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By brook_rivers
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25 August 2006 |
There is a distance here in the intimacy,
An unfamiliar face where you once used to be, A chilling void in the space where you once lay, The bridge has crumbled. Broken down. The connection lost, the parts unfound. Gone forever to that place where we once were.
In the dreamland where fairytales and love lasts.
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Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 25th August 2006 | Simple but beautiful. It flowed perfectly and each line said so much. I could interpret many things from this short poem.
To me, perfect  | title?
Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 25th August 2006 | Don't like the title , brook
Good opening line : getting a bit metaphysical there , isn't it !
There are internal re-arrangements I personally would make to lines 5, 6, 7 , but it is not my poem nor my place to do it here
The heavily definite four syllable statement of where we once were is sadly weakened by the last line -- and that grammatical error in the last verb .
Good poem , understated , just a trifle spoiled .
patterjack
| A welcome quality..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 25th August 2006 | Hi Brook.
Haven't seen you for a while. That's possibly because you don't seem to come round my neck of the woods much. This has reminded me that I owe you a reply to a PM you sent some while back.
Actually though this kind of poetry usually has me reaching for the sick bag, I really liked your effort here. Not so much for the content as for the almost brazen honesty with which you seem to be able to invest your words here. It's a quality I have noiced before in some of the things you write and it is something you share with No1butClo and rattle-spear both of whom I always enjoy readng. I do admire that. It's not something you can 'learn '. You have either got it or you have not. And it appears to me you have.
While I can see where Brian, above, is coming from vis a vis the title the actual body of the piece brief though it is strikes me as engaging by simple dint of that direct honesty you have. | So very sad...
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | ...but incredibly powerful
Brook, you really know how weave those words with emotion and passion. GC is quite right, the naked display of honesty is what makes this (and your other work) such a delight to read.
The line: An unfamiliar face where you once used to be
Says so much...where has the man you loved gone! How many have woken up to find the one they loved gone in spirit and soul. This is absolutely wonderful...
With best wishes
mish x | Loved it
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | A window on the female soul. Beautiful.
Tiny correction - take the final "s" off. "Fairytales and love" are more than one thing and dont need the "s". "fairytales and love last".
Otherwise, emotions stripped naked - why gild a beautiful lily?
Oli | Thank you
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | Thank you for all your comments guys!
To Gill21, mishmash and Talisker thanks for your praise. To Patterjack thanks for the constructive critique i will take your views on board and although i will be keeping the title [out of interest do you have suggestions for an alternative?] i will change the last line!
To Mr GC - afraid i haven't had the luxury of being able to log on as much as I would like lately and yes you do owe me a PM! Apart from being surprized that you were even in the poetry section I am glad that you found something to like in this poem. Its nice to know i've got it!! As for honesty some may see it as a virtue [but said in truely tragic and poetic style!] but unfortunatley fro me its my downfall!
thanks again
brook |
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