Great Writing - Home > Short S. > A soft target.
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 873 guests online and 7 members online
Shorts
A soft target.
By BrianRobertNeal
26 August 2006
Karl Popper considered man's most dangerous invention to be metaphysics.

When he thought of the centuries of suffering imposed by the barbarian invader; his blood boiled. Despite the armed struggle which had freed part of his homeland, some of his fellow countryman still struggled under an alien yoke. He would do all he could to free his land from foreign dominion.

He was a fervent patriot, his love of his homeland meant that  he would do anything for it, donate money to the cause, sing the songs and wave the flag.

Anything that is which did not involve having to live there.

In fact he had been born in the land of the barbarian to a barbarian mother. And only his father’s father had actually been born in the land of myth and legend. Furthermore he was only too happy to have a barbarian lover whose knickers his gentle brogue, deep blue eyes and dark hair had caused to fall effortlessly to the ground.

However he was a man of action, and had carried out “errands” for the big boys. This meant that he would on occasion provide a home for small handguns, explosives, detonators and similar items.

So he was not surprised when he received a coded phone call. This when interpreted, told him to report immediately to the premises of a Groundworking Construction Company, at an address in Park Royal.

He made his excuses to his parents and then drove off to his assignation. He parked between JCB 360 Excavation Machines and waited. Two men got into the back of his car.

One of them instructed, “Don’t look round or use your mirror”. He did and they were wearing Balaclavas, so he was none the wiser as to who they were.

One of the men continued, “On the back seat of the car you will find, three simple components, which when screwed together and primed will form an effective device that on detonation will pepper an area of twenty feet in all directions with shrapnel.

This is your big one, you’re to go to the Ideal Home Exhibition and place the device in the waste bin that is at the head of the escalators that give access to the Food Hall. You’ll find full instructions enclosed with the device. Now go home.”

The two men got out, slammed the doors shut and banged on the car’s bodywork. He shot off and out from between the Diggers, then made his way home. When he’d parked and got out of the car, he saw and then retrieved a small duffle bag that was now lying on the back seat.

In the security of his bed room he read his brief. Amongst the detail was an instruction that he should take his girl friend with him as single men on their own might attract attention at such an event.

So he phoned his girl friend up and to his delight found that she, her Mum, Dad and Gran were already planning to go to the exhibition next week. “I‘ll tell you what, I’ll come along and take you there in my car. I’ll use my connections and get us “trade passes”. I’ve a customer who’ll let me park in his yard and this is no more than  a five minute walk from the Exhibition Centre.”

So on the fateful day, he, the others and the Bomb made their way to the exhibition. At about noon he suggested that they should go up to the Food Hall as he was feeling peckish. He eyed the waste bin which was surrounded by elderly men and women, mothers and mothers to be and children.

He treated his party to the food of their choice. When they’d finished eating, he collected up all the empty containers and put them into a plastic bag, at whose bottom was the Bomb.
He shepherded his party to the head of the down escalator.
Shuffling in the bag he set the Bomb’s Timer for twenty minutes. The innocuous bag was put into the bin. He followed his party down to the floor below and ensured that when the device exploded they were as far away as was practicable.

They all heard a sound that resembled a drum that been dropped and then screaming. Finally music was played on the PA system and an instruction was given that everybody should stay where they were.

They were informed about ten minutes later that there had been a small explosion, security had carried out checks and that all persons should now leave the building using their nearest exit. The voice added that no warning had been given that a bomb was to be planted at the Exhibition.

He and his party went straight home. On his arrival his distraught mother told him that amongst the Bomb’s victims were her eldest sister, Sadie and Sadie’s three children, none of them were expected to live. She screamed, “If I could get my hands on the cowardly bastard that did this I’d rip his balls off.”

However in some eyes he was a hero.






Reviews
Pop Up....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Hello Brian. 
 
This looks a better line of work than you have been in of late. I enjoyed reading it and thought it made its point succinctly, if a little too obviously to be a supprise. Nice too to see a story competently structured and not presented as a list of one line paragraphs. Well done. 
 
If I have any criticism it would be that while reading it I had an uncmfortable feeling of being preached at. And mention of Popper popping up at the outset didn't help there.  
 
Again well done1 
 
slan!
A great read
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Have been reflecting on feedback you gave about the need to be conscise. This piece was a perfect example of how to do it right.  
 
In the first paragraph you set the piece of like a catapult. I would have taken two or three longer paragraphs to make my point! 
 
A really good story and an even better lesson in writing/structure/craft. 
 
Cheers Brian!
Sharp and Sleek
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 26th August 2006
To the point. All business. Making each word count...excellent piece... 
 
Thanks, 
TT
Karl Popper
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Popper was a lecturer at the LSE whose lectures I attended though they did not form part of my course. 
 
Though the point is esoteric it is exceptionally valid. For example if the word Black is restricted to being purely a description of colour, it's useful and harmless. 
 
However when it becomes a "concept" e.g. "A Blackie" it becomes a portmanteau word capable of serious misuse.  
 
"Preached at"? 
 
The piece is purely descriptive, no sense of outrage at the carnage caused and balanced Anti-Pro, statements to conclude it. 
 
It is as Popper would have said, "Value-Free". 
 
"Obvious ending", I suppose if you plant a bomb at the Ideal Home Exhibition you would expect to kill and maim women and children. 
 
Thank for you time and comments.
Hi Leo
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Firstly I'm glad that you took my comments in the manner that they were proferred. 
 
Secondly thank you for a review that one could normally only dream of getting. 
 
Brian
Hi TT
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th August 2006
And thank you for your time and comments. 
 
Brian
Horrifically Poignant
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Hi Brian 
 
This is was an uncomfortable but an incredibly well written piece. A subject matter, that obviously, given the circumstances we live in, unfortunately holds great resonance. 
 
The structure and detail was superb and the location of the Ideal Home Expo so much more horrifying.  
 
An excellent title too...Presumably the 'soft' in the title comes from 'soft furnishings'? 
 
A truly good read and one that I enjoyed very much. 
 
Well done 
 
best wishes 
 
mish x
Hi MM
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Thank you very much indeed for your time and comments. 
 
However, there was a bomb at the Ideal Home Exhibition c30 years ago, so an element of the story is "Faction". Had my party of late 2nd wife, her cousin and husband and me not gone down the wrong staircase we would have been stood by the bin when the Blomb exploded. 
 
"They all heard a sound that resembled a drum that been dropped and then screaming. Finally music was played on the PA system and an instruction was given that everybody should stay where they were.  
 
 
They were informed about ten minutes later that there had been a small explosion, security had carried out checks and that all persons should now leave the building using their nearest exit. The voice added that no warning had been given that a bomb was to be planted at the Exhibition." 
 
The above is almost pure reportage. The rest however is pure invention. 
 
 
Brian
multi-levels
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 26th August 2006
I too liked the title, it worked on different levels,soft as Mishmish said and the phrase is an awful bit of de-humanising military jargon and of course people are soft and vulnerable.so a great start there 
I felt I was right there in the story because there were no wasted words, nothing to distract me from the power of what was happening. As gerard said it was good to read a proper well structured story with a strong narrative flow. 
I thought the mans ambivalent nature somehow added to the horror of it, he created such carnage and he wasn't even that commited. A powerful and complex story there was so much to take in 
grear work 
BBS
Thanks BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th August 2006
I am glad that it has been well received. I'm toying wit a Coda and a parralel tale. 
 
Once again thanks for your time and all your comments, 
 
Brian

Written by Phil (7008 comments posted) 26th August 2006
A really good piece. Like above, I felt its unflowery nature helped it move along and draw me in. It addresses the saddest question of all, not how, but why? Is it really so easy to commit such an atrocity? I always felt not, but the skill of the piece made it seem like an almost natural act - almost inevitable.  
Great. 
Phil.
Hi Phil
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th August 2006
Thanks for your time and comments. 
 
However I was by adopting a neutral stance definitely not in any way accepting such atrocities and I certainly don't consider them to be "natural" acts. 
 
Brian

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item