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Poetry
Forgive me , fengchi
By patterjack
01 September 2006
I am sticking my neck out , by rewriting another person's poem.

I speak no oriental language , and I am only guessing at the spirit of the poem .

Indeed , I have found that while writing this I could have written another version that almost diectly contradicts the spirit of this one.

If I am entirely off-beam , I apologise, but what a great exercise it was.


Secretly I stole into your heart

caressing the restless spirit I find there.

I have a fierce desire for your kisses

and you need my kisses in return

Your almost half closed eyes

betray the honeyed sweetness

and your stillness brings the tears

that wash away my smile.

As I kiss you , my trembling lips

feed drunkenly on yours.

Your embrace enfolds my whole body,

My need is for you to swallow me up.

Your long hair floats in the wind ;

my greed for its scent is satisfied.

Reviews
Wah!
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 1st September 2006
Lay m'sic gong guandong-wah Patterjack? 
 
Ngor tsi-do. Aujow yan sic gong Jingman. 
 
Mgoy' sai 
 
Lay Guandong-wah seefu, 
 
Givitsum
Well now ....
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 1st September 2006
... perhaps I could make a wild guess ( and it would be a wild one indeed ) but I have no intention of even trying to translate that little lot !!! 
 
On the off chance -- thank you or .....  
 
patterjack :grin
A lily guilded
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 1st September 2006
And much improved for it.  
 
Oli
Indeed
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 1st September 2006
Very good...dare I say it would be interesting to see the contradictory version??? 
 
Elli
Don't think so...
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 1st September 2006
... the stuff was deleted fom both the memory banks of the computer , and my Alzheimer riddled brain. 
 
I can no longer remember how I expressed it-- but if I do I will inflict on the site ,  
 
Unlikely though, as I can't remember what verses I wrote five minutes after writing them . Total truth ! 
 
Thank you for the comment . 
 
patterjack  
 
Reads aloud well
Written by ainsel (48 comments posted) 1st September 2006
...which as you know is the first thing I judge by. 
 
Nice demonstration of how important choice of words is for a poet. 
 
I'm not sure you've quite captured the feel of the original, though... 
 
ainsel

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