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Shorts
The 'haunted castle'
By Fledermaus
06 September 2006
I have to get more practice I think, but here's an attempt... I guess the end should improved, but hopefully you enjoy this little piece horror fiction. :)

Breeta's friends had a passion for witches, vampires and the like which she didn't quite understand. Charlotte had her room decorated with statues of winged dragons and Marcia had recently dyed her hair pitch black so it combined well with her gothic dresses.
Breeta preferred actors over dragons and bright colours over black, but it would be rather superficial if that kept her from being friends with them.

The only thing which slightly bothered her was that this sometimes meant she had to join their silly games, which were supposed to be mysterious or scary. She didn't want to disappoint them and was hard to say "no" to someone who is all excited at going to some 'haunted' castle. They claimed that it wouldn't be any fun without her, and they had realy been looking forward to it... She couldn't let them down.

So here they were at the gates of the 'haunted castle', which was neither a castle, nor haunted. In fact it was an old fortress at which Breeta used to be a tourist guide during the holidays. She knew nearly every corner of the building, including its 'secret' tunnels and dungeons, but she had never seen a ghost down there.
Breeta had to admit that the building looked a lot gloomier at night though. She had never seen it like this; A big black block of concrete against a starry sky, illuminated only by the torches at the front gate.

They showed their tickets to the masked executioner, who, with a silent gesture admitted them to enter. The corridor had been decorated with images of demons and scared faces and the further they went, the darker it became, until their were surrounded by a cold, pitch black atmosphere.

"Move on", a dark voice said, and so the did. Charlotte had grabbed Breeta's hand. Her fingers were cold and sweaty, but Breeta supposed it wasn't a very bad idea if they didn't want to become separated.

She felt something like a cobweb brushing her face and spit, as she thought it had touched her mouth.
" What is it?" Marcia asked, with a slight tremble in her voice.
" Cobwebs."
" I hate spiders."
" Why? They eat mosquitos. Nothing wrong with spiders."

The darkness made it difficult to guess how far they had advanced, and because all sorts of slimy objects seemed to have been attatched to the wall, Breeta preferred not to touch them. Yet, because she didn't want to trip over anything either, they had to walk slowly.

Someone touched Breeta's shoulder.
" Is that you Charlotte?"
" I didn't do anything."
" Whoever it was, please don't do it again. I nearly punched you."
" So you are scared after all Breeta?", a voice whispered. And this time it made her shiver.
" Who are you? How do you know my name? Did you girls tell them my name?"
" I didn't do anything, honestly. Did you tell them our names Marcia?"
" No. Ouch! Why do you stop?"
" Breeta stopped. Why did you stop Breeta?"
" I want to know how this bloke can know my name. Are you someone I know?"
" Which bloke?"
" Some guy who whispered in my ear. Didn't you hear it?"
" No. I didn't hear anything. Did you here anything Marsh?"
" No. Let's move on. I'm freaking out here."

They started walking again and gradually the corridor became lighter. Skelletons lined the walls and cobwebs were hanging from the ceiling. A strange fog covered the floor. Breeta recognized the place as the main corridor, leading to the staircase just around the corner. She half expected someone in a werewolf-costume to be waiting there in ambush. She gritted het teeth and slowed her step. They weren't going to scare her.
Carefully she approached the corner. Charlotte was still holding her hand. There was no sound other than that of their footsteps.

" Why are you slowing down?"
" Because if they want to scare us, this is the ideal place for it."

Four more steps, three, two, one...

Nothing. No ghost, no werewolf, no vampire, nothing!
Breeta laughed, but it was a nervous laugh rather than a relieved one. She turned around to reassure Charlotte and Marcia, but... They weren't there!

She looked at the hand she was holding and then tossed it into the corridor with a scream. It was just a hand, without any Charlotte attatched to it!

She hesitated, and then ran back. She had to find out how her friends could disappear this fast, and what this hand-thing was which she had thrown away. She searched the place where she thought it had landed, but the fog made it impossible to find anything.

She heard a scream, followed by footsteps approaching her from the direction of the entrance. If they were Charlotte and Marcia’s, she would call them every unpleasant name she could think of. Yes that had scared her, hah hah, very funny.

The footsteps became louder and some figures appeared from the darkness.

“Allright, you scared me. Happy now?” Breeta shouted, only to see the surprised faces of two teenage boys she had never seen before.

“ Did we scare you?”
“ No, no, sorry. I thought you were my friends. Did you perhaps see them? A blonde girl with an orange jacket, slightly taller than I am and a goth girl?”

“ Nope, sorry. I think we were the lasts in the row. They closed the gate behind us. If you’d like to you can join us. I guess your friends must have walked ahead. You can easily get separated in this darkness. We had that last year, hadn’t we, John?”

“ Yeah, that was fun.”

" But I was in front of them", Breeta said.
" Since we didn't meet them, they cannot be behind us. I'm pretty sure we must have bumped into them if they went back. They must have gone ahead of you somehow."
" Well, I have had enough of this 'haunted castle' stuff. I'm pretty sure they only wanted to play a prank on me."
" If you're chicken, you can always go back. Or you could come with us if you don't want to miss the fun."
" I guess I am chicken. Sorry guys. Enjoy the 'fun'."

She walked back through the dark corridor, all alone, and it seemed to take ages.

" Back again Breeta?"
It was that whisper again.
" Yes, I'm back and I don't want to play this game anymore, so you could just as well switch on the lights and show me who you are."

He laughed.
" Turn on the lights and let you go? This game doesn't work like that. I have been watching you ever since the summer holiday."
" Sorry?"
" You entered my castle and explored my secrets. Now it is time to explore yours."
" Get lost, creep."

She ran on towards the exit. The gate was closed, but the executioner was still standing there. Probably to let the 'chickens' out.

" Hi. Can you let me out? I got separated from my friends and I don't realy like this, oh and one of your collegues is a creep, and I don't mean a werewolf or a vampire", she said, as she reached the gate.
The executioner shook his head.
" There is no way out Breeta."
And she recognized his voice as the whisper from the dark...

Reviews
The cat's away...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 7th September 2006
Well Field Mouse; Doremouse, House Mouse. Whatever. This is a pleasant improvement on your last best seller. I liked it and hope others will likewise find it an enjoyable read. To be truthful this is not at all my kind of subject; but that is incidental and does not detract from what is in essence, in my opinion, a well written piece of prose.  
 
I won't patronise you with flattery, but I do deem it useful to say that notwithstanding one or two typos and a rather predictable content, there is the makings of a good story here. Youth market I would guess; but that's in no way a detraction. Only caveat: might benefit from developing a touch more originality. Vampires, werevolves...bit jaded. No matter. Well done. I'll have a screw of your other piece another time.
spooky
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 7th September 2006
I really liked this, but i am a sucker for a scary story. I really enjoyed the dialogue, it gave something a bit extra to the prose. I would perhaps have liked more on the descriptive side, as for a horror genre a vivid decription of a scene goes a long way, especially if you don't have a good imagination for this kind of stuff. 
I did feel like a story for younger children to me, probably because it was rather predictable, but i still loved it. 
The ending was great. 
 
Happy writing!

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 7th September 2006
Definitely a 'youth' story, but if that was what you were aiming for, all well and good. I enjoyed this on a youth level. As you said, the ending needs some work but a good tale. 
 
Phil.
:)
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 8th September 2006
Thanks everyone for reading and commenting. Glad you liked it. I realy had no idea whether it was good or bad. Escpecially since when writing it, I had no idea how to make it end. :?
Scary stuff
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 9th September 2006
I don't normally read horror stuff, but this one caught my eye, and I'm pleased that it did...It really had quite an atmosphere and had me spooked, and yes, although suitable for the teen market, had considerable mileage in other age groups too. 
 
Good dialogue flow really gave it presence and kept the story tight. 
 
Really good, well done 
 
With best wishes 
 
mish x

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 10th September 2006
Thank you :)

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