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Comedy
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| Norman the calculating ferret | |
| By sasquatch | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 28 August 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Every Christmas Mother would tie me to a radiator and write offensive slogans on my face with felt-tip. She said it was the only way i could appreciate the suffering of Jesus. I tried to explain that Jesus supposedly died at Easter, but that just made her more determined. Norman the calculating ferret. Little Bobby Baxter had a ferret called Norman. It was given to him as a present on his 11th birthday and soon became his bestest friend in the whole world. The two of them would have endless larks rabbit baiting and whatnot and the bond between boy and ferret became great. Norman grew up to be a strong and intelligent example of his race, so intelligent in fact that over the years he somehow developed a most remarkable ability; By some fluke of nature Norman the Ferret was capable of instantly resolving even the most strenuous of mathematical calculations. You could give him any two numbers, however large or small, and in his little ferret voice he would instantly give you their sum or multiplied value. This brought much popularity and adventure to both Bobby and Norman however it was some years later that Normans calculating ability was put to the ultimate test. It was the afternoon of Bobby’s 18th birthday and he was readying himself for an evening of drunken banter and, with any luck, romantic endeavor. He had been making intentions towards a particular girl for some time and she was due to attend the same party that evening. He was feeling lucky. The day previous Bobby had bought himself a splendid shirt especially for this evening. It had cost him most of his hard earned savings but he had decided it was an investment worth making. This was to be his big night, his coming of age, and perhaps even the night when he would at last come to know the pleasures of the fairer sex. He saw the shirt as the key to success. However when Bobby went into the kitchen to collect the shirt he found it to be in a rather sorry state. Norman the calculating ferret had passed a rather unfortunate movement on said garment and via his subsequent attempts at cleaning the mess the little critter had managed to claw the shirt to pieces. Bobby’s wondrous birthday shirt had been reduced from glittering masterpiece to tattered rags caked in repugnant ferret crap. Immediately Bobby moved into action and he ran to the garden shed to fetch the biggest shovel he could find. With a face set like thunder he launched back into the kitchen, and issuing a stark war cry of ‘calculate this you motherfucking ferret bastard’ he proceeded to spank little Norman into oblivion with the flat side of the spade. Again and again the blows pounded down on Normans ferret form until all that was left was a bloodied smear of fur and pulp on the tiled kitchen floor. Epilogue. Three weeks later Bobby himself died in a completely unrelated event. He was found dead by a single gunshot wound to the head in what was believed to be a crack deal gone wrong. Perhaps Bobby had time before he died to muse on whether things would have turned out differently had he not brutally pulverized his small mathematically gifted chum.
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