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| Whaddayagonnado? | |
| By Sir_Nigel | ||||||||||||
| 30 August 2006 | ||||||||||||
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The names in this piece have been changed to protect the unfairly accused. In fact, lets get this clear, no-one mentioned here bears any relation or resemblance to anyone either living or, more importantly, dead, anywhere, OK? OK, so I need to show this guy I mean business. I'll tell the receptionist I want to see the manager, I want a full refund and nothing less will do. He didn't sound too keen on that over the phone, the jerk. The guy had no respect. Its funny but in certain parts of Sicily or New Jersey my name alone might be enough earn respect and to strike fear into the heart of anyone with a small business. Thanks to an Italian dad I've got this cool, tough guy mobster name and I really ought to make more use of it. I sound like a guy with connections, a made guy. Perhaps I'll try dropping subtle hints with this guy to make him think I have some very powerful and shady friends but don't you go asking awkward questions if you know what's good for you, capishe? Well, it's worth a try. So when I get to the front of the queue I'm gonna say: "Tell your boss Tony Castellano is here and he's hopping mad." No wait - not hopping mad - that's undignified, I'm supposed to be a mobster for Christ's sake. What shall I say then? Tell him Tony Castellano is here and he's looking pretty mean? in no mood for levity? gonna blow? No, I've got it "Hey, (Hey lady? or is that too much?) Hey, tell your boss Tony Castellano would like a word." Yeah, that sounds suitably understated but threatening. But then I'm assuming that the receptionist will pass on the message verbatim. There's a risk she might paraphrase. She looks like a paraphraser. Damn. The manager won't exactly quake in his boots when she tells him Tony Castellano has just popped in for a chat. Perhaps I need a nickname too, just to make sure he gets the message: Tony 'The Ice Pick' Castellano is outside or Tony 'The Chainsaw' Castellano is waiting for you - something that suggests he'll be getting a one-way ticket to the ocean bed in concrete boots to sleep with the fishes with a bullet in the back of his head which will no longer be attached to his body anyway, if he doesn't watch his step. Or hows about I call myself: Tony 'I've got a 44 Magnum, a baseball bat, some paraffin and this here meat skewer' Castellano - just in case he's a bit slow. Or are self-penned nicknames a bit naff? I wonder if I could get away with just a bulge - something bulky under my clothes to suggest I'm packing a rod. But then what if she says something like "Hello big boy, are you packing a rod or are you just pleased to see me?" Actually nah she doesn't look the snappy, sassy retort type - she's only a young, mousy thing. Too late now anyway. OK, lets do this thing. I place my package on the counter and ask for a refund. "And do you have your receipt?" she asks sweetly. I hand it over. So, how do I play this? Moody and understated or perhaps just a hint that I'm a psycho killer teetering on the edge? And I'm definitely going to throw in a few outraged "What the F**ks!" too. That guy is gonna wish he was never born. I wish I'd brought my shades then I could have........... "There you go Mr Castellano" she says and hands me a cash refund. Oh. That was easy. Damn. I never even got the chance to show what I can do. Perhaps it's just as well. But now I'll never know whether my cool mobster name can pull any strings. Or....wait a minute - maybe it already has.
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