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Shorts
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| Big Sheila | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||||||||
| 14 August 2006 | ||||||||||||||||
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This is a reaction to a small section of a piece posted on comedy Big Sheila A tall, large and ungainly woman made her self –conscious way to the photo-copier. It was placed in the centre of an open-plan office far from her discrete desk that was tucked away in a remote and windowless corner. As she walked toward the machine, one of the lads shouted out “Oops you dropped something”. She stopped and looked back and the lad put some papers in the machine and started copying them. Whilst he did this he shouted, “Too late the flies are on it.” Sheila hated being the butt of all the office jokes and japes. However she waited patiently whilst the interloper printed his stuff off. He looked at her and said, “It’s all yours, but hard luck, it’s run out of paper.” She bent over and got out a new pack of paper and as she reloaded the machine she heard him say, “Look at the size of her arse. You’d have to cover her in talcum and just shag the damp bits” She’d got used to such insults but today her defences were down. She had to see the new Boss for an appraisal interview. She’d never met him and didn’t even know his name. In the past she’d been the last seen, was in the office for less than five minutes and never even got a cup of coffee. This time she was the first and she had been asked to fill in a Pro-Forma about herself, her skills and her ambitions. So she had a big interview, but the last thing that she wanted to do was talk about herself, she just wanted to hide in the “Ladies” and cry. Still, she had no choice. At 10am exactly she knocked on her Boss’s office door and entered. “Come in Sheila, sit down. Coffee? Milk and Sugar? She closed the door, sat down, smiled, “Yes please, black no sugar, thank you” There was a silver tray on the desk, and on it were, a coffee pot, a milk jug, posh china and cakes. She was offered a cake which she politely refused. This was all done in sign language, he pointed his hand at the cakes and she waved the palm of one of her hands in the direction of the cakes. She then took her coffee which the Boss had poured and handed him her Proforma. They sat in silence as he read through her info. When he’d finished he looked up and stated, “So Sheila, you joined us from school and have been with us for nine years.” Sheila nodded. “You’ve never applied for promotion have you”. Sheila shook her head. “Speak to me Sheila, I’ll not eat you” Something about her Boss’s manner made her feel comfortable and she replied, “Well Sir, you might, but not in one sitting, you’d be eating the leftovers for weeks.” He laughed, then added “Don’t call me Sir, the name’s Rob, otherwise I shall have to call you “Miss Fortune”.” “I always thought that suited me somehow. I’m not very lucky in life.” Rob quickly changed the subject, “I see you’re a Hobby Writer, which Web Site are you on?” “Well; if you’re “notsirbutrob” then it’s the same one that you’re on. “Good God, are you “bigsheila?” “Yes”. They both sat in embarrassed silence. One tends to get a few Website “confidantes” to whom one opens ones heart, so each of them knew the other “in-side out”. Rob broke the silence, “You’re not half as big as you say you are.” “Well maybe not, but then you’re not as old and decrepit as you say you are.” “Oh Sheila, this makes things difficult, because I was offering you the new post of team leader. The four Sales Departments are being merged, we’re cutting out a tier of management, I’ve been brought in to oversee the four new sales sections and each of them will have a Team leader.” He handed her the “offer letter” She read it through moistening eyes that were unable to take in the details, “Thank you Rob, I really needed something to go right for a change." “Don’t thank me, just write something happy and post it on the Web site. That’s it, could you call Steve in when you go out; he’s next.” Sheila went across to Steve and said that “Rob” would see him next. He sauntered into Rob’s office and opened the conversation, “Hi Bob. Nice place you got” “Sir if you don’t mind Mr.Elliot, and I did not invite you to sit down.” Steve stood up, he was in a state of shock, he and the old boss had been as thick as thieves. Steve had every reason to believe that he would be the new Team Leader. “I’ve called you in Mr.Elliot to inform you that a complaint had been made to HR regarding the following matters, poor time keeping, which costs the company at least five hours a week, misuse of company resources; 60% of calls made from your extension are private calls and harassment of staff”. “Might I ask who has made this complaint Sir?” “Me, just now, in a phone call to HR: a further thing, I wouldn't advise the use of Talc as it is toxic and has been banned! I was stood behind you when you mentioned the substance. Don’t slam the door on you’re way out."
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