A rant at the fast food culture.
Dear reader, if you have a body mass index (BMI) which is anywhere near the recommended norm, you may turn the page now. This article is not written for you. Go and read something else. Restaurant reviews, gym adverts, life-style pages…you are not needed here. This is where we hang out (literally), the despised and ostracised minority, the flabby underbelly of society, the obese. We don’t need your pity, we don’t want your advice, we are sick of your smugness, your self control, your very raison d’etre is to make us feel even worse about ourselves than we already do. We hate you. No, honestly we do. I mean it from the bottom of my over-worked heart, or even from the heart of my over-worked bottom.
I have no idea of the statistical weight distribution (SWD) of the readership of this august publication. How many readers are fatties (like me)? How many skinny malinky long legs’? How many average Joes and Joannas? How many physically perfect specimens? How do we compare to the readers of other publications? Are the readers of broadsheets more broad-arsed? Are the tabloid reading majority, generally accepted to be more “working class”, also more lardy? These fundamental and troublesome questions will no doubt remain unanswered until MORI decides that there is a demand for answers beyond the flabby interior of my amply padded cranium. I have no doubt though that there is a frying-pandemic of obesity. But I digress…
I am angry. I am fat. I am fat and angry. Why? Dear reader, you have stuck with me thus far, please hang on in there and I shall explain all (hopefully the emaciated have toddled off somewhere else). Some things cannot be swallowed in trite sound-bites. We are not in the business of making what is a messy, dog’s dinner of an issue into a tasty morsel for your delectation. I refuse to write a critique of the convenience food industry and couch it in convenience prose. I speak, of course, of the global conspiracy. Yes indeed, I make no apology for being dramatic, attention grabbing, saying it like it is. I know you would expect no less.
It started innocently enough – before the global powers that be had spotted the potential. Vesta curries. Yes, you read right. Remember the exotic box, promising the very fragrance of the kitchens of the mogul emperors…culinary genius only desiccated. We swallowed it (literally) and thus we were damned. But it was not only the Great Granddaddy of the cursed pot noodle itself, it was what it represented. Convenience food. The preparation may be convenient…even this is a matter for conjecture – what was once convenient now seems anything but, as we become accustomed to the quick fix – having to wait two whole minutes before stirring again and adding the spicy sauce sachet, 120 seconds of agony, I must not be the only one to have gorged on a half-cooked King pot noodle. The long term effect of such food is anything but convenient. To put the two things together, convenience and food, was utter folly. We are paying the price for this, and we never asked for it in the first place.
When I am lounging, late of an evening, in my comfy chair, perhaps the take-aways have closed (more of them at a later date), I am most unlikely to get the notion to go and prepare a curry from scratch. This would take time, effort, calories… If there was no other option available, I would probably toddle off to my scratcher, consoling myself with thoughts of a fried breakfast. But a pot noodle, or a micro-burger (ready in 70 seconds) or tin of Bombay Balti beans dumped in a bowl and nuked for 2 minutes, that’s a different matter. Are you paying attention at the back? Or are your thoughts turning to lunch, what with all this talk of food?
I am convinced that the global conspiracy (see, I said it again, you were not imagining it), extends beyond the food producers to the others who benefit from the after effects. The private medical industry, the diet industry, the undertakers who eventually have to bury or fry our lardy asses, all are implicated, all stand to gain. The tentacles of the evil beast are wide reaching. There is one irrefutable fact dear reader, IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I AM FAT. There, I said it. I do not need to take responsibility for my own weight and health – there are others who have manipulated me. Others more cunning, more powerful, more persuasive – what chance did little me have of not become not little me? It is time that the culprits were exposed and I intend to do just that, right here in this column (if Mr. Editor is brave enough to give me enough rope).
So where does this leave us? I have merely hinted at the extent of the scandal, just given your twitching snouts a tantalising whiff. Hopefully I have set the cogs of your cognisance a-turning. Next time I will expose the Supermarkets in all there seedy doings. Grab and go counter? Hot freshly roasted chicken, ribs, Cumberland sausages. A fast-track medieval banquet – DIRTY BASTARDS!
|
Food for thought...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 5th September 2006 |
Liked it a lot. Certainly very original.Thoughtful too. Originality's a bit in short supply round here at the moment. As for thought...
More satire than comedy, but who cares. Along with Sasquatch and Givitsum, the best piece I've read over the last week or so.
Slan! |
Written by Phil (7008 comments posted) 5th September 2006 |
Excellent Talisker. Not a laugh a minute, but a smirk from start to finish. I thought this was written perfectly; you kept the 'narrators' tone constant throughout the whole piece. As GC says, original.
And there was me thinking you only wrote poetry. Just goes to show.
All the best,
Phil. |
Better...
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 5th September 2006 |
...than the shake 'n' Vac!
I won't go as far as an 'excellent' like Phil (above), but I would say I liked it, and well worth a read. As has been said, very original.
Cheers
Givitsum |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
The trouble with a rant is it can be a bit incoherent. I'm not sure what you wanted to say, what point you were making and unless you empathise with it the humour is lost. Maybe it's me, others "got it" but I don't like that "Grumpy old men" programme either
cheers
BBS |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
I've re-read this a couple of times in an effort to pinpoint the "originality" to which the first three respected reviewers refer - and I keep coming up with a mish-mash of fairly dated Morgan Spurlock/Michael Moore/McLibel-related ideas done in a grumpy old fat man format.
You write extremely well. But it struck me this was an entertaining narrator character, with an entertaining style in ranting, who just hadn't progressed very far - maybe that's the originality. Sorry, Talisker, I like the poetry, but this particular piece didn't do it for me on this occasion. |
Thank you one and all!!
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
I genuinely value the feedback - +ve and -ve.
GC, Phil & Givitsome - Thanks you for your kind comments, which I appreciate very much. I don't think its a great piece - it not my "magnus opus" or anything. You are too kind really and shouldn't encourage me to waste my time writing piffle.
Coosh - if its not original, then its not through the influence of having read similar. I'm not familiar with the writers you mention coosh (I know of Moore from his political views, which I happen to empathise with). Theres no effort on my part to be original as such - I genuinely feel that the way supermarkets and food conglomerates manipulate our diet is scary. I tried to put this across in an amusing and thought provoking way. I wrote this some months ago and I still chuckle when I read it. Thats my only test for comedy. Does it amuse? I think to strive for originality for its own sake would be silly. If someone else happens to have done something similar, so what? Maybe it can be done better?
BBS - Grumpy old men indeed, what are you trying to say? What is there not to get? Its about the fast food culture - its not rocket science! Are you sure your only a "bottle" blonde? I still love you anyway.
Oli |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
| I just noticed the word "original" in the first three reviews (there was no suggestion on your part and you have no reason to defend yourself in that respect). Of course corporate manipulation/fast food culture is scary. I just felt this piece presented the debate at a stage in the past and that current information/investigation had led us on to another level in terms of awareness and critique.... you convey the ranting style entertainingly, but it didn't seem to go very far for me.... no, I ain't going to finish up by sayin' that I've spilt ketchup down my screen... but I have... |
McMuddle..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
I may be able to clear up one point of contretemps. My own comment on originality referred simply and solely to this site. I cannot speak for others. But I think it would be patently crackers to acclaim a piece to be in any way universally 'original ' beyond this sense. For what it is worth I stand by that judgement. I have not of late read anything quite so obviously 'blue sky ' on the Comedy Site. It doesn't mean it is intrinsically worthy. Or even funny. But it does mean it was noteworthy from that viewpoint. Which, unless my eyes deceive me, is what was said.
Slan! |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
| Apologies Gerard, Phil, givitsum, Talisker for any misunderstandings (or "McMuddles" as you put it so beautifully, Gerard).... it still didn't satisfy me, but then again, I'm still clawing my way up to grade 1 in this genre. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 6th September 2006 |
"its not rocket science!" We're obviously not talking about the lettuce here are we because it is quite easy to grow. Of course you are right I shouldn't bother my silly little head about such matters and leave these matters to the guys who understand it, strangely enough despite my obvious intellectual failings I manage to eat quite healthily despite the clever persuasion of the food giants, funny that
cheers
BBS (135 lbs) |
hm...
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 7th September 2006 |
I like a good rant from time to time and this didn't make me laugh out loud but it was certainly entertaining. Only trouble is the subject gets me wound up.
It is true yes that 'supermarkets and food conglomerates manipulate our diet'. What is scary is that we allow them.
Do we have no willpower? Whatever happened to 'our body is our temple' ? BBS has said it all above. I wouldn't put half that stuff in my mouth for a million.
I'll stop now or i'll need to be posting a reply!
Anyway well done T! Fun read. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
