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Extended Work
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| Confessions of a site secretary - Paul | |
| By teddy | ||||||
| 29 August 2006 | ||||||
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Time now for Paul's account of events. Hope you'll enjoy it. Any feedback will be most appreciated. Many thanks. Paul stopped reading and placed the notebook face down open on the desk. He felt absolutely emotionally exhausted. How could they both get it so wrong? Was it entirely his fault? Or he could put some of the blame on Adi. If he had only known what was going on in her head…and heart…..but she never said…or either showed. How could he possibly guess how unhappy she felt when she was always so cheerful? She would never complain, she would never demand anything, she was, as far as he was concerned, happy. He got up and headed for the door. Half way through he changed his mind and walked back to his chair. From the cabinet underneath his desk he took out a bottle of scotch. It was only just gone midday but he felt that he could do with something stronger than a cup of coffee. He got a glass from the same small cupboard and filled it up to the top with the brownish semi-transparent liquid. He raised the glass to his lips and didn’t put it down until half of the liquor disappeared into his mouth. Just seconds after, the alcohol started dispersing slowly into his blood making his limbs feel feeble. He took another sip and then another one until the glass was empty. He was desperately trying to get rid of the almost forgotten feelings that were overwhelming him once again. Only that they didn’t want to go away. And they brought back with them painful memories that he thought were forever buried. The day he decided to speak with George about Adi. ‘George, are you in the office?’ he rang him up in the afternoon. ‘Yes, I am.’ George confirmed. ‘Have you got five minutes to spare? I need to discus something with you.’ Paul enquired. ‘Sure. Is everything alright?’ George asked concerned. ‘Yes, I’m sorry, it is not work related, it is actually personal. I’ll be down in few minutes,’ ‘Ok.’ George agreed. Few minutes later, in George’s office Paul revealed his intensions: ‘George, I want to get married.’ ‘Pardon?’ George looked at him astound. ‘I’m sorry,’ he shook his head as he was trying to scatter away any possible misunderstandings, ‘to whom?’ Paul laughed: ‘Well, who do you think? Adi of course.’ ‘Paul, are you serious? But you barely know her.’ ‘Sometimes you don’t need years to get to know someone, George. I love her and all I want is Adi to be part of my life, officially and permanently. I want to be able to look after her in a proper manner.’ ‘But, Paul’ George seemed more determined to make him reconsider his decision ‘think about the differences between you, I mean, how about her background? She will never be totally accepted in your circle of acquaintances.’ ‘I’ve never thought of you as being a snob, George. Adi is an intelligent, beautiful and caring young woman and this is all that matters to me. And honestly I don’t give a damn about what others would say. I thought you like her.’ ‘I do, of course, but…what would your parents say? Do you think they will approve of her?’ ‘Perhaps not, not in the beginning anyway, but they will have to get used to it…because, regardless of what they will say, Adi will became my wife.’ Paul could feel the tension in George’s behaviour and couldn’t understand what was wrong. He’d never showed any adverse feeling towards Adi. Not until now. ‘Paul, you cannot marry her.’ George became more and more anxious. ‘How do you mean?’ ‘There’s something I have to tell you….errrmmm…it is difficult, but before you take any further decisions, you need to know that ….she has been unfaithful to you.’ ‘I beg your pardon?’ Paul looked at George bemused. ‘She has been having an affair, Paul.’ ‘With whom?’ Paul’s face was changing its expression from shock to fury. ‘Mark Taylor, her boss.’ ‘George, I hope you realise that you’re making some serious accusations here. How can you be so sure?’ ‘I saw them, Paul. I mean, everyone on site knows.’ ‘How long have you known about this?’ Paul asked. His eyes were darkened with anger. ‘I don’t know exactly, few weeks I guess.’ ‘And until now you haven’t considered that I should know about it, …have you, George?’ ‘I’m really sorry, Paul, I’d never thought you are so serious about her. I thought she was just a fling, like all the others.’ George looked at him horrified. ‘She’s the woman that I’ve had the longest relationship with, she is obviously the only woman that I have ever lived with … and the only one I’ve always taken with me wherever I went. And you’re telling me that you didn’t know how I felt about her? After all this years of us being close friends, George, I thought you of all people should’ve known.’ Paul’s angry voice slashed the room, forcefully hitting George’s petrified face. ‘Paul, please…’ George's excuses were in vain. Paul’s eyes were overflowed with anger, there was no sympathy, no friendship left in them. He turned around and left the room without another word. Back into the office he phoned his secretary: ‘I do not want to be disturbed.’ He walked into the small bathroom attached to the room and looked in the mirror fixed on the creamy tilled wall while his hands tightly grasped the sink below. He could hardly recognise himself in the reflection the mirror threw back at him. His face was livid and he could clearly see the tiny blood vessels in his eyes getting over flooded. He could feel the anger building up, penetrating every single cell of his body slowly travelling up towards the brain, invading it with flashbacks from a past he didn’t want to remember. He was only fourteen when his brother, Charles, got married. With all the big age difference between them, they were quite close. He looked up to Charles, he was his hero, an image of someone he wanted to become one day. And Carla was beautiful, perhaps the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She had long dark hair, big blue eyes and a perfect body. Charles was absolutely besotted with her. The adolescent in Paul fell for her instantly too. It was a secret love that no one was ever allowed to find out about. He only hoped that one day he could find someone like her to make him as happy as Charles was. Carla was always so nice to him, sometimes too nice perhaps, he used to think. ‘Paul, come here.’ she said one morning while they were alone in the kitchen having breakfast. He was dressed up for school almost ready to go. She got close to him and all his senses became aware of her appetising curves. ‘Oh, Paul, look at you, you are such a handsome young man.’ she smiled at him making him blush, while her hands were fixing his tie. ‘You’ll be soon breaking so many girls’ hearts. If you haven’t started it already.’ And then she gave him a quick gentle kiss. The whole day all he could think about was the sweet taste of her lips touching his. Few weeks later one evening they were alone in the house. His parents and Charles were still up in London. They were supposed to come back later that night. He got out of his room and headed for the stairs. He was thirsty and wanted to get a glass of orange juice from the kitchen. ‘Paul’ he heard Carla’s voice calling him. He turned around and saw her standing in the half open door of her bedroom, wearing only a very thin negligee. ‘Could you come here a second?’ she smiled at him, ‘I need your help.’ He couldn’t refuse her. ‘Can you rub this on my back?’ she asked once in the room, handing him a tub of body cream. Before he could say anything she took the dressing gown off and lay down on the bed. ‘Come on, don’t be shy, I can not do it myself, can I?’ she pointed to the other side of the bed. Paul obeyed although something in his mind was telling him that he shouldn’t be there alone with her. He squeezed some cream into his hand and started rubbing her back. He felt his hand burning, transmitting new sensations to the brain, making it explode with unknown excitement. A minute later she turned towards him shamelessly exposing her naked beauty. ‘Feel this.’ she said taking his hand and placing it on one of her breasts. At that point his mind went completely blank losing its entire logic, he dragged her towards him and his hands started exploring her beautiful body while his mouth was eagerly searching hers. He was on top of her, trying hard to satisfy her sexual craving when he heard noises coming from across the landing outside the bedroom. He turned his head towards the opening door to see Charles staring at them horrified. ‘What are you doing?’ he could hear him shouting. He could not remember much after that. Later that night his father came into his room: ‘Do you realise what you have done, you stupid boy?’ he told him. ‘Now listen to me, no one else is to know about this incident, do you understand me?’ he gravely stressed his words. ‘Yes, father.’ Paul nodded terrified. He heard Carla’s car leaving the estate later that night. A week later he got sent to a boarding school. And he didn’t see his brother again until he came home for his summer holiday. He invited his new best friend, George, to spend the holiday with him at his parents’ estate. He could not stand the thought of spending the summer on his own with his parents and Charles only. Soon after Paul met George at the school, they became best of friends. They were very much alike, both bright and energetic, sharing the same interests, having similar tastes in music, movies and girls. George was the son of a wine merchant who was always on the road. After his mother’s death when he was only ten his father decided to send him to a boarding school. When George told his dad about Paul’s invitation he had no objection to it. ‘I will be away probably most of the time so you will be definitely much better there than at home on your own.’ Once at home Paul realised that things had changed. The image of a once happy family was gone. His parents were desperately worried because of Charles. He was heavily drinking every day. ‘I don’t know what to do. We tried everything. He is not interested in anything anymore, not even in the business. ’ his mother cried when he questioned the state that Charles was in. ‘I am so so sorry, mum.’ he hugged her, feeling that all this was entirely his fault. ‘It is not your fault, dear.’ she kissed his head buried into her arms. Charles was pretty much ignoring him most of the time. One night, as he was crossing the hallway downstairs, he heard his voice calling him through the library open door. ‘Paul, come here.’ Charles was sitting at his father’s desk with a glass in his hand. He was drunk. ‘Come on, sit down, brother. Don’t be scared.’ he told an anxious Paul. Paul sat down and felt a huge wave of affection invading him when he looked at his brother. He wished again that he could turn the clock back, bringing things to how they were six months ago. ‘Charles, I’m so sorry for what happened.’ That was the first time he had the chance to apologise. ‘Don’t be, Paul. It is not your fault. You’re only a child.’ ‘Listen to me, brother, never love, never trust a woman.’ he carried on. ‘Sooner or later they will destroy you if you do. Now you can go.’ ‘But Charles..’ ‘I said go, Paul.’ Charles demanded. He left the library feeling bitterly guilty. A week later, late at night, he got woken up by noises coming from downstairs. He got up and looked through the window. A police car was parked outside the gates. He put some clothes on and rushed downstairs. His father was holding his mum in his arms while talking to the police officer standing by the door. His mum was crying. ‘What happened?’ he asked highly concerned. ‘Paul, it’s your brother.’ his father turned a devastated face towards him. ‘He had a car accident.’ Paul felt his heart stopping with worry for a second. ‘Where is he? Is he alright? Has he been hurt?’ ‘Come here, son.’ his father put one of his arms around Paul bringing the three of them close together. ‘Charles is dead’ ‘No.’ he cried out loud. ‘No, tell me that this is not true. It can’t be.’ he was shaking his head in despair. He couldn’t sleep or eat for a week. It was all his fault and all the nightmares he was having were well deserved. He killed his brother. He would not talk to anyone, not even with George, who was there, sympathetically witnessing his friend’s agony. After few days Paul’s worried parents had to call a doctor, who put him on medication. On the day of the funeral, after everyone was back home from the cemetery for the luncheon, as he was heading for the bathroom, Paul heard a familiar feminine voice coming from the library, arguing with his father. ‘I am his widow and I am entitled to…’ ‘No,’ his father interrupted her, ‘you are a perverted, devious woman and if you’ll ever cross my path again I will make sure that you’ll spend the next few years in jail. Now get out.’ Paul opened the library door and saw her coming towards him. The moment he looked at her his brain stopped generating any rational thought. A second later his hands were around Carla’s neck squeezing it tighter and tighter. ‘You bitch.’ his face was distorted with anger, ‘you killed him.’ His father had to use quite substantial force to drag him of her. ‘Paul, what are you doing? Leave her alone.’ he tried to calm him down. ‘Please, leave now.’ he demanded looking at Carla. ‘You’ve done enough damage already.’ Paul needed counselling for months. He could not forgive himself for his brother death. After he started feeling better his father concentrated all his attention on his now only son. He wanted to make sure that Paul will never be vulnerable to anything or anyone. ‘Listen to me, Paul, a real man is always in control. Of his mind, of his actions and of his feelings. Don’t ever expose your weaknesses to others. No matter whom those people are.’ In few years time Paul became exactly the man his father wanted him to be: powerful, self-disciplined, there weren’t many people who would've stand up to him. With women he was kind: he liked them, admired them, bedded them. He could feel attraction, sympathy, friendship but nothing even close to passion or love. Not that he didn’t want to, no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t get to that emotional level. When he saw Adi doing her silly performance in Beaurex office it felt like he had been in an emotional coma for years and suddenly for the first time something inside him moved. He couldn’t explain why or what it was: just watching her there so full of life, struggling with the embarrassment of the situation, her annoyed eyes confronting his when they laughed at her, he couldn’t understand, there was something so intriguing, so different about her that made him curious. And somehow so warm inside. He wanted to know who she was, to talk to her, to get to know her. He went to their local pub that night with the Beaurex guys. Something he had never done before. He just hoped Adi would be there. And she was. ‘Let’s get some feminine company.’ he tactically persuaded Mike, the Beaurex Project Manager, to introduce him to her. Somehow he managed to engage her in a conversation. But as he was just getting her comfortable talking to him she left. He figured out later why. It was her friend, Louise, a young attractive woman with sexual needs that wanted satisfied. Only that he couldn’t help her. He watched Adi talking to the other men. Was any of them dating her? He was relieved when she walked outside to sit with Mark and the other guy there, who, he assumed, was another work colleague. Only his manners kept him listening to Louise’s silly conversation for the rest of the night. And the thought of Adi being around. After she went home there was nothing else to keep him there so he excused his way out. For days he tried to find a way of seeing her again. ‘When are you going next to Beaurex site?’ he phoned up George one day. ‘This afternoon. I need to arrange the drawings delivery for Friday’s meeting. Why?’ ‘Let me know when you’re leaving. I’ll come with you.’ ‘Ok.’ he could sense the surprise in George’s voice. He would hardly ever go on site. Only when there was a must. When he saw her that afternoon the somehow familiar cosy feeling took over him again. ‘A night out on Friday?’ George looked at him curiously after they left her office. ‘I didn’t know about it.’ ‘You know now.’ Paul smiled at him. He knew that George was about to guess that something was going on, only that he could not possibly get the full picture. When he asked her to come to their Friday drink he could feel that she was not really interested, something that he could not understand, But he desperately wanted her there so he went to the site that Friday afternoon to make sure she will come. On the way to his local he kept looking at her amazed. She was beautiful. And so natural. And for the first time in years he felt like he was loosing his self control. Acting unpredictably, upon the impulse of the moment. Once in the pub he wanted to keep her with him, only for himself. She chose to go and stay with her friends instead. Somehow he understood. In the end of the day, he was still a stranger. When he saw her outside, on her own, he knew that he had to go and see her. Talk to her. He would not probably get another chance. But when he found himself in front of her, just the two of them, he felt completely lost. All he could think about was that he had to touch her, to feel her. Would she let him? He tried. And she didn’t oppose. ‘Maybe she does like me.’ he hoped. Later on, back in the pub, he could notice her struggling to come to terms with what happened outside. It was definitely not something familiar to her. He felt guilty. When she left he followed her. He wanted to make sure that she was alright. But she wasn’t. He took her back to his place. And after he put her to bed he stayed there watching her peacefully sleeping, unaware of his presence, for hours wondering what was happening to him. In the days that followed he could not stop thinking about her. How was she? Did she hate him for that Friday night? Did she feel anything for him? He bravely decided to ask her out again, this time to be just the two of them. So he could have her all for himself. And to let her know that he wanted more from her than a simple night of fun at the back of a car park. And then they started seeing each other. Almost every night. She slowly become like a drug, he was dependant, he wanted her more and more. When he asked her to move in with him only weeks after they met he knew he was risking everything. What if she would get scared thinking that he was pushing things too far? He was terrified and then relieved when she agreed. After he started dating Adi his life changed completely. Until then he was out most nights. He also used to go and spend most weekends with his parents. ‘Paul, what is going on? You barely came to see us anymore.’ his mum asked one day after he missed few of her Sunday dinners. ‘I’m sorry, mum, I’ve been quite busy recently.’ he apologised smiling. ‘Who is she then?’ his mum investigated further. ‘You’ll find out, mum, when it will be the right time.’ he cut her short still unable to hide the smile on his face. After Adi moved in, he could not wait to get home every evening to see her, to be with her, emotionally and physically. He used to wake up in the morning and look at her as she was laying next to him, thinking of how happy she made him feel. There were many times when he wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, how much he loved her. Only that he didn’t know how. He was scared. He felt vulnerable: did she feel the same way about him? He couldn’t say. She was always kind, and so unselfish, but she would never talk about her feelings. When she left him first time he was absolutely terrified: will she come back? Every night he got home hoping that she will be there waiting for him. But she wasn’t. Every night he picked up the phone ready to call and ask her to come home. But he didn’t want her to think that he was pushing her. She wanted some space. He could understand. However, after almost two weeks he could not bear that situation anymore. He desperately wanted to see her. To tell her how much he loved her. By asking her to marry him. When he saw her in Luigi’s restaurant that night she looked so pale and thin that all he wanted to do was to take her in his arms and never let her go again. Paul poured himself another glass of scotch. Why did she have to come back, to torment him again? He picked up the notebook from the desk and started reading.
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