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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Confessions of a site secretary - part 7
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Extended Work
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| Confessions of a site secretary - part 7 | |
| By teddy | ||||||||||||
| 01 September 2006 | ||||||||||||
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This is it, my life is finished. At first I thought it might be the stress I’ve being going through recently. But last night I found out for a fact that it is not that actually. The big plus displayed on the indicator screen made it all clear: I am bloody pregnant! That’s why my period’s been late for nearly a week now. I am totally devastated. And absolutely terrified. And this morning I already had my first portion of morning sickness. I embarrassingly had to burst into the bathroom where Tina was brushing her teeth. ‘I’m sorry.’ I managed to mumble before kneeling in front of the toilet, ‘I’m not well.’ ‘What is going on, Adi?’ Tina asked me after I finished. ‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’ There was no answer needed, I think she could figure that one out by the terrified look on my face. ‘Oh dear.’ she said while sitting herself on the edge of the bath tub, ‘how long have you known?’ ‘I found out for sure last night. I did a pregnancy test.’ ‘Gosh. Does …Paul know about it? I assume it’s his.’ Well, at least that is one think I do not have to worry about: trying to guess who the father is. I know for a fact that Mark can not have anymore kids, well, he made sure some time ago he won’t have anymore kids. With his record I’m not really surprised. So it is Paul’s. Tina doesn’t know about Mark. She wouldn’t have liked it. Now how can I possibly go back to Paul and tell him that I’m pregnant with his kid when he knows that I’ve been shagging Mark while being with him? He would laugh in my face before I had a chance to explain anything. And I couldn’t bear that, I would rather die. I don’t think he would want to talk to me anyway. And I can’t really blame him. ‘No, he doesn’t’ I turned to Tina. ‘And yes, it is his,’ ‘Aren’t you gonna tell him?’ ‘I dunno, I don’t even know yet what I’m going to do.’ ‘You mean, you’re considering having an …?’ ‘Yes, maybe, I don’t know.’ I anxiously replied. Just the thought of having an abortion scares the hell out of me. ‘Listen, Adi, I cannot tell you what to do. A child is a big responsibility. And hard work. Especially for someone so young. On the other hand, it can bring so many satisfactions. But, as I said, this is a decision only you can make. Don’t forget though, no matter what happens, you’re not on your own, you have me and Craig to support you, ok?’ ‘Ok.’ I nodded gratefully. ‘Now, come on, let’s go downstairs and have a cup of tea.’ ‘You won’t tell my parents, will you?’ I begged her. ‘Hmmm…ok, not yet. But you might have to do it at some point.’ ‘Thanks, Tina.’ I gave her a big hug. I decided not to go to work this morning. ‘Hi, it’s Adi.’ I left a message on Mark’s voice mail, ‘listen, I’m phoning in sick, ok? I don’t think I’ll be in this week at all actually…’cos I’m not feeling well. Cheers. Talk to you later. Bye.’ I need some time to decide what to do and having Mark around wouldn’t help much, that’s for sure. Ten minutes later he phoned me back. ‘What’s up, babe?’ ‘Nothing, I’m just a bit ill.’ ‘Oh, poor little thing. Can I pop in to see you this afternoon?’ ‘No.’ I refused him instantly. ‘You can’t.’ ‘But why? I’ve missed you.’ ‘Mark, I need rest. I don’t want to see anyone.’ ‘Adi, what’s going on? You’re not fucking back with him, are you? he suddenly became suspicious. He always does when something comes up. ‘Yeah, ok, Mark. What do you think the chances of that would be, eh? Don’t be so bloody stupid. I am at home and I want to rest, why do I have to repeat myself thousand times?’ ‘Ok, ok, don’t get stroppy with me…you’ll look after yourself, won’t you?’ ‘Yes, I will…I need to go now. Bye.’ I quickly said feeling my stomach revolting for the third time in under an hour. I still can’t believe that all this is real. At first I couldn’t even understand how it happened. We were always careful. And then I figured it out. It must’ve been the night I went back to him. Even now that night still makes me blush. We couldn’t even wait to get properly inside when we just jumped on each other. The last thing we had in mind was the pack of condoms resting on Paul’s side cabinet in the bedroom. Now I can understand me being totally irresponsible ‘cos, at the end of the day, I am only a stupid twenty three year old girl, but what excuses has he got? Today is Monday and this morning I was back at work. For the last few days all I did was to think about what I was going to do. And I’ve finally reached a decision. Something that I might deeply regret later but at present it seems the only option. For me at least. The first few days after I split up with Paul I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t eat or sleep. Tina and Craig were worried sick. Mark was highly concerned seeing my red tired eyes every morning. ‘Com’on, sweetheart, it’s not the end of the world, is it? And you still have me.’ ‘Yeah, Mark, you’re absolutely right. What would I do without you, eh?’ After a while I decided that it was time to put my shock therapy at work. I have my own way of dealing with pain. With real pain. I blank it all out. This is what I did when my granddad died. It was the first time when someone very close walked out on me. For the first few days the pain was so bad that I thought the heart might burst out of my chest. On the day of the funerals I hid into my grandparents’ garden shed and stayed there crying for hours. It seemed like my whole world was falling apart, like someone was stealing away from me all the sweet memories of such a happy childhood. And then for months, almost a year, I refused to think or talk about it. Until I got used to the idea that I will never see him again. And all the so dear past times will never come back. I tried the same with Paul. And it started to work until I found out that I was pregnant. Now I have this small piece of him growing inside me and that reminds me every single second that I, once, had a chance, perhaps the only one, of being utterly happy and I blew it all out. ‘Hi, babe’ Mark put his arms around me when I got into the office, ‘how are you feeling?’ I must be fair to him, he did phone me every day, few times a day actually. Now, whether he was concerned or just making sure that Paul is not back into the scene, I don’t know. ‘Mark, we need to talk.’ I pushed him away. ‘Ok, babe.’ he looked at me worried, ‘just give me few minutes to sort few things out on site. That fucking backwards cunt, Vlas, is late again. I swear to God I’m gonna sack him one of these days.’ Ten minutes later he was back in the office. ‘Yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?’ ‘Mark, I talked to Chris from HR on Friday and asked to be moved to another site.’ He looked at me shocked. ‘You’re fucking joking, aren’t you?’ ‘No, I’m not.’ ‘But why? Have I done something wrong?’ he asked concerned. ‘No, it’s nothing to do with you.’ ‘Oh yeah, so with whom then? Him? You’re back with him, aren’t you? I knew it, I fucking knew it.’ he snapped. ‘Oh, just shut up, Mark, will you? It’s not that. I’m pregnant.’ ‘What?’ That moment I almost felt sorry for him seeing the dumb expression on his face. ‘Now I know it can’t be yours, It is Paul’s. That’s why I can’t see you anymore.’ ‘Fucking hell. Don’t tell me you’re going to keep it.’ ‘Yes, I am.’ He just stood there staring at me. ‘Adi, do you know what you’re getting yourself into?’ ‘No, probably not.’ I looked at him nervously. I mean, I dunno, it’s hard to explain. The first few days last week I kept thinking about it. And I decided that the termination would be the only option. But then, on Saturday afternoon, I went out shopping. Just few little things for myself: a new toothbrush, a lipstick and a set of paint brushes for my next painting project. The Walthamstow market was busy. A crowd of people was moving and pushing everywhere. As I was trying to make my way towards the shopping centre I found myself protectively putting my hands on my tummy. ‘Hey, you, watch it, I’ve got a baby inside here.’ That was my very first maternal instinct. Back home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now, you tell me, how I can possibly get rid of the little life that’s growing inside me? The more I thought about it the more I knew that I couldn’t do it. I would never forgive myself if I did. ‘Does he know?’ Mark questioned, him being Paul. ‘No.’ ‘So, when you gonna give him the good news then?’ ‘I dunno, maybe I won’t.’ ‘What? You’re fucking mad.’ he oddly looked at me. ‘So what’ he carried on sarcastically this time, ‘you’re gonna bring the kid up on your own, aren’t you? You think it’s that easy, don’t you? Being a single mum, struggling with all the bills and everything….when he’s got all that fucking dosh. I’m telling you, girl, you should go and have your head examined.’ He walked across to the window looking outside. I could see he was upset. ‘So this is it, isn’t it?’ he turned around after few seconds ‘We’re finished. I can’t fucking believe you’re doing this to me, Adi.’ ‘Mark, for God’s sake, I’m pregnant with someone else’s kid….what would you expect?’ To be honest just the thought of getting intimate with someone else while carrying Paul’s child seems like a blasphemy. ‘Can I ask you a favour?’ I said to him. ‘What’s that then?’ he curiously looked at me. ‘Please don’t tell anyone about this.’ ‘What do you take me for? ‘course I won’t. No matter what you might think about me, Adi, I do fucking care, you know?’ Today was my last day on Beaurex site. I felt a bit sad. I went to see Louise upstairs: ‘I’ll miss you, Lou.’ We haven’t been that close recently but she’s been still my mate. ‘Oh, Adi, why do you have to leave? It’s because of Mark, isn’t it? I knew it wasn’t gonna work.’ ‘Yeah, you’re right, Lou.’ I somehow managed to smile. ‘He’s a good guy though.’ And Mark’s been very quite this week. He hasn’t been swearing that much. And he’s been almost polite. I caught him few times watching me regretfully. ‘Com’on, Adi, it’s your last day here so I’ll take you for a drink.’ he said this afternoon. ‘I can’t drink, remember?’ I smiled. ‘Ok, let me rephrase it then, let’s go for an orange juice.’ ‘Ok.’ We didn’t go to the Headers. ‘Too much smoke in there for you.’ he said. Now, that was rather sweet. We went to a bar nearby. Surprisingly, he had only orange juice too. ‘I’ll take you home.’ he said when we finished. In the car, in front of Tina’s house, he gave me a big hug: ‘You’re a top bird, Adi, you know that? Listen, if you ever need anything, please do call me, ok?’ ‘Thanks, Mark.’ And now I am all on my own again. Well, with Tina and Craig actually. But there is no man in my life at the moment. And I don’t think there will be any in the near future. It is only me and The Baby. I had a weird dream last night. Well, it was rather nice actually. The Baby and I were curled up in Paul’s arms in his bed. It felt so cosy and safe that neither of us wanted to leave. So we stayed there for hours. Until the alarm clock went off. Which reminded me that it’s bloody Monday again! And my first day on the new site. Good luck, girl! There I go, getting all ready for work.
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