a piece written about that magical moment when a young virgin walks through the door marked 'exit'
Maybe justa little bit more flash faction, than flash fiction Her mate chewed gum while she delivered the mesage, ‘My mate fancies you’. ‘Yeh… me too..’ I replied, as I walked away giving thanks to the god who watched over teenage boys. At break I finally met my stalker outside the technical drawing classroom. Awkwardness and reef knotted tongues gave way to a master plan to meet after school. We walked and shared our biographies. We got to my house; territory that I felt offered me a slight tactical advantage. I gulped and said, ‘my mums out, let’s go up to my room’. I locked the door, just in case. The Fine Young Cannibals album sat on my very own personal stereo. I must have played side B a hundred times. We kissed for forever. Our jaws ached and lips chapped as saliva basted our chins. The latest fashions came off with machine gun rapidity. I fought valiantly to get her ski pants down with a flourish. Men were supposed to do that sort of this effortlessly. James Bond and Elvis regularly coached me in the finer points of ladykilling. We continued to try and fuse facially. I began to sweat and my hair lost its battle with the styling mousse. She flushed red and I could smell her mum’s perfume. She let me nestle my trembling hips between her legs. ‘Are you sure?’ I asked quickly. I was after all a gentleman-boy, and she was my lady-girl. There was definitely a nod as she chewed her bottom lip. A thousand angels danced along my porcelain groin as the devil played side B again. We wriggled and rutted as Roland’s velvet tones bounced off the walls. And then ecstasy! A warm Katherine wheel went off between my hips, at a hundred miles an hour. Just like in the practice sessions in the bathroom. I drew breath and leapt up; depositing everything I could squeeze out of my toothpaste tube in her belly button. She laughed and said ‘yuk!’ We held each other close and stuck together. I opened the window and sprayed deodorant. While she turned her knickers the right way out, I had to look in the mirror to check it was real. It had actually happened. I had really become a man. I looked deep into my own eyes. One was shocked and the other triumphant. I swaggered back to the bed, wishing I smoked foot long Cuban cigars. We pressed our sweaty foreheads together; ‘I love you and want to do this every day forever!’ ‘So do I’, she replied. Forever. Two weeks later she chucked me. ‘You’re not mature enough..’. How could I be immature? I was now seven feet tall. Weeks later, I got off with her mate at a party because I could. She never spoke to me again, but her memory remains indelibly etched on my now tired and forlorn groin. |
haha and cringe
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 30th August 2006 | Very wittily and perceptively done Leo. Oh the memories, cringe. I like to pretend it never happened (it didn't QUITE like that thank god).
You captured the teenage angst to get it over with, and the arrogance perfectly. The imagery was great but somewhat disgusting so i'm not going to repeat it.
'I walked away giving thanks to the god who watched over teenage boys.' - haha, as you do.
I particularly how you finished the piece off as if he were suddenly years older, with the reference to the cigars etc. However the teenager still shone through.
Well done. Perfect piece of flash fiction. | Snap, Crackle, Flop.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 30th August 2006 | Regrettably I have to disagree with Gill. Snap Crackle and Flop, more like. The writing was OK but as piece of pseudo eroticism it really didn't cut the mustard. Funny. I thought you would be good at Flash Fiction, but the end was a real wimper worthy of chick lit on a bad day. Sorry to sound so negative but that's what happens sometimes. Never mind. Still worth a review. Always tomorrow.
Slan! | Good effort....
Written by kevg (45 comments posted) 30th August 2006 | ....at flash fiction. My favourite form.
I liked the content of the piece, the turn of phrase made for an enjoyable read too, there were a few lines that stood out to me, such as:
"She flushed red and I could smell her mum’s perfume."
You used the senses well in establishing a mood and atmotsphere.
If I could make a suggestion, it would be that you could perhaps break the text up a little, add a few blank lines, to make the piece a little easier on the eye. This might also serve to highlight some of the cracking lines.
Thanks for another great read.
KevG |
Written by Phil (7002 comments posted) 30th August 2006 | Loved: Just like in the practice sessions in the bathroom. and: James Bond and Elvis regularly coached me in the finer points of ladykilling.
There were other great one liners in here too.
Ending perfect, not a flop.
Phil.
| A forlorn groin.
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 30th August 2006 | A sharply observed bit of writing,rating really hight on the cringe factor. It should be required reading in schools to encourage celibacy. I think it went on too long, you should have stopped when they did,though the image of a "forlorn groin" is one I will treasure
cheers
BBS | Teehee
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 30th August 2006 | Oh boy! Those days, jesus christ. The urgency, the secrecy, the adrenaline rush, the haste to get it over with before any one catches, woohoo. It's somehow not the same when you have all the time in the world to do it, what's the point if there's no tension. (Jerks back to reality). So yeah as i was saying, snap, crackle and pop had all the ingredients that make teenage years a pleasure.
Thanku for taking me there yet again,
regards,
TT | thank you
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 31st August 2006 | thanks everyone for your feedback. Kevg, i had so wanted to break it up to make it more visually 'accessible' but when i saw that by keeping it as one paragraph you didn't have to scroll down, i took a chance. on reflection you are spot on and i was wrong!
GC, 'pseudo eroticism' this wasn't, it wasn't even quasi-pseudo eroticism. I have realised in my short career as a hapless part time scribbler that sometimes i write one thing and people read somehting else. As someone who strives to improve all the time, i'm completely willing to accept that this means i've got to sharpen up as a writer. oh well... just one of those days i guess! love to you all, even you GC, you old cuddly curmudgeon you.. x | An example to us all...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 31st August 2006 | Thank you Leo.
I am sure you will continue to improve if for no other reason than you have learnt the most vital--and difficult--lesson any would be writer has to learn; ie. to take criticism gracefully, eloquently and in a positive spirit. Still think your 'Rose' piece is your best of late.
Slan! | Snap crackle and pop
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 3rd September 2006 | I blame it all on the music. In my day Shirley Abicair and Billy Cotton L.Ps would have driven such thoughts from your heads! And as for perfume! What was wrong with Wrights coal tar soap with an underlying suggestion of Germolene?
What's this about toothpaste? Did you have no soot and salt in the house?
Very funny and also very innocent given today's climate.
Many thanks Leo, and well done.
Mike
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