I don’t know what to do. I am lost. I am in a daze. I am absolutely blank. I can’t think. I can’t talk. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to see anyone. There’s no one at home. And I am caught in this gigantic, twirling twister. I am going round and round. I can’t open my eyes. Things are happening without me wanting them to. Everything is out of control. I feel so helpless. This person sees me as a brooding romantic; the others see me as this vivacious young man who is full of life, some one else sees me as a no-nonsense, hard to please person, while some see me as a funny, easy going, friendly person. Who the hell am I? Which is my true personality? Am I cheating myself or am I cheating others?

Why can’t I be myself all the time? But what exactly is being myself? Damn! As if there were less problems already in my life. My head is spinning wildly. How should I put an end to all this? How does it feel when you love a person so much, but then it all goes to waste? Some tend to think only they have problems. But hell, it is a huge thing for me, no matter what any other person is going through. Is this too trivial an issue to even think about? Oh hell NO. Why do I feel like this? I feel like I have been publicly stripped naked and humiliated. And there is this really really sharp pain shooting through my body.

Even the songs I love to listen to seem to be getting over sooner than usual. I have become this mess. Its like I am trapped in this huge, sticky web. The more I try to get out, the more trapped I feel. I want to get a tattoo. I want to see how much pain I can bear. I drink to feel good. But I hate puking after that and then the bloody hangover, which makes you, even sicker. I want to do something so exhausting that I just don’t have the strength to think about any damn thing.

Aaah, I have just spotted something. Just the thing I was looking for. A song keeps making rounds in my head. “If you were not the one, then why did you make me fall in love with you.” Anyway I don’t care anymore, I have finally found the one thing that has always loved me and I have loved it. I hold it close to my heart. With one swift slash, I make myself feel like I am on the top of the world. Another cut almost gives me an orgasm. A third one makes a colorful pool around me. A fourth one and I know I have overdone it. I don’t feel high anymore. Suddenly it seems like someone has switched off the lights in the room. With every passing second, I come an inch out of the twister. Haha, can’t toss around me anymore, huh? But it feels like I am being transported to another world that was sound proof, because I am sure I saw some very familiar people around me screaming frantically. But hell, I couldn’t hear anything. Thank god, otherwise it would have spoilt my trip. But before I went to sleep I had smartly slipped my blade into my pocket, for later use.

But somehow I didn’t need it after that. I wonder why?