Billy: What is it? Is it her cookin'? It’s her cookin' innit..?

Adam: Nah man, it’s not just the cookin'. It’s more than just the cookin'.

Billy: She’s a crap cook yer knaa. Yez need a woman who can cook. You show me a happy blerk and I’ll guarantee there’s a wifey in the backgroond what deez good cookin'.

Adam: She’s alreet at cookin'. She's been learning that oriental cooking yer knaa. Loadsa herbs and spices 'n' stuff. In fact, you name a herb or spice, and if it's not in wor' kitchen, she ain't gorrit!

Billy: Whats' she cook yesterday?

Adam: Yorkshire puddin'.

Billy: Well there yez gan. Yorkshire puddin' is for Sunday yer knaa. What sort of sick woman cooks Yorkshire puddin' on a Saturday?

Adam: I like Yorkshire puddin'. What's wrang wi' Yorkshire puddin'?

Billy: On Saturday? Nah man! [Shaking his head in semi-disbelief] Yez have to move on from this woman. Yez need to tell 'er.

Adam: I've never been nae good at this sort of thing man. I've always been shite wi' women though but. When have yez seen me stand up to 'er? Nevva!

Billy: Divven't worry man. Yez'll be alreet. Just gan tell her it's all owa' and walk away. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. That way if yez are evva stuck in future, yez'll knaa all yez 'ave t'dee is click yer finggaz and she'll come runnin'. [Has a drink from his glass]

Adam: I divvent want her to keep waiting for wor'. I want a clean break, yer knaa, I want 'er to find 'erself some new gadgy, and forget aboot me al'ogether.

Billy: Well just tell her straight! Yez can dee, yer knaa yer can.

Adam: It's not that easy though but Billy. I seem to crumble whenever I get into a confuntation..

Billy: Yez mean confrontation..

Adam: Nah, confuntation, yer knaa, arguing like.

Billy: The word is confrontation! That's not a word that you said.

Adam: Well yer knaa worra mean, when we start rowing like.

Billy: Y' gorra be tough.

Adam: I knaa, but when I see them puppy dog eyes, smell that porfume, hear that posh Sunderland accent... 'am always tempted.

Billy: What. Be tempted to what?

Adam: Yer knaa….. dee it. What if I get tempted into having one last…er... turn. Sort o', one for the road like.

Billy: Howaaaay! Divven't be tempted doon that route [shaking his head]. Been there, got the t-short and scars to prove it. You can’t dee it man. Never dee it. Yez’ll be reet back where you started from. [pops some nuts in his mouth from the small bowl on the bar]

Adam: What yez talkin' aboot?

Billy: Well, [Chewing] look. How many times have yer closed yer eyes when yez've been shaggin' her, and pretended she was some gorgeous, famous bord? You knaa, er... Britney Speeaz, Cindy Crawford, Pam Eyres..

Adam: Well... yer knaa…er…

Billy: Well, a woman will nevva dee that yer knaa. When a woman has sex wi' a bloke, it's 'cos she loves 'im. So if you gan getting roped intae one of these 'farewell' bonks, yez'll be reet back where yer started from, 'cos she'll think you feel the same. They nevva realise yez've got your eyes shut imagining she's Charlie Dimmack. Yez've gotta nip it in the bud like that! [Bangs his fist on the bar] Mark my words. Yez'll never get shut of it man.

Adam: Aye, well, I..

Billy: [Has another huge swig of his pint] It’s like a dog reet. If yez’re trying to stop a dog from jumpin' on the soofa, you divven't catch him on there, and say "yez're not allood on there, but come on, I'll let you have one more kip on it before I start kicking yer arse for being on there" do yez? You stop him there and then man! [Turns his palms up] Sort of, cruel to be kind. [thinks for a second or two] Alreet, I'll admit that's not the best metaphor, but yez knaa what 'am talkin' aboot...

Adam: Wo' see yer point like, I think. But what if she gets really upset? I'm a sucka when she torns them watta-works on..

Billy: Nah. Oldest trick in the book that one! Oldest trick in the book. That's where yez've arsed it up in the forst place. All that rer-mantic shite I've seen yez deein', making her cups o' coffee, buying her bloody flooaz, not fartin' in front of her. Yez should have put yer foot doon early on man, [fists his own palm] bang! Let her knaa who’s  boss reet from the start. Women respect that yer knaa. If yez'd been a bit more strict with 'er from the onset, yez could'a just told her to bugga off noo and she would have, nae questions. Because, she’d respect yer. As it is, she's got nae respect fo' yer.

Adam: You divven’t think she respects wo'?

Billy: I KNAA she divven’t respect yez. If she respected yez, she’d save the Yorkshire puddin' for Sunday, and have a full roast waitin' for yez when you come back from the pub. And she'd make 'em 'erself, not palm you off wi' them frozzan ones from Iceland..

Adam: You might have a point yer knaa... I think yez're reet. Who does Yorkshire puddin' on Saturdays huh?

Billy: [Long shrug in a ‘I told you so’ manner]

Adam: Hmmm. [pauses] Wor divven't knaa. She can have a bad tempa yer knaa...

Billy: Tempa? Look, fight fire wi' fire. Give her a slap if she comes that game. Equal rights and all that crap.

Adam: But we've been together a long time...

Billy: Howay man. Look, let's face it. She's not the best lookin' tart in the World is she? I mean, howay! Her arse is that big every time she bends over we lose an hoo'rs dayleet. She's boring, nags a lot, crap cook. Yez can dee a hell of a lot bett'a than that yer knaa. [Finishes his pint off] I mean, what is there aboot her that keeps yez with her?

Adam: [Thinking out loud] Er….. [scratching his head] …

Billy: REET! Nowt! Not a bloody thing.

Adam: Well I suppose in a way...

Barman: Can I get you another one mate?

Billy: [To the barman] Whay Aye, please mate. Can you stick one in the barrel for him an'arll? [Turns back to Adam] Yez best bet is just tell her 'Sorry, but I want you oot. Come on, piss off. It's owwa'. [Pointing at the door]

Billy: I’ll tell yez what; there’s this woman at work yer knaa. Single, 39 years auld. How’s aboot I get you her numbba?
 
Adam: Eh? [Sits upright] Nah man. Nah, I’m too old for blind dates. And anyways, I should wait ‘til I’m separated forst before I gan off lookin' for another wifey by reets..

Billy: What for man? Look, just think of it as a little forward planning. Think aboot it; Naebody puts their hoose for sale before they have foond one that they wan' to buy themselves, do they? It’s the logical thing to dee! Again, metaphor-wise it's not the best, like but...

Adam: It’s not gonna make wo' look like a saddo is it?

Billy: Course not man. I’ll get her numbba and ye' can ring her. Just gan oot for lunch or summat, see what yez think. She likes to wear them stilletto's yer knaa. An' stockin's, not tights. Take 'er oot for a test run..., but divven't gan naewhere tee expensive like, 'cos I think she likes ste-ak...

Adam: [Deep in thought] Hmmm...

Adam: Is she a good looka?

Billy: Whay aye man, she’s good lookin'. Nice lookin'. Pretty actually.

Adam: Worra aboot the arms?

Billy: The what? Arms? [Adam nods] Er...well, there's two of 'em like, yer knaa, and er....

Adam: Nah man. What are they like? Slim? Nice definition? They're not hairy are they? Tell me she's not got hairy arms...

Billy: What you on about man? What do you think she is an Orang Utan? She's got nice arms. Canny arms.

Adam: Hang on. Why is she still single? Who gets to 39 and is still single? What's wrang with 'er? She's not Welsh is she? What sort of wifey gets to 39 and is still single?

Billy: I divven't knaa, mebbe she's... I divven't knaa! There's nowt wrang with 'er. She's a Geordie lass for Gods sake. South Shee-alds. Mebbe she likes being single. Who knaa's?

Adam: [Pauses, thinking] Nice finggaz?

Billy: What finggaz?

Adam: Her finggaz. Are they nice?

Billy: Er.. I divven’t knaa man. I've not really looked at 'er finggaz.

Adam: But are they long? Short? I hate stumpy finggaz [frowns].

Billy: Er.. Aye! Long and taperin', yer knaa. Pianists fingers. [mimicks playing a piano] She'd give Liberace a run for his money in the ol' finggaz department.

Adam: [Nodding slowly, still thinking] What’s the bodywork like on it?

Billy: The body is.... She’s gorra good body, very nice, aye. Yez’ll definitely like the body. Nice bristols, slim waist, aye, canny body.

Adam: I like a nice pair o' bristols mind. I've always been a bristols man mesel'. Is she taller than me? I hate tall women. Gives wor an inferiority complex.

Billy: She’s not taller than you man. She’s aboot 5’ 5”. Not tee tall, not tee short. Just nice, yer knaa..

Adam: What aboot the shouldaz?

Billy: The shouldaz? What yez talkin' aboot shouldaz....? [shrugs his shoulders, shakes his head]

Adam: Shouldaz are important to me. Not tee roonded. It makes dresses hang funny yer knaa. Makes 'em look like they've still got a coat hangga under th' dress. Hunch back.

Billy: Divven't worry, her shouldaz are nice and square-ish.. not tee square though. And, her name's Monique.

Adam: [Puzzled look] Since when does her name matta?

Billy: Look, are yez interested or what?

Adam: Wor must admit it’s temptin'. [Short pause whilst he thinks] It's nae good. I'd have to be properly separated. What aboot when she asks me if I'm single? I can't say "Nah pet, still married. But if this works oot between us, I'll probably leave wor lass." can I? Eh? 

Billy: That’s why I’ve been tellin' yez to gan back and end it NOO man!! Just tell the cow straight!

Adam: That's not me though is it? I'm a bit soft like that. I’m alreet until she starts shouting an’ that, then I tend to… yer knaa…

Billy: Do you want me to tell her for yer? I will if yez want? I don't give a shite me man..

Adam: Nah, nah. Wor'll dee it, I suppose. [Has a drink and thinks for a second] It's not easy after 20-odd years of marriage though son.

Billy: Whay aye dad, but there's a lot more fish in the sea than me mam yer knaa. It’s time to get your tackle oot and see what bites, as they say…