MABLE: [HANDS ON HIPS] Come on, spit it oot. I can arluss tell when you’ve got summat on yer mind.

ADAM: Well I have pet, an’ it needs saying like, yer reet.

MABLE: Howay then, spit it oot man. Divven’t tell wo’; Yezv’e lost yer job? I knew it. I bloody knew it! Me mutha arluss said you’d amount to nowt an’ she wo’ reet. Why I married yez in the forst place I’ll never knaa. I could 'ave 'ad me choice of all o'bloody Tyneside me yer knaa. D'yer knaa, I torned doon Kenny Tonks for you. I must want wo' bloody' heed lookin' at..

ADAM: Howay man Mable man, I’ve not lost wo’ job. I’ve gorra job for life down them sewers man. I've qualifications 'n allsarts y' knaa..

MABLE: Well worrisit then? Divven’t tell wo' yez’ve been doon the bookies an’ lost all wo’ hoosekeepin’ on some nag!

ADAM: Well what it is pe... Hang on.. Kenny Tonks? He's aanly got one leg! Anyway, I divven't wanna talk aboot Kenny Tonks. The thing is yer see, I think I wanna divorce pet.

MABLE: A divorce? Yer wanna divorce do yez? I’ll give yer a bloody divorce!

ADAM: [SURPRISED LOOK] Well, I must admit pet, yer come roond t’ the idea a bit quicker than I anticipated like. I was expectin' a few tea-az an…

MABLE: OVER MY DEAD BODY!!

ADAM: Nah, I divvent want to wait that lang man! You can just bugger off and live wi’ yer sister or summat can’t yez?  Monique, the bird I’ve been seein’ needs a place to stay see, an' I think it might be a bit inapropriate if yer still here like pet. I think you'd like her. She works at the Sainsbury’s yer knaa. She gets a big discoont from the meat coonta’.  Here, she sent yer a bag o’ liver. [HANDS MABLE A PARCEL] Nice of her really, under the circumstances…

MABLE: Monique? Ahh. Some fluzy behind this little scheme is there? I might o’guessed. An' for yer info, Kenny Tonks might anly have one leg, but it's better than spending yer life leg-less which is yee tend t' dee!

ADAM: Er.. Excuse me, but I divvent like the way yer referrin’ to my fiancé. She’s no fluzy. In fact, she’s got a lot more deportment than yersel’ pet.

MABLE: Bloody hell! Deportment? Where did yer fin’ that word in that little brain o’yours? And how can yez manage to get yersel’ a fiancé? Yer still bloody married man!

ADAM: Aye, I knaa that. But I thought mebbez we could gan doon and see the solicita an’ get one o’them quickie divorces, like the’ dee on the telly an’ that yer knaa.

MABLE: On what groonds?

ADAM: Er.. I divvent knaa man, yer cookin’?

MABLE: An’ what’s wrang wi’ me cookin’ like? An’ how come this tart’s got more deportment than me? What’s so bloody good aboot ‘er?

ADAM: Well, er… she wears stiletto’s. And them black stockin’s an that. She arluss uses a plate for ‘er fish an’ chips. In fact, she usually pours her Newky Broon intae a glass before she sups it. An’ she trims the rind off ‘er bacon. Quite a few things really. I think she’s gorra bit o’ breedin’ yer knaa...

MABLE: Who’s put yez up to this Adam? Yez’re not clever enough to have done all this yersel’. Howay, lets have it oot. Who’s put this idea in yer thick ‘ead?

ADAM: Naebody pet, naebody. It’s just been building yer knaa, owwa a period o’time like. Aboot 15 yorrs or so to be reet. An' if yer think Kenny Tonks nevva sups, yer owt to 'ave seen him last Fiday neet, when I seen him honkin' 'is ring up ootside Athenaz!

MABLE: [GETTING A LITTLE MORE UPSET] Well how come yez aanly just mentioned it th’day? Wo’ thought we were ganning alang nicely yer knaa. Wo’ thought we had a good marriage? Alreet, it’s been a bit of an emotional rooala cooasta from time t’ time, but nowt we ain’t been able to put reet. I thought wo’ were happy…

ADAM: Did yez? [CHUCKLING] Eeeeh, bloody ‘ell. [NOTICES HER GETTING UPSET] Aww divven’t start crying Mable man. There’s nae need for that. I telled wor Billy yez’d turn the taps on, an’ I’m reet.

MABLE: Yez’ve been discussin' it wi’ wor Billy?

ADAM: Whay aye. He introduced us to Monique. She’s got lovely fingers yer knaa. I think she plays guitar. Or is it the banjo? I can’t remember. One o’them two.

MABLE: You’ve broke my ‘eart Adam Potts. Well, if it’s a divorce yer want, yer can ‘ave one. Let’s see how long yer last with yer bloody harlet. Yez’ll be beggin’ wo’ t’ come back within a month, I’ll bet yer a pound to a pinch o’ shit. An' just 'cos yer seen 'im spewin' up, don't mean it had to be from beer! He coulda 'ad a dodgy kebab or summat for all yee knaa!

ADAM: Oh aye!? Look, good on’yer fer takin’ it so well. I’ll admit, I were a bit worried yer might not be so accomodatin’ yer knaa. [PAUSE FOR THOUGHT] I was thinkin’ mebbez yer could leave this afternoon like, after yer’ve cleaned up from wo’ Sunday dinner. Yer need a hand gettin’ yer bags roond to your Vera’s d’ yer pet..?