Captain's log star date 21820806 – Captain Nanase – SS Austin Healey:

This morning we arrived at the planet ‘optimism’, after a long and laborious galaxy crossing using only traction propulsion. The warp drives proved unusable due to the electro-magnetizing sub-atomic quasar particles being overly prevalent in this quadrant.

We have executed manoeuvres to bring the star ship into an orbiting pattern to afford our down scope to scan for life forms.  It is estimated our track will take three star days to complete a full surface scan.

The planet has remained unvisited since the twenty first century, when it was occupied by a selection of earthlings in a psychological experiment designed to create tolerance and goodwill. Only happy people were sent, all were required to exhibit a tendency to either, whistle constantly, hum Christmas carols, have an overwhelming desire to impersonate Elvis on public transport or be cross-dressing schoolteachers who willingly recite religious doctrine.

Thus far the scan has revealed no intelligence in any form.

The problems with the teleport continue. At first it was thought either Psyfreak2k or ice-babe54 were playing sick jokes, from the engineering department teleport, by continually sending artificially created dog crap to the bridge.

I am now satisfied both are completely innocent of any involvement. The trauma to their legs and buttock will eventually heal although some permanent scaring is expected. Both the bridge and security department have sent a number of best wishes, in the form get-well-soon cards to them both in sickbay. It is hoped they will be received in the spirit of compassion, understanding and co-operation expected of a tight, close-knit crew.

It seems the constant and continual reception of a dog crap in the bridge teleport, which has continued unabated for seventeen days now, is the result of some technical malfunction. Blackwidow and mikeysbird from the logical analysis team are investigating. The preliminary finding indicates the problem is somewhere within the ship in conjunction with a life form echo from the constellation of genesis in sector zero.

Meanwhile we have started to bounce the teleport content directly to our thirteen sister ships within teleport range, without explanation. As we can no longer dispose of the volumes of the deliveries through our hazardous waste unit and the impact to the taste of our recycled drinking water is becoming a distinct concern.

During the night, Artemis, has made progress to decipher the analysis of the brain patterns emanating from the three castaways picked up in sector forty-two, two days ago. It is now estimated the three humanoids have been tightly huddled together adrift in a single person escape capsule for as many as one thousand three hundred star years. The cryogenics department holds little hope of them being revived but it is hoped some research value may be gained from the analysis.

Specimen one, who has a tattoo on her forearm with the word ‘hole’, seems to exhibit brain signals that are aloof from the other two. When stimulated into conscious thought, she seems consumed by long slender vegetables. Her brain patterns keeps cycling through thoughts of zucchinis, cucumbers and bananas, but when shaken or spoken to with violent intent her thoughts immediately switch to corncobs.