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Extended Work
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| Confessions of a site secretary - Friday night, Sunday afternoon | |
| By teddy | ||||||||
| 15 August 2006 | ||||||||
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Any kind of feedback will be so much appreciated. Many thanks. Friday Night Last night Paul announced me that we were having guests for dinner on Saturday night. ‘Not too many, just few friends and business partners.’ he said. ‘Great,’ I thought. I’ve been having a quite busy week at work and I’ve been really looking forward to a quiet weekend. That’s not gonna happen now, is it? ‘Ok.’ I hid the irritation behind a replicated smile. I couldn’t say much, could I; since I moved in with Paul, my life have pretty much shaped after his. It’s been nearly half a year - gosh, doesn’t time go quick.? – and I’m still here. I mean, I’d never before had a relationship with someone lasting more than two or three months, the most. Apart from Dan, my first boyfriend. But things were different then. I met Dan when I was fourteen and in my first year at the arts school. When I first came across his gorgeous smile I fail for it instantly. He was two years older than me and, I must say, very popular with girls. So I was quite dumbfounded when he asked me out, I mean, I was only a kid at that time. Until this day I do not know exactly what made him do it. He used to tease me saying that it must’ve been my eyes, they kind of look like I desperately needed him. After the first date we became inseparable. Now, thinking back, I know that, in a certain way, Dan was pretty much like Paul, he had a very bizarre influence over me. And I can’t really figure out why. My dad has always said that I’m quite strong-minded. I remember Tina telling me that, after torturing my mum with a long and painful labor, when I finally decided to leave her womb, I was so small and of a such undefined colour that everyone present in that hospital room to assist my birth agreed that I didn’t look at all ready to face the world. My great grandmother, who I must say was quite religious, even urged my mum to Christian me straight away. She didn’t think I would last long, poor woman. But I proved everyone wrong. At the age of one I was already showing signs of a very independent, quite rebellious actually my dad still claims, character. And I don’t think I’ve changed much since. Yeah, I know, Paul and Dan have both very strong personalities but still, my weakspots for them, really puzzle me. With Dan I used to be able to fight it back but that’s something that I cannot do with Paul. Whatever he says, whatever he wants becomes irrefutable decree, in front of which I feel absolutely powerless. And sometimes I really hate myself because of that. There are times when I wonder how it would’ve been if Dan and I hadn’t split up. In many ways I felt that he was my soul mate. It is true, we used to fight a lot but I suppose, in a way, that got us closer. We did understand each other. I think he does ask himself the same question because every time we meet, not that it happens often though, I can see shadows of regrets in his eyes. If I hadn’t chosen to come to England perhaps we would’ve been still together. I remember when I had all my things packed and was ready to leave he made me promise I would never look at anyone else. Before boarding the plane, we, both in tears, swore to stay faithful. And I did. However, few months later I got a phone call from Maria, my best friend. She was crying: ‘What’s wrong, girl? Why are you crying?’ I asked concerned. ‘It’s Dan.’ she said. ‘What about Dan?’ I panicked fearing the worst. ‘What happened?’ ‘He and …I, …we …slept together.’ I couldn’t believe my ears. Dan, my loyal boyfriend …and she, my best mate, two people that I’d really loved, ... to betray me in such a cunning manner. ‘How could you do this to me?’ I lashed out. ‘We…missed you …so much…and … felt …so…lonely after… you left…please Adi…please don’t get angry with us.’ she sobbed. Yeah, I knew the scenario, due to the sadness created by my departure, they offered each other a shoulder to cry on and ended up in bed. It always happens, doesn’t it? ‘Listen, I can’t talk to you now …‘cos I would only say things you would not like to hear. Why didn’t he phone me anyway? Why does he leave the dirty work to you, eh?...bloody coward!’ When I put the phone down I was crying. Tina asked me what happened. I just rushed upstairs to my bedroom. ‘Leave me alone.’ I shouted at her. Maria and Dan kept phoning me for a week. I didn’t want to speak to either of them. One day Tina came into my room: ‘Aren’t you gonna talk to them?’ ‘What’s the point, there’s nothing to say.’ ‘Listen, Adi, it wasn’t gonna work anyway, was it? I mean, you here, him there…it could not have been easy for either of you. You know, sometimes things happen beyond our control…don’t be so hard on them …and yourself.’ Why does Tina always have to be right? Few months later I was flying back for their wedding. And another four months on, to Christian their first kid. And since Dan I’d never had another proper relationship. The problem with men and me is that I do fall for them quite easily. But I get bored very quick. And then I’m out of it, no matter what. I am not the kind of person to stick around and try to make it work. With Paul is different. Life with him has been very,… hmmm, how can I put it, …challenging.? In the last few months I have done things and gone to places I’ve never dreamt of before. And I’ve met so many new people, very different from the ones I would normally hang out with. The first encounter was, however, quite frightening. When Paul told me that we were about to go to a dinner party organised by Harolds I got absolutely petrified: ‘Do I really have to go?’ I asked him. ‘No, but I would like you to. Why, is there a problem?’ ‘No, no, it’s just…ok, I will go.’ his eyes made me abandon any attempts of resisting. ‘Thanks.’ I think he kind of knew what was bothering me. The next day, Caroline took me out shopping. Using Paul’s credit card, of course. I don’t think my monthly wage would’ve covered half of the stuff we bought. Over a coffee, she explained how things with their dinner parties work. I felt grateful for that, especially since she did it in such a sensitive manner so I didn’t feel like a right idiot. ‘Just keep your mouth shut, keep smiling and you’ll be alright.’ I encouraged myself just minutes before entering the huge reception room. It wasn’t to be like that though. ‘Cos everyone was curious to know who Paul’s companion was. Thanks to my very adaptable and quick learning nature, I didn’t do too bad I would say. I don’t think they were very impressed with my background though. ‘She is indeed pretty. And, yeah, quite well-spoken.’ – well, I’d usually make sure that I leave my work jargon on site - ‘But, still, what on earth is Paul Harold doing with someone like her? At the end of the day, she is only a secretary. And she’s foreign. Plus, she is so young!’ I could read on their faces. Especially on women’s. The men seemed more interested in the shape of my bum than anything else. On the way home, in the car, Paul gave me a gently kiss: ‘Thanks for tonight.’ Well, if he was happy then to hell with anyone else. If I said that I do not enjoy my new life than I would lie. ‘Cos in many ways I do. Well, who wouldn’t? Just having Paul as your lover would be enough I think. However, there are many downsides to it as well. I do not get to see Tina and Craig that often. We do speak on the phone quite a lot but it is not the same thing, is it? And I do get quite lonely sometimes. Paul is indeed very kind but I still don’t know how he feels about me. He never says. Well, we never talk about us actually. We would talk about everything else but there is no us in our discussions. ‘Are you happy, Adi?’ Tina asked me the other day. I know she is concerned about me. ‘I don’t know, I suppose I am.’ ‘Do you love him?’ she carried on. I think she knows something is not quite right. ‘Errrmmm… I dunno. I like him a lot, maybe I would love him but I don’t think he loves me so I’m keeping my safeguard on.’ I laughed, trying to whisk her worries away. Did she believe me? I don’t think so, I have trouble believing that myself. ‘Listen, Adi, remember one thing: you are a very pretty, intelligent and talented young woman. And apart from being disadvantaged by birth you are not different from him in any ways.’ I know Tina thinks the world of me. However, she’s never met Paul. She is though the only one that knows about him. And Craig, of course. I did not dare telling anyone else, especially people from work, Louise, Mark and all that lot. I don’t think they would even believe me. They know I am dating someone but they have no idea who he is. And I am not gonna tell them, that’s for sure. I even invented a different name, Eddie, so there would be no connection whatsoever. Louise keeps complaining about me not going out with them anymore. I would really like to but most times Paul has got some other plans. And, somehow, I’m always included. Can you imagine Louise finding out about us? She would never speak to me again. Now I’m lying on the bed waiting for Paul to get out of the shower, feeling absolutely terrified: why on earth did I have to offer to cook for tomorrow night’s dinner? ‘If you want I can do the cooking.’ I said when Paul asked me to help him choose the menu.That was a silly zealous moment, which I instantly regretted the next second. ‘Are you sure?’ he looked at me somehow surprised. I mean, ok, I totally adore cooking and he knows that, but I’ve never done it for so many people before. ‘Well, I can try.’ I backed off a bit, hoping that he might not agree with the idea. ‘Ok, I’ll ask Mary to give you a hand then.’ Did he actually trust me? It looked like, otherwise I suppose he would’ve said no. Com’on, Paul, get out of that bloody bathroom. The extent of my tomorrow’s task gives my stomach a tickly feeling. Will I be up to it? God knows, all I could think of at the moment is that I need the bloody loo and I cannot drag myself down the stairs to use the one down there. I’ll give Paul another five minutes and then, if he’s still in the bathroom, I’ll use the one in the guests’ bedroom. Sunday Afternoon I’m back at Tina’s. Paul doesn’t know yet but he will find out soon. I still can’t believe that I’ve been so stupid to let myself dragged into all this mess. Last night’s dinner started quite alright. It is true, I was pretty tired ‘cos Mary and I spent the whole day in the kitchen making sure that the mushroom risotto wasn’t too soft, the lamb was cooking to perfection and the raspberry soufflés weren’t shrinking. Mary was very helpful and I was ever so grateful for that. I mean, yeah, I know I am a quite good cook but she’s got so much more experience in organising a dinner party. We are getting on well, I think she is actually rather fond of me, not that we get to see each other very often ‘cos by the time she comes in the morning I’m already gone to work. Except for Saturdays, of course. Her warm-hearted feelings might have something to do with the fact that I always make sure I leave the house quite clean for her. So she doesn’t really need to struggle too much with the tidying up. Paul laughs, not in a nasty way though, rather amused, when he sees me doing house work. What does he know anyway, he’s always had someone else doing it for him. Still, keeping the house and ourselves tidy was the first thing my mum made sure my brother and I learnt. She’s been always working full time, so has my dad, so we kind of shared the house chores, making life easier for all of us. Hence cleaning after myself is in my blood, I'm sorry but I can’t change it. Anyway, last night, half an hour before the guests were due to arrive I was still in front of the bedroom’s mirror, trying on the same top for the tenth time. ‘Adi, what’s the matter?’ Paul asked while buttoning his shirt behind me. ‘Nothing, …well, it’s the top, I think it is a bit too revealing.’ I nervously threw a quick look to his reflection in the mirror. ‘It is absolutely fine.’ he reassured me with a quick kiss on my neck. ’You look adorable.’ Ok, if you say so, I kind of relaxed a bit. I remembered that Mary was still in the kitchen supervising my soufflés so I rushed downstairs to give her a hand. By eight o’clock everyone had arrived and Mary was ready to serve dinner. Underneath the huge dining table, my toes were nervously pushing the fine leather my high heel shoes were made of, as if they were trying to escape its claustrophobic detention. Luckily, I was seated between George, Paul’s mate, and Caroline’s fiancé, who I already knew as well. I tried to catch Paul's eyes few times just to make sure that everything was alright but he was busy talking to this guy sitting next to him, who kept throwing me impudent looks. I hadn’t met him before, apparently he was one of Paul’s new associates, but I disliked him instantly. You could read a big A standing for arrogance on his forehead...or perhaps arsehole?. ‘What the fuck are you staring at, twat face?’ the pressure lashed out through my eyes, ‘Bloody hell, I told Paul this top is showing too much.’ I kept pulling it up. The attractive thirty and something years old woman sitting on Paul’s other side intensively examined me for a while. She must be one of his old flings I decided while she was constantly interrupting his conversation, requesting attention: ‘Oh, Paul, you didn’t change a lot in this room, did you? How about upstairs?’ When Paul excused himself to the kitchen to get more wine she kindly offered to give him a hand: ‘I’ll help you.’ she smiled at him provocatively, ignoring her husband disapproving gazes. To be honest, I couldn’t really blame her, the bloke did look a bit like a lemon, I mean, sour but mellow. ‘No, thanks, Adi will. She is the best at choosing wine.’ Paul refused her in a manner that I personally found a bit rude. Not that she didn’t deserve it though. Anyway, Paul can get away with murder if he really puts his mind at it. She didn’t look too offended, she did throw me a homicidal look though. ‘You bitch!’ I could read in her grinning eyes. In the kitchen, while getting the wine, Paul gently rubbed my back for a second. ‘Are you ok?’ he asked. I think he could sense my tension and tried to reassure me that everything was just fine. Back into the room, George and I started talking about arts, an interest we both share. He was telling me about his first encounter with the Guggenheim museum in New York. ‘I was standing in front of this painting, listening to the admiring comments made by people around me and all I could see was this black square over a light background. I looked at the artist name trying hard to get some kind of positive feeling about it and I just couldn’t. There was a beautiful Pissarro hanging a metre away and my eyes kept slipping in that direction. In the end I gave up concluding that modern art was definitely too much for me.’ I laughed. ‘This is a very common reaction that people have to abstract painting, well, abstract art in fact.’ I gave him my professional opinion, ‘it is indeed difficult to see beauty behind the mathematical connotation of a simple geometrical form.’ Few others seemed interested in the subject and the conversation expanded across the table. However, Paul’s stalker decided that I’d already had enough fun and stepped in: ‘So, Adi,’ she loudly interrupted us, ‘what do you actually do?’ I could see she was up for a fight. I wasn’t though. Not with someone like her anyway. ‘I work on a construction site. …doing the administration for the logistics sub-contractor there.’ I gave her the desired answer. ‘Oh, I see, a site secretary. How interesting.’ she smirked at me. Was I supposed to feel offended? Nah, at the end of the day that is my job, at least I have one and I do not have to rely on my man’s fat bank account to satisfy my common needs. ‘Well, it could be actually.’ I mocked her, ‘I mean, as a site secretary you work in a very distinctive environment, you get to know lots of people from so many various backgrounds. The best of it, however, and I’m speaking now purely from a woman’s perspective, is the fact that you are always surrounded by men. Surely this must be the prime opportunity a woman should look for in a job.’ Now, that was a joke. I don’t think she saw it that way though. ‘Hmmm, interesting views.’ she replied looking at Paul as if she was expecting his disapproval. The others seemed quite amused. ‘The food is absolutely delicious.’ someone said to disperse the tension. Everyone agreed. ‘Well, you should compliment Adi for that.’ Paul said. ‘And Mary.’ I quickly added to cover a modest blush while thanking Paul with a smile. Twenty minutes later we left the dinner table and moved to the other side of the room where Mary was just about to bring over teas and coffees. I headed towards the kitchen to give her a hand. As I was crossing the hallway, I could hear voices coming from the study. It was Paul and the idiot that had bothered me the whole evening with his libidinous stares. Now, I wouldn’t usually listen to other people’s conversation but, this time, because I heard my name mentioned I stopped curious to find out what Paul had to discuss about me with his business partner. ‘Blimey, she’s quite frank, isn’t she?’ I could hear the other guy saying. ‘I don’t think though that it’s the reason you’re going out with her.’ he laughed insinuatingly. ‘Nice one, mate, she is really hot stuff. Listen, when you get fed up with her, give us a call, will you?’ ‘How dare you?’ I just stood there in the semi darkness, frozen. While waiting for Paul’s reply I could feel a sickly feeling growing up in my stomach. ‘Please, Paul, please say something, just tell the bastard to fuck off.’ I begged silently. But all I could hear was Paul laughing. ‘What happened, Adi?’ a worried Mary asked noticing my livid face when I entered the kitchen. ‘Nothing, nothing, I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.’ I mumbled. ‘Come and sit down for a second.’ she said handing me a glass of water. Somehow I managed to survive the rest of the evening. After everyone left I started clearing out. Mary was already gone. Paul came close and put his hands around me: ‘Leave them, Adi. Mary will sort them out tomorrow morning. Let’s go upstairs.’ I think that moment, if I could, I would’ve smashed his face to pieces. ‘No, you go, I’m finishing here first.’ I said moving away from him. ‘Is everything alright?’ he looked at me intrigued. He wasn’t really used to being turned down. Especially by me. ‘Yes, of course.’ I lied forcing my mouth into smiling. For almost two hours I poured all the built up anger on plates, pots, kitchen worktops and floors, scrubbing and polishing them until everything was absolutely spotless. ‘Good job.’ I looked around satisfied when I finished, feeling totally exhausted. From a box underneath the sink I produced a long time abandoned pack of cigarettes. I took one out, poured myself a glass of wine and sneaked out into the back garden. ‘This is good.’ I smiled while inhaling the smoke produced by the lighted cigarette. It was a nearly forgotten feeling. I mean, I hadn’t had a fag in ages, basically since I started going out with Paul. When I finally went to bed Paul was deep asleep. It took me hours before I managed to trick my brain and eyes into shutting down. Today Paul had to go and visit his parents in Kent. He does that once a month staying the rest of the Sunday there. And that day I would spend with Tina and Craig. Paul would usually give me a lift to the tube station from where I’d catch a train. ‘You go,’ I said to him this morning, ‘I have some stuff to sort out before I’ll leave.’ ‘Do you want me to ask Martin to take you there?’ he kindly asked. ‘No. I’ll be fine, thanks.’ I think he noticed that something wasn’t quite right because he kept looking at me inquisitively before he left. Thanks God, he didn’t asked anything, I wasn’t feeling like talking at all. After I heard his car engine disappearing around the corner, I rushed upstairs, grabbed one of my bags and squeezed few of my things in it. Not too many, just enough to last me for a bit. I went downstairs and left a scribbled note on the kitchen table. ‘I need some time on my own. I’m going to stay at Tina’s for a while. Adi.’ And then I was gone. Now I am back in my old bedroom, listening to the next door neighbour, Alex, having a raw with his kids in the back garden. Tina’s cat, Pitsy, pushes her way in through the half open door and jumps on the bed purring away demands for attention. From the kitchen, an appetising aroma of Sunday roast makes its way through the whole house. ‘Adi, dinner’s ready.’ Craig’s familiar voice shouts from the bottom of the stairs. ‘Hey, it’s good to be back home.’ a warm feeling invades me. However, tomorrow I’ll be back at work an unwelcome thought reminds me . .. God, I really hate Mondays. …who doesn’t though?
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