Hi, I wrote this poem in 1999. I believe we are all on a journey of self-discovery and it was whilst musing on this I wrote the poem. I tried to put my feelings into words about who and what we are and where we came from. Anyway I hope some of you will understand where I am coming from and I know many of you will think I must be on a different planet!, but hey, this is what creative writing is about isn't it?
I am a child of the stars,
the sunlight, air and mist,
there never was a time when I did not exist,
I've floated on the clouds and
tossed in salty waves,
I was an elemental being
before the birth of days,
a particle of the Universe,
a vibration of sound,
a ray of golden light and
the rich earth from the ground,
an echo in the mountains,
a tear of heaven's rain,
a flash of jagged lightning
that strikes upon the plain,
the colours in the sunrise
at the brilliance of dawn,
the tranquil velvet softness
of a baby fawn,
everything is living and we are all a part,
of the eternal beauty that begins within the heart.
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Not without merit... Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 7th September 2006 |
Not wishing to damn with faint praise, I liked the start of this, but feel that it gets lost somewhere near the end. The mysticality/spirituality doesn't put me off at all. You clearly have a talent and imagination. "of a baby fawn" just doesn't fit - and there's nothing "tranquil" about one either - they are all energy. For my tupppence worth, you should rewrite line three and the last four lines - you only have to look to see that they jut out (are too long), and lend an awkwardness to the poem. Otherwise, I for one await more posts with interest. Well done. Oli. |
Star Child Written by Star-Light (13 comments posted) 7th September 2006 |
Thank you for your valid comments I totally agree that I lost the flow on the last bit, and it needs a bit of trimming up. Thanks again, Kind regards, Starlight |
Written by Phil (7008 comments posted) 7th September 2006 |
I often follow Talisker with reviews and find he's said much of what I want to say. Perhaps we have similar tastes. I do agree with much of what he's said, but not entirely for the same reasons. I hated the intro. I see red when anyone begins a sentence with, 'I believe WE are all.....' No-one can speak for everyone. Having read the intro I was ready to hate the poem too. However, I loved it. I loved the imagination and the rich descriptions. I loved its pulse - everthing; except the last three lines. As T says, they don't really fit. Worse than that though, they have that preachy feel again. The vast majority of this really struck a chord with me. I keep going back to read it and like it more each time. Sorry about the rant. Look forward to reading more, Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 8th September 2006 |
Well I'm afraid I have to be a sheep and agree mostly with the other reviewers. I also was a bit put off by the 'we are all on a journey of sef discovery' (I think I'm fine it's the rest of the world that needs to sort itself out ) And I think at the very least you need to split line 3 into and rewrite the last bit. As with Phil I think the only tranquil fawn is probably a dead one! That said you have a nice descriptive turn of phrase and I think there's a very good poem in here fighting to get out. Keep going with it Elli |
Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
Hello! I haven't read any of your work yet & I must say I will do now because I loved this poem! Its one that you could read several times and interpret a different meaning on each. It reminded me of the essential message that Philip Pullman puts across in his dark materials! well done Brook |
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