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Poetry


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Meeting on a train

By Phil

02 September 2006

My first attempt at proper poetry. However, not even sure if it is poetry. It doesn't really scan, the only rhyme is at the end and that was more by accident than design. Maybe better as prose or left alone completely.

Pick to your heart's content.

Meeting on a train.

His body gone,
His smell remains;
Strong, pungent.

I sit in his space
And wonder;
Where had he come from?
Where has he gone?

A man.
Middle aged,
Maybe older.
I build him from the only clues he left behind.

I look through his window
And ponder.
What did he see?

What did he hear?

I try to catch his thoughts,
Left behind like wisps of smoke.
They come within grasp
Then flit away before cognition.

All that’s left is his smell
And a fleeting sense of recognition.

Reviews

I like it
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 2nd September 2006

Dear Phil

You have a keen, observing eye (nose?) - I don't care too much about form - that is intensely personal. For me there is no right or wrong - I like it a lot. A humanity and intellect shine through.

Let go the internal critical sensor man! You are human, creative, unique, talented, brilliant and your words are voraciously eaten up by this "critic" anyway.

More please!!

Oli.

Rhyme or Rhythm?
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 3rd September 2006

I bet this has been the source of more nights of drunken debate than any other aspect of poetry! :grin

I enjoyed the rhythm of this, and the economy of words. One of my tutors at Uni defined poetry as "the art of saying as much as possible , using the least possible number of words".

Sounds like a good definition to me! Carry on!!!

hi!
Written by isobel* (26 comments posted) 3rd September 2006

im a great believer that we make our own rules, as artists especially, and more so when it concerns issues of emotional expression. somehow we ought to trust ourselves as to what 'feels' right, regardless of tradition.

this is a beautiful piece of work, and i agree with the comments above - the thoughts are transfered well, we get a fine image if what you are attempting to portray. The questions and the statements in the poem balance well, and personally i like the rhyme at the end - it has a delicacy that isnt obvious.

well done
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 4th September 2006

Poetry is a medium whose mechanics confound me, but i do enjoy reading pieces. a perfect size and accessible, which not all poetry is. great stuff phil.

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