PETER- Gidday .  What's  your  best  local  brew ?

FRED-  Good day to you sir. always good to see a new face. We do have some locally made cider.

PETER – well that should do nicely I’ll have a pint.
             (a pint is put in front of him)
PETER  Bit  of a  funny  colour  -- What  kind  of  apples  is  it  made  from ?

FRED- You’d best ask Mad Tom   He makes it. That’s him sitting  over there.  --  Hey Tom !  Gentleman here is asking about your cider.

MAD TOM- Burlap, corkscrew, Methodist.

FRED- Thought so. Says it’s a family secret.

PET ER- -  Did you understand him then ?

FRED-   Oh yes, more or less get the gist

PETER-   One  of  your  local  eccentrics   is he ?

TOM-  Lord, bless you sir, no. He’s totally barking. Brain like mush.

PETER- Hmmm, I’m not sure I have the spare brain cells to waste on it   I’ll have a club soda instead. I’ll need my wits. I’ve just got a job at the manor
                  (landlord throws the pint out) 
 
FRED- Oh so you’ll be staying here, sorry I wouldn’t have offered you the cider if I’d known. I keep it for tourists.
 
PETER- And you thought I was one, cos I asked for something local?
 
FRED- Exactly. It’s a bit extra for old  Tom and sometimes I make a book on how far they’ll get before the local mechanic has to tow them back
 
PETER- Isn’t that a bit reckless?
 
FRED- Not since I organised a proper queuing system for the betting.

PETER- It certainly makes the pub quizz sound tame.
 
FRED- So, anyway you’ll be working for her ladyship, then?
 
PETER-Looks that way
 
FRED- She’s a bit of a mystery the new Lady Nascent, lots of rumours about her.
 
PETER- Oh yes, like what. I know she seems a bit fierce, maybe a bit reactionary.
 
FRED- That’s one word for her, they say she has the BNP on speed dial so watch your step.
 
PETER-I’ll make my own mind up about her I don’t like to judge.
 
FRED – She does, does it all the time, but then with her being a  judge I suppose you expect it.


PETER-(to change the subject) Those windows baskets of yours are a picture.

FRED-  Yes ,   my pride and joy. Do you know someone stole them once? I was so upset.

PETER-  Hard  to  believe  that  there  would  be  such crime in this lovely place.  It's a  tragedy !    But, at least, no-one's taken these.

FRED No,  I had Chris wire them to the mains, and  that  seems  to have worked.

PETER-  Right, really .. ..  I wasn’t going to say...   Well  yes,  I'd  say  it  would !


FRED-  You have to be careful watering the buggers, though

PETER You do know there is some one swinging off one of them? Won't  he  ?...

FRED-   That’ll be Crazy  Tom . He’s okay

PETER- So there’s Crazy Tom and Mad Tom How do you tell them apart?

FRED-   Well Mad Tom is just mad whereas Crazy Tom is really….
 
PETER- Crazy?
 
FRED- Oh you’ve noticed it as well have you?

PETER - Does he know about.... ?

FRED-  Oh, yes . That’s why he does it.   When he touches the wall he makes the circuit.  It’s all he’s got left since the off licence refused him credit.

PETER-  Isn’t it a bit dangerous for him.?

FRED-   Not really, after about three  shocks  he drops  unconscious and Sgt Bagheera carts him off.

PETER     I see I have a lot to learn if I want to stay here

FRED  You have to make your own entertainment in the village. We’re simple folk, here.

PETER-   You have a rare gift for understatement, barkie. Well I’d better be going,thanks for the drink .   And goodbye to you,Mad Tom.

MAD TOM-  Banana, Mattress, acorn.

PETER- Tom says he’s sorry I  didn’t like the cider.
 
FRED- How did you know that?
 
PETER- I've got an uncle who makes his own hooch.