No parental pressure at all...
(ANGELA AND KATH ARE TRAVELLING TO WORK ON A PACKED MORNING RUSH-HOUR BUS)
ANGELA: So much quieter on the bus when the schools are down, don’t you think, darling. My eardrums ache when I get to work after hearing all those little blighters screaming and shouting.
KATH: Yes, they do make a bit of a din.
ANGELA: Dysfunctional, the lot of them. No parental discipline these days. You’re not even allowed to use cardinal punishment any more. If there’s one thing I won’t tolerate it’s lack of respect and bad language.
KATH: It’s difficult to know what to do.
ANGELA: When Nathaniel starts playing up, Gerald and I make him stand in a bin in the corner of the room.
KATH: Isn't that a bit severe?
ANGELA: And tie a bandanna around his head with the word “moron” written on the front of it. Then he can look at himself in the mirror and contemplate the error of his ways.
KATH: That’s quite strict Angela…
ANGELA: Not if he’s going to become an accomplished concert pianist, it isn’t. He has to learn to apply himself more.
KATH: How old is he?
ANGELA: Seven.
KATH: And he wants to become a concert pianist, does he?
ANGELA: Oh yes. Well, he does complain a bit. He says he wants to be a footballer. But as I keep telling him, you wouldn’t have caught Chopin continuously moaning that he wanted to play for Manchester United, would you.
KATH: No, that’s true.
ANGELA: I wish I had had a mother like me. Still, I did reach grade three on the piano, in spite of her.
KATH: I think my Cat’s a bit deaf.
ANGELA: Pardon?
KATH: She keeps getting the answers on University Challenge wrong. Maybe it’s the pitch of Jeremy Paxman’s voice.
ANGELA: Your cat, dear?
KATH: Yes. Cat. My daughter. No, my cat’s got some sort of skin disease. Large swelling behind her left ear. And I keep telling her to leave it alone, but she pays no attention.
ANGELA: Well, if it’s behind her left ear, maybe the skin disease is related to the deafness.
KATH: No, it’s my “cat cat” that’s got the skin disease. Not my Cat.
ANGELA: Right. Sorry, darling could we call your cat something else. I’m a little confused.
KATH: Well, what about -
ANGELA: And I absolutely refuse to use the “P” word.
KATH: What, “pet”?
ANGELA: Pussy, love. There’s nothing worse than when those merchants of the smutty innuendo get their hands on a perfectly good word and reduce it to the depths of infantile humour. What’s your cat’s name?
KATH: Yoni.
ANGELA: What a very pretty name, darling. Where did you get that from?
KATH: My husband found it in one of his magazines.
ANGELA: Ah! He’s a bonsai enthusiast, is he?
KATH: Er - they’re sort of “self-help” magazines, I think.
ANGELA: Well, if you need your Yoni looking at, I think I can get a man onto it. For a very reasonable rate.
KATH: Pardon?
ANGELA (raising her voice): I said, if your Yoni’s giving you trouble, I know a man who can give it the once-over, and he charges very little!
KATH: Isn’t this your stop, dear?
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 21st August 2006 |
I was waiting for the "pianist envy" joke but it never came I think you should have kept going with the piano gag: instead you had two skits that didn't really go anywhere. What was there was good and you can do funny dialogue but you need to work on structure and ending or get a job writing for Little Britain
Some of it was very subtle and funny
cheers
Mrs B |
Agreed
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 21st August 2006 |
I tend to echo blondebernardmannings comments (above). I have read your two posts here, and I think you certainly have a good sense of humour and write funny stuff.
As she says, it's giggles as opposed to belly laughs, but amusing nonetheless. I must say I preferred the Rolf/Gina one to this. Still, based on these two, I'll certainly give your next ones a once-over.
Rgds
Givitsum
|
Ah...a script!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st August 2006 |
Hello coosh.
Like the others I read both your pieces and felt Zipcode was the stronger. And again like Jane and Chris above I have pretty much the same comments to make. It's there, if you get my drift; but it comes across somewhat lamely as the gag gets strung out.
Further to that last, I suspect you may be writing down from the beginning rather than up from the end. If so try starting with the punchline- or ending - and work back. Almost everyone I know who scripts jokes does it that way. I think you might find it will make the text tighter, which it needs to be, and shorter, which it also needs to be to achieve maximum impact. You also might want to introduce some variation by say, introducing accents/stereotypes, etc.
Other than that well done for attempting what so many think is so easy and is in reality anything but; ie fully scripting a gag. This is a Comedy Script site though most gags are not scripted. I thought you made a good stab at it and even a giggle is streets ahead of some of the efforts I have seen posted here which couldn't raise an eyelid let alone a laugh.
Again, well done!
Slan! |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 22nd August 2006 |
Thanks to all three of you for taking the time to review. I've finally got the sort of constructive feedback I've been looking for, telling me where I am, an' all that... I've been posting on a US-oriented site recently and apart from the odd "kool", all the reviews have been about layout and punctuation. Maybe the giggles don't travel, I don't know...
BBS: Zanzibar ain't that big, really... but maybe worth keeping in a cage in the bedroom.
Yeah, it's gentle banter and there's no direction. Structure would be a big step up. I like the idea of writing stuff that looks as if it's an excerpt from something - so your film reference was interesting.
givitsum: Rolf/Gina is one of the exceptions - I just happened to think of a reasonable conclusion - but thanks for the once-over.
Mr. Connolly: re: starting point: That's a really perceptive comment - although I guess to experienced readers who plough through all this stuff on a regular basis, it's bloody obvious. You're absolutely right, it starts with an image or a comment and then just spews out, sort of off the cuff. I've largely just been focusing on trying to create dialogue that makes characters "come alive" as it were. Punchlines (and good ones) would be another major step up.
Still, in theory, if you keep working hard at it, it should get better - although that never quite applied to the Last of the Summer Wine. |
Keep at it...
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 23rd August 2006 |
I don`t think this came off as well as Rolf/Gina but some nice little touches nevertheless. Once again some sound advice from Gerard, Chris and Jane. I will certainly look out for more of your contributions as I love this style of writing.
all the best
woody |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 23rd August 2006 |
| Agreed. Many thanks. |
I enjoyed it
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 12th September 2006 |
I defer to the above commentators as I'm no authority.
Its just good ribaldry for me. I reckon you could write for Chewing The Fat - theres the fishermen with all the double entendres "splice the fanny-flange! Drain the minge valve!"
Oli |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
| Thanks for that. I think maybe "Spewing the Crap" might be closer to the mark.....!!! |
They travel, they travel!
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
This just came up in my review panel.
I feel silly agreeing with the above comments at this late date. I know zip-all about writing comedy scripts (though I agree with BBS that just watching Little Britain is enough to make anyone feel like taking a stab at it). But this is absolutely funny, and as I read it I could not help but feel that you must have spent time around people who talk like this. I grew up listening to this sort of conversation on a daily basis, so it really struck a chord with me.
Have you done anything else with this? |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
From the dim and dark past - yep, some of the first stuff I did - and blimey does it look aimless and strung out now... the feedback from Gerard, BBS, givitsum, etc. encouraged me to continue, and stay at GW (and subsequently descend into foul-mouthed immigrants and vivisectionists).
Thanks for commenting. To answer the questions you've taken the trouble to write, as best I can: I think the ideas in this piece came from when I first moved to London and the south-east as a student. It was a whole new world. I came across some very different attitudes - opened my eyes a bit. From memory, the voices were supposed to be French & Saunders. I'm trying out one of these type characters in a more extended piece - interesting and flattering that you "recognised" the conversation.
Always snowed under with stuff - don't get that much time on GW - noticed you have posted an "Omiai Madness", which I'll check out as soon as I have a chance - plus there seems to have been a bit of a contretemps of late - poetry? Oli?... only guessing, of course! |
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