Invasion

It was a dark, cold night.  The air was perfectly still and not a sound was to be heard.  Fog lay in thick drifts around the basement of the house so all that could be seen was the upstairs windows and roof.  It was the sort of night vampires fly out and suck the blood of young virgins.  It wasn’t the sort of night I wanted to be home alone. 

The knock at my door nearly made me jump out of my skin.  Who on Earth could be calling at this time of night?  I’m not the timid type, but I can tell you I was shaking like a granny on a waltzer when I opened the door.

All the fog had gone.  In fact all the darkness had gone!  The sky was lit by an almost binding light and there in the doorway stood the strangest looking creature I had ever seen - and that includes my mum first thing in the morning.

Two of its heads pointed in my direction while the third was looking behind having a conversation with its friend.  Each head had only one eye and one ear, but that meant it still had one more than me.  Its body was green, lumpy and fat.  It stretched almost to the floor, but not quite.  There were two very stumpy legs upon which it was shuffling.  In one hand it held what appeared to be a wrapped birthday present and in the other a crumpled map.

 “Could you tell us the way to Bedlam's Bouncy Castles please?" he said.  "We appear to be a bit lost.”

Well as you can imagine, I was a bit shocked.  It took me several moments to realise I was drooling and saying things like, “Yerngk – blerg.”

“I said, could you show us the way to Bedlam's Bouncy Castles please, we appear to be a bit lost.”

I managed to pull myself together and told them I’d take them there myself.  Before I had time to change out of my pyjamas and slippers I was zapped up to their spaceship and sat in front of a huge screen showing an overhead picture of Yuksville.

“There it is,” I said pointing to a small building on the edge of town.

“Ah, at last,” screamed one of the aliens in one of those now we’re going to take over the world type of voices, you know, all crazed and evil.  The spaceship swooped across town and towards Jungle Jim’s.  As I wandered about the ship there were little green men everywhere and all of them were holding dangerous looking guns that looked like they went ZAP and anything they were pointing at disappeared in a Technicolor plume of smoke.

What could I do?  Was the Earth going to be destroyed?  Was the Earth going to be taken over?  Even worse, would I be back home in time to watch the last episode of Celebrity Come Dancing?  In short, was there anything I could do to stop them?

No, there was nothing I could do.  What do you think I am – Superman or something? I’m just a twenty-nine year old nerd who still lives his parents. The most daring thing I’d ever done was return a library book late.

The spaceship landed and all the little three-headed green men jumped out waving their zappy things about.

“Take me to your leader,” one of them screamed.

A short fat lady fearfully stepped forward.  “Er,” she muttered.  “I’m the manageress.  Do you have a complaint?”

“You mean you’re not Bush- Olmert - Blair?  Just wait till we get back home and I catch up with the research department.”  The alien who screamed this was turning from green to red.  He clearly wasn’t very happy.  “I don’t understand how on Earth this could have happened,” it roared.

With that it actually did turn red and one of its heads blew up.  Just as well it had three.  All the aliens trooped back on board their ship and within a minute they were all gone.

All that was left behind were little bits of green head splattered on the pavement and road.

Now how on Earth was I going to get back in time for Celebrity Come Dancing?