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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Richard the Helpful tiger (again)
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Comedy
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| Richard the Helpful tiger (again) | |
| By sasquatch | ||||||||||||||||||
| 14 August 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||
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Mother beat me for talking to a woman. And she was right to do so. Stanley Corbett and Richy, The Helpful Tiger. Stanley (in perpetually buoyant and irritating Keith Chegwin type mode of speech) : ‘Girls and boys, as we all know the world is a funny balloon filled place, with parties and cake and friends to play with in the woods. Isn’t that right Richy?’ Richy the hand glove tiger puppet nods in agreement ‘But sometimes sad things can also happen. That’s why Richy the tiger is here to help answer any of your questions on subjects that have made you feel sad or worried’ Stanley puts on a pathetic mock-sad face with sympathetic frown and bottom lip sticking right out. He then quickly reverts back to his normal irritating tones: ‘who do we have on the line?’ Caller: (in a very young sounding voice) ‘Robert Parsons’ Stanley Corbert: ‘Hello Robert, Richy say hello to Robert’ ‘Mello mobert’ comes the muffled and badly performed voice of Richy as spoken by Stanley Stanley: ‘And what’s your question for Richy the Tiger? Caller: ‘I want to know why my mummy had to die’ Stanley: ‘Aww, that’s very sad Robert, I’m sure she is very happy up in heaven. So Richy (turns to Richy) why did Roberts mummy have to die? Richy talks soundlessly into Stanley’s ear. Stanley pulls an ‘interested’ facial expression. Stanley: ‘Well Robert, Richy the tiger said he’s buggered if he knows why your mum died, perhaps she did something terrible in a previous life’ We hear Robert burst into tears. Stanley: ‘Next caller please..who is on the line?’ Caller 2: ‘Matthew…(then with encouragement from his mum in the background)…Matthew Patterson. Stanley: ‘Well Matthew, you sound very young, how old are you?’ Caller 2: ‘5 today’ Stanley: ‘wow 5 today, we have a birthday boy!!’ he cries excitedly Balloons and streamers fill the air and the birthday jingle plays in the studio. Stanley continues: 'So birthday boy what question would you like to ask Richy the Helpful Tiger today? Caller 2: ‘My daddy is a solider and is fighting in’ (he pauses and we again hear his mum offer assistance)…’Ear – Rack. Will he be ok? And when will I see him again?’ Stanley: ‘ooh, Matthews dad is one of the brave soldiers fighting in Iraq it seems. You’re daddy is a very brave man Matthew!’ Caller 2:’ thanks you’ Stanley: ‘Well Richy, is Matthews dad ok and when will he come home to see little Matthew and his family?’ Richy the Tiger once again speaks soundlessly into Stanley’s ear as Stanley makes appropriate over-exaggerated nods and facial expressions. Stanley: ‘Well little Matthew according to Richy its unlikely your dad will ever come home as if he hasn’t shacked up with some disease ridden Iraqi whore by now he is likely to be bleeding to death on the streets of Baghdad courtesy of a gun shot wound to the head or other vital organ. The caller begins to wail as Richy speaks some more into Stanleys ear. Stanley: ‘Richy also says that your fathers death is the will of God and soon all infidels will meet bloody retribution by the sword of the Mujahadeen, aka - Gods Warriors’ The wailing increases as the call is disconnected. Stanley: ‘Well we have time for just one more call today..who do we have on the line?’ Caller 3: ‘Stuart Parry’ comes the little voice. Stanley: ‘Well Stuart we are running out of time, so quickly ask Richy your question’ Caller 3: ‘My daddy has a new wife and kids and I don’t see him very much anymore. Does he still love me?’ More soundless ear whispering by Richy to Stanley and more exaggerated facial expressions. Stanley: ‘Well Stuart, Richy the Tiger says he neither knows nor cares whether your Daddy still loves you but it would be a fair guess to say that ‘no’ he doesn’t. In fact Richy the Tiger believes it is likely that your dad hates you more than anything else in the world and wishes you dead’ We hear a sharp intake of breath as the line is disconnected. Stanley: ‘Well kids, that’s all we have time for today, but tune in next time as Richy the Helpful Tiger answers more of your questions’
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