1st draft MATES FOR LIFE
They mean well and they’re very kind, but it should be obvious what’s the matter with me, I’m frustrated. I want a Lady Budgie to bill and coo with. See it’s not easy masturbating when you’re a Budgie, the nearest I get is when they stick in a new spray of millet. And they watch! “Oh look” they’ll exclaim, “He’s playing one of his funny games”. No wonder I knock hell out of that bloody bell.
Now and again they let me out to have a “fly”. The times I’ve banged my head on windows and mirrors, why can’t they draw the curtains and cover the mirrors. And keep the cat out. Apparently the Cat and the last Budgie got on very well and they’d play together, then one day the Cat ate it. I’m very wary of the cat.
Their eldest girl is an Animal Rights Activist and she tried to set me free. But thank god her brother caught her, grabbed hold of me, put me back in my cage and then punched her lights out. He told me that the wild Birds would have killed me within minutes of me getting into the free world.
Apparently she’d liberated three of the four previous budgies and they’d all been killed. She loves animals so much, that she had them have the cat doctored, cos he would keep spraying up her bedroom wall. I hope that they never sniff the Millet or I’m for the chop.
It was the boy’s idea to get me a chum. So they got another Budgie, a bloke! We both eyed each other cautiously, he opened the conversation, “I was hoping that you’d be a girl Budgie, cos I’m not gay” I reassured him with my answer, “Well metaphorically speaking, I’m not even cheerful. Look why don’t we have a pretend fight, they’ll have to take you back to the shop.” So that’s what we did, we ended up with him laid out in the corner and me hanging me right wing like it was broken.
So I’m back on my own. If things weren’t bad enough I’m constantly badgered by stupid questions such as, “Who’s a pretty boy then? How should I know, I’m a Budgie! I was tempted to answer, “Well there’s that nice man from across the road, she seems quite keen on, she being the missus that is. They try to teach me silly rhymes such as, “Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled pepper etc.” But I’m not daft and I’ll say things like “Bollocks” and then they’ll start rowing about who taught the Budgie to say rude words.
I became so depressed that I got something wrong with me feathers, they started to fall out, so they took me to the vets. She knew a thing or two, she said, “He need’s a lady friend and as luck would have it, I’ve been asked to put down a beautiful hen Budgie, so why don’t you have her?”
They put the pair of us in a cage, she was gorgeous, I looked at her and asked, “Who’s a Pretty Boy then.” She’d answered, “You are big guy”
I’m a dark blue, but she’s a light subtle blue. She made herself all small and helpless. I don’t know why but I did a little dance and then stopped and lifted a wing. She scuttled into it’s cover and started to preen me. I nuzzled the back of her neck with my closed beak, when I get to a certain spot she shivered. She loved it. I couldn’t half give her one. Which I did, but that’s none of your business.
All I will say is Serendipity!
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Tweet treat.
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 6th September 2006 | Very enjoyable piece. Had me hooked from the off. (I think that budgie used to belong to me about thirty years ago - it's spot on.)
I don't know how you did this, but tweety boy came across with attitude, but loveably innocent too.
Great reading.
All the best
Phil. | Who's a funny boy, then
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 6th September 2006 | What a neat idea and so very funny. As Phil said you can't imagine a budgie with attitude.
Some priceless gags here. I've just been commenting that gags seem thin on the ground in some posts, and here I'm tripping over them A real joke packed piece with some laugh out loud moments- the idea of a vasectomy for a budgie and "How should I know, I’m a Budgie!" I could go on. Iknow it's a bit mean but I was saddened when he got his lady, I liked it better when he was grumpy; aren't I rotten!
Seriously, a really funny read with a clever ending
cheers
BBS | Hi Brian
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | | I really enjoyed this. You at your best - clever, funny, sexy. | great!
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | A very original idea. So sweet and fun, i loved it!
He was funny when he was grumpy, but i liked he got his lady, made for a storybook ending. Anyway as they say, a tiger never changes his spots. Should there be a sequel i suspect he wouldn't be so happy with his lady budgie!
A cartoon episode about the coolest budgie on the block.
Only thing i will say is it felt a little rushed to me, but i think it just ended too quickly, was enjoying it so much.
Great read, thanks.
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | Ah yes, a series of budgie monologues! Really enjoyed this, as BBS said, some great gags in here. Nice to read short story that doesn't make you want to go and eat your own arm as a less depressing activity. 
Great
Elli | Hi Phil
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | I went into recluse mode neither writing or reading very much apart from some re-cycled Cynic Sid nothing was posted.
Then this Budgie flashed into my head and the words just flowed out. It is very much a first draft but I might leave it as it is.
Thanks for your time and comments particularly as I owe many thank you reviews,
Brian | Hi BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | Re-Grumpy Boy some post coital thoughts are beginning to gel and there could be a mates for life Part 2.
I giving each reviewer a prsonal reply partly to show my gratitude and partly to join in the numbers game-but at least dont play "clickies",
Brian. | Hi Jean
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | "You at your best - clever, funny, sexy"
I made my wife read your review she said "She's obviously never met you!"
I'm really delighted that people have taken to it. I'm thinking of a re-write in Stand up Format. Imagine if you did allo the budgie movements, could be a hoot. (No that would be an Owl.)
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian. | Hi G21
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | "ended too quickly"
It was an impulse write, the words just flooded out onto the page. I could be disingenious and suggest I left them wanting more.
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian | Hi EP
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | Welcome to GW and thanks for your time and comments.
"a series of budgie monologues"
I'm considering a post "Honeymoon" Tale, loads of ideas are gelling.
Brian | Mates
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | Brilliant. Like, as I suspect, most men, I have neglected my meditations on budgerigar mating since reading Julian Rathbone call them "buggerijars".
Your delightful story has rekindled what had become a fading interest.
I just hope "Mates for Life" doesn't indicate the "Mates" available from certain machines?
A super read to lift more spirits than budgies.
Many thanks, Mike | Chirp...Chirp
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | Well Brian, that was terrific!
Got right into it when I found it was on budgies...Ever since I was 2 days old, I've had a budgie as a pet, and I often thought what was going through their minds...now I know.
The last budgie I had reminded me of the one in your story, he had such an attitude, and he sang Queen songs whenever they came on the radio...which was very uncanny, as we'd called him Freddie after Freddie Mercury. On the day, Freddie Mercury died, our budgie went into a deep sulk...It was really weird!! I'm sure there was a connection somewhere, plus I think he was gay!
Anyway, a fabulous story that brought back memories (millet manoeuvres in particular!!) I really, really loved it...
Well done Brian, star material!
best wishes
mish x | Hi Mike
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | "available from certain machines? "
Oh what a quandry, should I re-title it Bluey or perhaps go with the flow and call it "Chewy Bubblegum"?
Glad you liked it, cos I've grown very fond of it.
Brian | Hi MM
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th September 2006 | Thanks for your time and comments.
I read it tonight at my writers'/performers' group and it went down well.
I'm glad you found him Budgielike,
Brian | Ha ha..
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 8th September 2006 | Very clever. That's a good little idea there, and well executed too, in my opinion.
I can understand it when they fly into windows, but not mirrors. Surely they see their reflection hoving into view and think 'better dodge this lunatic'.
Cheers
Gvtsm | stand up
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 8th September 2006 | I'm intrigued to hear you might do this in stand up format . I can just see you in a big budgie suit and fake claws doing the patter I'd pay good money to see that. Looking forward to episode 2.
And thanks for your correction on my script .I've decided to re-write the whole thing
cheers
BBS | Hi GVS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 8th September 2006 | I'd become a bit of a recluse , rarely coming on site, and posting had benn limited to re-cycling some old Siddie numbers then Budgie popped up.
Eight positive responses is great and thank you for your time and comments.
Re-Mirrors all male birdswhen they see what looks like another male bird of their species, will either bugger off thinking, "He's 'n 'ard bugger and fly off or I'll 'ave that pratt and fly straight at it.
Budgies have very little weight and don't fly very fast so the impact force is not sufficient to break their neck unlike larger birds, who often do..
Brian | Hi BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 8th September 2006 | Re-tand-up, I'll just stick to the movements.
Glad to have been of help,
Brian. |
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