“His Last Wish”
Mr and Mrs Bennett are waiting in the reception of R.Hayes and Co.(Undertakers).
| Mrs.Bennett
| “Well, at least I’ve got the clock.”
“I don’t know why you make such a fuss about that clock.”
|
Mr. Bennett
|
| Mrs. Bennett
Mr. Bennett
Mrs. Bennett
Mr.Bennett
Mrs. Bennett
Mr. Bennett
Mrs. Bennett
Mr. Bennett
| “ It’s what me mother would have wanted”
“It’s what you wanted”
“It ‘s the principle. Me Mum always said that clock was to come to me. It’s just our Jessie getting round me Dad at their Darren’s wedding, saying she should ‘ave it. Me poor Dad was half drunk anyway that night.”
“He was half drunk most nights, come to that. Not that I blame him, with him having you and Jessie for daughters.”
“ May God forgive you Harold Bennett!”
“At least with me getting there first we’ve got the clock.(Piously) It’s what me Mum would have wanted, any road.”
“ Just because the poor old fellow popped his clogs at our house doesn’t give you the right to go and take the clock before you even told Jessie he’d died.”
“It were meant were that. Him passing away peaceful in his sleep after his Sunday dinner.”
“So long as your Yorkshire puddings didn’t kill him.”
| Before Mrs. Bennett can reply, Mr.Robert Hayes enters from his office. He makes a bee line for Mrs. Bennett, glancing at a paper in his hand.
| Mr Hayes
| “Mrs…Er… Bennett. My sincere, my very sincere condolences for your tragic loss. Perhaps somewhere more private?
| He ushers Mr. and Mrs. Bennett into his office
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| Mr. Hayes.
| “Please do take a seat, Mrs. Bennett, Mr. Bennett. Some tea, perhaps...coffee...?”
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| Mrs. Bennett.
| “Oh yes please, we've had a long journey. Coffee would be lovely, thank you. Two for me, none for him.”(giggles) “Oh, sugar's I mean, not coffee. He'll have coffee too.”
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| Mr.Bennett (quietly, almost to himself)
| “I'd rather 'ave a mug o' tea, me self. And so would your Dad, if he was here. Never drank coffee in his life when he could get tea, or a pint of bitter. He thought coffee was American. He hated Americans did her Dad. 'Course, he hated everybody, her Dad ”
| Mrs. Bennett.
| “Harold!”
| Mr. Hayes, (into telephone)
| “Winifred, coffee for three please. And some of the , er, plain biscuits. Now, Mrs. Bennett, or” (looking down at sheet of paper on his desk) “May I call you... Helen?”
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| Mrs. Bennett (simpering)
| “Oh yes of course, Mr. Hayes, most kind.”
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| Mr. Bennett (quietly)
| “Unless you want to call her Nellie like the rest of us.”
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| Mr.Hayes (continuing)
| “Thank you, Helen. As I was going to say, this is a most traumatic and stressful time for you and it is my duty, no, my pleasure” (looking at Mrs. Bennett) “It is my very great pleasure to take some of the weight off those shoulders.”
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| Mr. Bennett (to himself)
| The weight'll be on my shoulders and the lads. We'll be carrying the coffin, not her!
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| Mrs. Bennett (looking down)
| “Thank you.”
| Winifred enters with tray of coffee, cream, sugar and biscuits. She pours, they drink, take biscuits etc.
| Mr. Hayes.
| “Now, I have here a catalogue of the caskets and coffins in our range. All, I can assure, you built of the finest materials by the very finest of craftsmen.”
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| Mr.Bennett
| “Billy Nolan went making coffins when he was too shaky to climb the ladders on the site...”
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| Mrs. Bennett
| “Shush, you...”
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| Mr. Hayes
| “The handles and fittings come in a variety of styles. Some are” ...(a look of distaste) “plastic...others silver and brass plated... but for those who really wish to express their respect for their loved ones ...the solid brass.” (He leans back with an expansive smile.)
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| Mr. Bennett
| How much?”
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| Mr. Hayes
| “It really is your last chance to show your respect for Mr... (looks down again at the paper)... Heath...To neighbours...and friends?”
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| Mr. Bennett
| “Like I said, How much?”
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| Mr.Hayes
| “All the prices are listed at the back of the catalogue. But may I make a suggestion? Choose the coffin in which the deceased will take his last journey and which will be his final resting place.”
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| Mr. Bennett
| “ which will be in a pot urn. He's going to the crem!”
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| Mr. Hayes
| “And which will be your last memory of
him...”
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| Mr Bennett
| “I've heard you fellers buy them coffins back and use 'em again...
To say nowt about what happens to the flowers..."
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| Mr Hayes ..
| “For you to carry for the rest of your life. Did I do him proud... you might ask in years to come. Is it what he would have wanted?... Have I treated him as he would have treated me?
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| Mrs. Bennett (Crying quietly but decorously into a small handkerchief)
| “Yes, yes, I want to do right. To show the neighbours and our Jessie. She buried Bert in a right tatty coffin. I'm sure it were warped. And as for that buffet she put on in The Rifleman...The ham were curling up it were. And the tea were stewed. And nearly cold. And we all had to buy us own drinks."
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| Mr. Hayes
| “And finally”...(Shows picture of magnificent coffin with carving inside the lid.)... “Our piece de resistance, the Rolls Royce of coffins. Solid oak, brass handles and...as you can see, a magnificent carving of the Last Supper, executed by a German woodcarver inside the lid.”
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| Mr. Bennett.
| Carvin’? By a German?
“He bloody hated the Germans did her Dad. He was at Dunkirk! He wouldn't even eat Black Forest gateau.
And who’s going to see what's inside the lid? Only him and he won't be bothered! Always slept like a log,he did ”
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| Mrs.Bennett (Sobbing)
Mr. Hayes
Mrs. Bennett
Mr. Bennett
| “Oh dear I don't know what to do, I really don't. (Angrily to Mr. Bennett) And you're no damned help! If you had your way me poor Dad would be chucked on the rubbish tip”
“Have you perhaps given any thought to the disposal of your father’s ashes?
“I thought we might spread them on his allotment. He was always happy there.”
“If you’re talking about where he was happy, spread them in the bar of The Red Lion, that’s where he was happiest.”
“Or better still, leave ‘em in the urn and let the ladies’ darts team play for ‘em every year. He spread himself round the ladies’ darts team more than he ever did on his allotment
| Mobile phone rings. Mr Bennett takes it from his inside pocket
| Mr.Bennett.
| “Hello,Hello? (Listens. A smile slowly spreads across his face.) Right I'll tell her. Bye. (Turns to Mrs Bennett) That were our Susan.
They've found your Dad's will. It were in the back o’ the clock.
He left that clock to your Jessie after all. And there’s more…….
He's left his body to Medical Science!”
| CLOSE
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Just Super!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | Super Mike. Absolutely super! Despite the eccentric layout.
Hobson's Choice meets Billy Liar here.
Criticism? Too short. This could have gone on a lot longer for me.
So very well done! Loved the East Manchester dialect.
Slan! |
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | Thanks Gerard. I wouldn't have chanced it but for your encouragement.
Believe it or not, a lot of this sketch is based on actual events,
Do you remember a Manchester Utd player, No teeth, who played in 1966 world cup? No names no packdrill. His ould feller was a drinking mate of me dad. He was an undertaker.His son carries on the trade yet. A really great man who earned a lot of respect, and rightly, around Collyhurst.
Thanks again | Handsomely Done....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | Nobby Stiles. Father, Charlie Stiles, burried three of my uncles. Funeral Parlour half way down off Oldham Road, by the corner of... Dean Street? I played against Nobby in a ' friendly ' when over from Ireland staying for the summer with my aunt and uncle in Newton Heath.
They kept the Exiles of Erin on Angel's Meadow and later the Prince of Wales on Oldham Road above Shude Hill. I forgive anybody associated with Manchester United ANYTHING!!! Absolutely ANYTHING !!!!! I am a season ticket holder at the Theatre of Dreams. Incidently our Goalie in that match was Jack Wilson over from Moss Side where his folks kept the Golden Hind. You will remember him better as Anthony Burgess.
Slan Mike!
Slan!
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Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 26th August 2006 | Charlie and my Dad drank in the bottom Kings on Oldham Street. One of my grans was godmother to young Louis Edwards. Gerard Stiles is running things now, or was when he buried me Mum.
Wilson/ Burgess was a good few years above me at school. I still think Malayan trilogy was his best work.Bill Deever, his form master, was the dad to my mates, Michael, Now Father, Deever, Simon, Kristen and Johnnie.
Is the world getting smaller? | Really Good
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 27th August 2006 | Hi Mike
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, I could picture the scene in the undertakers so perfectly because your scripting was spot on, and the denouement was priceless!
Superb! Well done...
best wishes
mish x | Very Good
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 28th August 2006 | I liked that Mike, very easy to read, as well as being funny. Reminds me so much of typical conversations I always hear when back in Yorkshire.
Easy to picture in the mind, well done.
Cheers
Givistum |
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 28th August 2006 | As always, grateful thanks to mishmash and givitsum for their encouragement.
In reality it was based in East Manchester, in Collyhurst.
But not far off9 except for the cricket 
Thanks again, Mike |
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 28th August 2006 | | Sorry about the 9. Blame Mayo for beating Dublin at the Gaelic | Agreed
Written by coosh (867 comments posted) 1st September 2006 | | I'd go with the remarks above. Really enjoyed it and was prepared to settle down for a longer stint, when it rather abruptly ended - some great comments, reminding me of a few long-lost relatives. | Relatively speaking...
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 1st September 2006 | Hi Mike, just got round to reading this. (Wives, new curtains, new brass rails..you get the picture) I really enjoyed the piece, despite the unusual layout, and the characters were very well drawn with some excellent dialogue. The ending was nicely timed and rounded the piece of nicely. Well done.
ps
You are lucky to have two decent footy teams close by. I was a season ticket holder with Mansfield for many years but the doctor said it was ruining my health....
happy writing
woody |
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 1st September 2006 | Thanks a lot for the review coosh. Maybe I will try a longer piece. But i have a short ....?
Thanks again woody
As a former Stockport County fan....?
Mike |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 2nd September 2006 | He's left his body to Medical Science!”
Great finshing line.
I was a bit put off this by teh layout but I'm glad I made the effort. There is so little good dialogue driven work on the site so yours was a welcome addition. I thought the responses had the stamp of reality as well as being funny. It's amazing how good dialogue can build character and yours did that really well
I have no idea what all the football talk is about though
cheers
BBS
|
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 2nd September 2006 | Thanks BBs. Gerard and I have mutual acquaintances in common. The undertaker in the story was based on one of them.
Mike | Hi again Mike
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 10th September 2007 | | I think this was the one Coosh was suggesting, and I'm very glad he did. Not only was it similar to something I have written lately, but it reminded me a lot of what went on when my parents died. We spent every last cent we had to get a beautiful oak coffin for my mother, although it didn't have a carving of the last supper in side, and then when my dad died (having got another wife in the meantime) she chose the coffin, and we (my sister and I) thought it was pretty scruffy in comparison. But my husband, who has cancer and thinks a lot about these things these days, has decided that he wants to be buried in a cardboard box in the back garden. |
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