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Comedy
| print friendly version | |
| my family | |
| By cynicsid | ||||||||||||||||
| 22 August 2006 | ||||||||||||||||
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Two related pieces of stand-up. I come from an artistic family-I do. My late father was in ENSA, his mum was in Music Hall and Her Auntie, Kate Karney, run a Music Hall. Uncle Georgie told me that my Gran, her sister and Auntie Kate come out on stage one night, holding little kittens and sang "Can you see our little pussies would you like to make them purr". Apparently the Lord Chamberlain shut them down for three months. But I want to tell you about my Grannies cousin; Jemima Seely. She looked down on Granny as being common and loose, See she was a personal assistant to the then great Jimmy Blox: in her case; very personal. Jimmy Blox was an escapologist and prestidiga ehm presti oh bugger it; he did magic tricks. But his escapology was what he was known for. His best one involved him being blindfolded, handcuffed, put in a sack then put in a box which was nailed shut and then lowered into the River Thames. He escaped within 7hours 43 minutes and 12 second after finding that Jemima was three months gone. He was never seen again. Well not west of Wapping. 6 months later Jemima had a little boy unfortunately he had his father'slooks-Jimmy Blox was an ugly little bugger and his mothers's brains. She knew how many beans made five but nothing else. However Jemima loved him and hoping that the father might return she named him James. With an eye to the future she gave him a double barelled name. It was the curse of his life because he was announced on the stage like this. MC-And now the one and only silly bollocks by name silly bollocks by nature. Young James would intercede no "Seely Blox". The MC would look suprised "That's what I said silly bollocks." He so loved his mother that he did nothing about his name until her untimely death. She was run over by a whelk barrow in Southend. As I said Jimmy had his father's looks and his mother's brain. So when she died he changed his name. It made no difference because now the MC would say "you're in for a load of bollocks tonight-its its the one and only-Jimmy Bollocks. The death of the music halls was a tragedy for some and for others a release. Part 2 Life's like that innit? Last time I was telling you about my 2nd cousin James. A month ago I received a letter from his solicitor informing me of James' death. Two weeks ago I received a disturbing phone call from the undertakers saying that they had put him in the cask, sealed it down. But when the coffin had gone through the furnace there were no signs of any bones. The body had however turned up a day later in the chapel of rest. Escapology obviously runs in his blood. It was at that moment that I pretended to be a call centre: Offering container fresh Albanian Pall bearers on a 3 for the price of 2 trial basis. They rang off. James has left me his most precious of possessions, the words and music of his song "Millie Mollie Mandy". I want to share this lyrical masterpiece with you. So I will want all of you to join in. There are parts for the ladies and parts for the gentleman. Right gentleman: Millie Mollie Mandy Feeling rather randy wanted a good seeing to. Now ladies when the gentlemen are singing I want you to act out the part of Milly. She is the epitome of female wantonness and exudes lust from every pore and orifice. Right ladies act act act and gentlemen sing sing sing. (Millie Mollie Mandy Feeling rather randy wanted a good seeing to.) Brilliant now ladies its your turn to sing, one ,two , three:- "Here comes John Joe Soap with girls he was a no hope, couldn't dream of what he was coming to." Well done ladies. Now Gentleman, it's your turn to act. Little JJS is the Anorak of Anoraks. He is in fact off for a days train spotting. In one of the many pockets of his Anorak is a flask of Bovril and in another a big pack of Marmite sandwiches. Though it was unlikely that any woman would bother JJS or threaten his virtue, his mother was taking no chances. In yet another pocket was his Ian Allen Book of Trains. However inside the Lining of the coat where his mother would never think of looking was another book. It was not a railway book as such though it did show lots of interesting and unusual couplings! So ladies sing sing sing and gentlemen act act act. ("Here comes John Joe Soap with girls he was a no hope, couldn't dream of what he was coming to.") Well done, magnifico. Gentleman your last solo line "Said Milly Mollie Mandy, Joe you'll come in handy, for what I’ve got a mind to do" Ladies I want you to give the lads a good idea of what MMM had an idea to do, OK Gentleman sing sing sing, ladies act, act,act. ("Said Milly Mollie Mandy, Joe you'll come in handy, for what I’ve got a mind to do") Calm down ladies, please not so graphic if you don’t mind. The final line which is sung "Tutti en frutti", men and women together is as follows "So Milly Molly Mandy was feeling warm and Dandy having had a good seeing to." No stop it sing sing sing- not just act act act. Oh for god sake put the sprinklers on. Get your hands off me , Mummy help.
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