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Comedy
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| Last of the Special Brew | |
| By cynicsid | ||||||||||||||
| 05 September 2006 | ||||||||||||||
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Obscurantist whimsy LAST OF THE SPECIAL BREW Stood in line they looked like a chord 1st 3rd and 5th. The key note-Arthur Flatt, Shorty Slow-hand to his friends, was the 1st of the trio to retire and was thus at a loose end. The next in pitch liked to be known as Trucker. It is not quite clear when he had formally retired but he had finally hung up his leather gloves and taken down his fluffy dice on medical grounds. He had been diagnosed as suffering from “WAS”-Work Aversion Syndrome. The top note though not a key-board player was according to Shorty “renowned for his swelling organ solos.” He had yet to retire but his low profile approach to his work resulted in a situation not unlike retirement on full wages. The formation of a Carpentry Shop Trio was Top Note’s idea. He had said, “It’s just like a Barber’s Shop Quartet but the harmonies are simpler”. Shorty accompanied the singing on his Banjo, Trucker Played Bongos and Top Note wailed solos on a blues kazoo. So really they were nothing like a Barber’s Shop Quartet. Shorty was in it for the fame and glory, Trucker for the groupies and Top Note just liked the uniform of Doctor Martins Boots, dark blue overalls topped off with a grey wood gown. They were known quite simply as J.P. and the Wood-Gowners. Their repertoire included, Takes this Hammer, Knock on Wood, Mahogany May, Turn, Turn, Turn and many others themed to reflect the band’s image. They always finished a set with Virginia Plane. It is rumoured that they sniffed glue but this was never proven. They’d sent a DVD of one of their gigs to a top Liverpudlian D.J. His widow had considered suing the group for having occasioned the man’s untimely demise. She’d said to the papers “That he was a man who loved music so the shock of hearing such atonal cacophony had surely pushed him over the edge”. Still the adage that as long as you spell the names right it does not matter what you say proved to be correct. The Boys shot to fame overnight. They became the Euthanasia Society’s House Band. Bookings stretched ahead for over 30 months. The Crown Prince used his influence to get them to top the bill at the Royal Variety Command Show. As a consequence they attended his Coronation but were not allowed to perform as the new King was counting on the House of Lords to support his coming coup. The press invented a set of clichés to cover this new style of music, Nail Bangers! Hard Deciduous Wood! And finally Ashied Rock! The cultural impact was profound, carpentry and joinery courses boomed. Wood was the latest craze. Everything had to be made of wood. Copycat Groups sprang up. Shorty found it all too much and said the band was too commercial so he wanted to go back to his roots! Trucker so enjoyed driving his timber-framed oak clad artic that he went off on a long journey to find himself! Top Note went into a clinic in an attempt to break his glue habit. The medicos also tried to prise his nostrils apart. Their company issued a retrospective album, which went Platinum overnight. However Shorty went agricultural and formed a new three man super-group called “The Milk Marketing Board”. Trucker went into the movies and became renowned for his “On the road” epics. In these films he was always accompanied by a buxom occupational health Nurse, so they were nicknamed Oakey and the Band Aid. Top Note on leaving the clinic formed a new band and went on the road. It ended in disaster for following a heavy glue snorting session he swallowed his Kazoo and choked to death on stage. The clip is very popular on quiz shows, you know, the quizmaster would ask, “Now what happens next?” The remaining 2 gave a Memorial Concert, it was seen in nearly all of the world’s countries and by most of their populations. The finale encore number, lasted 17 minutes, 15 minutes of which involved re-iterating the chorus Da Da Da : Da Da Da Da: Da Da Da Da ,He Glued”. It is believed that across the world over 700 million Kazoos were blown in fond tribute to the fallen demi-god! But funnily enough none of them were in the U.K. for Kazoos had been banned by the HSE as being in breach of the Health and Safety at Work Act. Shorty made a final closing comment, “Well on the positive side this should put an end to all those rumours about the band reforming. Oh and by the way I’m leaving the Milk Marketing Board and am forming a new band called Horty and The Playing Cards”.
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