The gap between the twenty one year old and those in their late thirties is unbridgeable. I didn't say I was 31; I just said it was ten years since I graduated. Which is true, I went up to University as a mature student; at the age of 26. Allison Gross was truly beautiful, from a distance. She was like a Sylvan Elf. I was besotted. She made all the running. It flattered me to be thought of as a trophy boyfriend. So what if it was the car, the money and the friends I kept; that were the pussy magnets pulling force? I was happy to come as part of the package.

Put bluntly she had three pairs of lips, if only the action had been restricted to the un-identical twins. At times I thought I was bordering on paedophilia, that if I gave her one, it should be a Werther's toffee. My friends at first envied me and my boss kept saying, "When she's done with you can I have her?" Once they got to know her they became quite critical and I in time; became the laughing stock of the group.

They use to sing but not in front of her; of course!

"Granddad she loves you,
Though she thinks you are a creep
Her best time in bed with you
Is when you fall asleep?"

She'd sometimes play hard to get, phoning me up to say she was going out with the girls, washing her hair, etc. But I'd always listen to her messages until her third call. This one would inform me that she'd changed her mind and was now available. At the end of the message I would quickly pick up the phone and counter by announcing that I had a previous engagement. How we lasted six months I'll never know. I think that we deserved each other.

It all came to a head at one of my Boss's intolerable parties. This was going to be a swap-meet. They were all there, and I looked round and wondered who I would end up with and despaired. This is not what I want. For the first time; I looked at Allison and felt a real empathy. There we were; two poor little sods, she driven by the maternity instinct, and me by the need to have something of which I could be truly proud. I had to get her out of this.

She never eat much, for she was frightened of putting on weight, but she drank copiously. Without anything to soak it up she soon became very drunk. Suddenly without warning she jumped up and raced off to the bathroom. You can imagine what I had to put with, for example several rounds of "Granddad". That I could put up with. It was the "agony aunts" helpful suggestions that were the most hurtful.

"You really need somebody nearer your age." One of them suggested.

My boss's wife told me to "Think it through, when she's your age, you'll be nearly 60. Would you want a Sixty year old woman?"

My boss topped the lot with, "If so; my mother wouldn't mind a "toyboy", she fancies you!

However his wife brought the conversation to a close when she said, "Your mother fancies any thing in trousers other than your father". The room fell silent and its atmosphere would have sunk a fleet of Titanics.

I suddenly realised that Allison had been gone maybe twenty perhaps even thirty minutes. I got up nonchalantly and tried to make my way quietly upstairs. The room burst into life, somebody shouted "This time try to make less noise".

When I got up there, I tapped on the door. There was no answer. I thought, "Oh god she's passed out again." The bathroom lock could be opened from outside. There was a flat headed slotted screw, which you could turn using your thumbnail. This opened the lock. When I got in, I found her sat on the floor up against the bath. I relocked the door but this time I shut the bolt.

I looked at her and said,"Come on you. You have got to bring it all up". I quickly undressed her and got her to kneel up against the bath with her head overhanging into it. She brought it all up or so I thought. She turned towards me and then was sick again a small amount splashed onto my trousers. I sat her on the toilet and then took off my shoes, socks, tousers and pants. "It" was mainly liquid and it spread quickly.

I said to her "Get dressed and I'll get Jimmy's wife to run you home." You couldn't trust a mini-cab driver with her in that condition and Jimmy's wife would jump at the excuse to miss a swap-meet.

The only other swap meet I'd been too had involved me ending up with Jimmy's wife. It was not consummated but as a consequence we did subsequently for a few weeks become lovers. Jimmy having spent the night with my then wife: he subsequently ran off with her. So really it's Jimmy's ex-wife, though they have yet to divorce. My wife has only been gone eight months. I quickly washed the affected parts of my clothes and then put them over the radiator to dry.

I helped Allison get dressed. It was not easy with her flopping and staggering around the bathroom. I made her gargle with mouth wash, forced her to clean her teeth and fed her some breath fresheners.

She picked up my pants and trousers and made as though she was going to give them to me. However, she quickly unlocked and opened the door; looked at me with a leer and said, "I'm going home, but don't worry about your friends, I'll tell them that you've just been taken to the cleaners!

I heard:

her stumbling down the stairs.

Then a round of raucous laughter,

and finally the slamming of the front door.

The least I could do was clean the bathroom which I did.

I looked round the bathroom and as luck would have it; there was a Kimono hung on the door alongside an exceptionally silly shower hat. I put the pair of them on, pulled on my socks and finally tied my two shoes together by their laces and then hung them round my neck. I minced my way out of the Bathroom, down the stairs and into the open plan living area.

I announced, "I have decided to come out and as you all have suspected I am in fact a Dyke!" I went and sat on Jimmy's wife's lap and nibbled her ear. I was given a round of applause. The consensus was a pair of pants and pair of trousers was a small price to pay to be rid of her.

Jimmy's wife and I once again spent a night together. However this time we both just sobbed our hearts out. See she really loves Jimmy and I found out that I really love my Sylvan Elf. She has bewitched me and will haunt me to the grave. But she is no Elf, no: she's a witch.

"Allison Gross she must be the wickedest witch in the whole country."