seen one and all were rather taken by the feminine elegance of the outfit.

I had no idea my appearance in an Ao Dai could be a trigger in Jake's mind to pursue me with a different, more personal, intent. I did not even notice a change in his eyes as his regular leers became more personal without the need for an audience surrounding him, and that they were now displaying a penetrating, ownership content. To her credit, Jennifer noticed the change and accompanied me home more often while regularly advising me to be careful and avoid him.

On the evening of my rape, I was simply walking home from a music lesson when Jake drove up and set upon me. I still struggle with why he could be so naive to think that through this act I might learn to love him. The violence aside, it was such a humiliating experience particularly the hospital visits where it seemed everyone on earth had to look at me and receiving stiches in the most private of places was so embarrassing. My confidence evaporated immediately and my mind became consumed by the most horrific of thoughts.

The court case was a bad experience; I was unable to cope with the horrible explanations and questions. Probably because of this, the Judge told Jake he was free to go, while I walked out believing I was guilty of many sins and crimes, and ever so soiled.

I became a prisoner of my mind and rarely ventured from my room. Anywhere I needed to go, mother would drive me, and be waiting when it was time to return home. At school, Jennifer never left my side. On rare occasions I would chance upon a visual encounter with Jake, his eyes would penetrate me with a confident lust that cut me apart and would result in my being an incapable, tearful mess for many days. Jake would now always be alone, it appeared he had lost all charismatic hold over his followers.

Winter, summer and winter came and went and with the passage of the seasons, I realised Jake had seemingly vanished. Eventually I was able to look at myself in the mirror and the romantic allure slowly inched back into the frequencies emanating from my violin.

One summer afternoon Jennifer asked if I would accompany her to see her Uncle in the local nursing home and strangely, I said yes. Her Uncle was a lovely man, old beyond his years by a neurological illness, which made his every movement a mammoth effort. He was very dependent on others for his every need and was a 'prisoner' in his body and small room, yet his mind was so active and bright with his face still exhibiting the contours of a thousand fulfilling experiences. To my surprise and delight, he spoke fluent Vietnamese and was even familiar with the geography around my birth village. He was the first person I have met since I left Vietnam able to pronounce my name correctly. He even knew that my name 'Hung' was literally a 'pink rose' and he shared a joke with me about the commonness of our family names saying we must be related somehow as his name was 'Jones' and mine was 'Nguyen'. I felt quite relaxed talking with him. I even realised my Vietnamese fluency was childish and would always remain so unless I actively developed my birth culture further. Jennifer and I walked home together and I was able to hold a smile to my face for the first time in so long.

I think it might have been my fifth visit to Jennifer's uncle, it was the time Jennifer persuaded me to wear my Ao Dai and seeing her Uncle's face made the experience worthwhile; visiting him was always a rich and joyful experience for us all. It was while we were leaving that we noticed a young man in a wheel chair approaching the door from the other side, we opened the door and gave him space. I could not help noticing what a mess this poor man was, a strap around his chest supported his torso from falling forward and his worthless legs dangled onto a support attached to his compact wheel chair. His right hand had all the fingers missing they left the obvious mark of a single blow with a meat clever. His face carried the permanent scars of many blows and slashes. As he struggled towards us, I noticed his head drop with that look people use when they want to disappear. Only then did I notice it was Jake. He courageously motioned a humbled 'thank you' for holding the door this gesture enabled me to notice his tongue had also been severed.

Jennifer and I walked to her car speechless; eventually I asked her did she know what had happened to him. Jennifer told me she knew he had been assaulted but had no idea how permanent his injuries were. That night I did some soul searching, trying to feel sorry for Jake, but I had no tears left. Strangely, I felt quite comfortable and secure. I slept all night, undisturbed, waking more relaxed then I had done in many years.