READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 890 guests online and 7 members online
Poetry
Star Child
By Star-Light
07 September 2006
Hi, I wrote this poem in 1999.  I believe we are all on a journey of self-discovery and it was whilst musing on this I wrote the poem.  I tried to put my feelings into words about who and what we are and where we came from.  Anyway I hope some of you will understand where I am coming from and I know many of you will think I must be on a different planet!, but hey, this is what creative writing is about isn't it?

I am a child of the stars,
the sunlight, air and mist,
there never was a time when I did not exist,
I've floated on the clouds and
tossed in salty waves,
I was an elemental being
before the birth of days,
a particle of the Universe,
a vibration of sound,
a ray of golden light and
the rich earth from the ground,
an echo in the mountains,
a tear of heaven's rain,
a flash of jagged lightning
that strikes upon the plain,
the colours in the sunrise
at the brilliance of dawn,
the tranquil velvet softness
of a baby fawn,
everything is living and we are all a part,
of the eternal beauty that begins within the heart.

Reviews
Not without merit...
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 7th September 2006
Not wishing to damn with faint praise, I liked the start of this, but feel that it gets lost somewhere near the end. The mysticality/spirituality doesn't put me off at all. You clearly have a talent and imagination. 
 
"of a baby fawn" just doesn't fit - and there's nothing "tranquil" about one either - they are all energy.  
 
For my tupppence worth, you should rewrite line three and the last four lines - you only have to look to see that they jut out (are too long), and lend an awkwardness to the poem. Otherwise, I for one await more posts with interest. Well done. 
 
Oli.
Star Child
Written by Star-Light (13 comments posted) 7th September 2006
Thank you for your valid comments I totally agree that I lost the flow on the last bit, and it needs a bit of trimming up. Thanks again, 
 
Kind regards, Starlight

Written by Phil (7008 comments posted) 7th September 2006
I often follow Talisker with reviews and find he's said much of what I want to say. Perhaps we have similar tastes. I do agree with much of what he's said, but not entirely for the same reasons. 
 
I hated the intro. I see red when anyone begins a sentence with, 'I believe WE are all.....' No-one can speak for everyone. Having read the intro I was ready to hate the poem too. However, I loved it. I loved the imagination and the rich descriptions. I loved its pulse - everthing; except the last three lines. As T says, they don't really fit. Worse than that though, they have that preachy feel again. 
 
The vast majority of this really struck a chord with me. I keep going back to read it and like it more each time. 
 
Sorry about the rant. 
 
Look forward to reading more, 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 8th September 2006
Well I'm afraid I have to be a sheep and agree mostly with the other reviewers. I also was a bit put off by the 'we are all on a journey of sef discovery' (I think I'm fine it's the rest of the world that needs to sort itself out :grin
And I think at the very least you need to split line 3 into and rewrite the last bit. As with Phil I think the only tranquil fawn is probably a dead one! That said you have a nice descriptive turn of phrase and I think there's a very good poem in here fighting to get out. 
 
Keep going with it 
 
Elli

Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 10th September 2006
Hello! 
I haven't read any of your work yet & I must say I will do now because I loved this poem! Its one that you could read several times and interpret a different meaning on each. 
It reminded me of the essential message that Philip Pullman puts across in his dark materials!  
well done 
 
Brook

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item