BILLY IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH GARETH, HIS MATE (ALSO IN HIS 20'S)



GARETH: ..So anyways, he crossed it owwa, and wo' just went 'Bang!' reet in the top corna! Left foot an'arll yer knaa.. [SIMULATES WHAT HE DESCRIBES]

BILLY: Aye, soonds like a good 'un like.

GARETH: One o' me best evva that..

WAITRESS: What can I get for you laads?


BILLY: I'll try one o' them Cappucino's I think pet.

WAITRESS: [TO GARETH] Cappucino for you an'arll is it?

GARETH: No thanks pet, I'm not hungry. I'll just have one o' them frothy cofee's if yez dee 'em?

BILLY: Yer thick get! Whaddya think a Cappucino is like? It's not FOOD yer knaa!

GARETH: I thought it wo' one o'them Italian pastaz? Yer learn summat new everday. Quite a tasty lookin' bord that waitress y'knaa. Did yer see the bloose she was wearin' under that apron? Yer could see reet through it man Billy. Yer knaa, see the bra an' that. Phwooaar! [SHORT PAUSE] Looked like real polyester an'arll that man...

VERA: Give 'im another couple o'weeks Mable man, yer knaa he'll not survive lang withoot you there to dee everythin' for 'im.

MABLE: Aye, it's the principal though Vera pet. How would youz like it if your Norman hoyed y'oot the hoose an' dragged some slappa in?

VERA: Wor' Norman would never dee that Mable. He's a good, loyal blerk is wor' Norman. Show's wo' a lorra respect he does. I've nae worries in that department with wor' Norman. He knaa's wor'd chop his nuts off if he tried owt like that.

MABLE: Yer've gorra help wor' oot h'yor Vera. I'm ganna have t'dee summat to win 'is 'eart back. I played all tough when he first telled wor' aboot this Monique tart, but truth is I'm dead jealous. We've gorra think o'summat. Summat reet clever yer knaa, t' win back his affections like..

VERA: Whay aye. Shouldn't be tee difficult that man.

MABLE: I knaa! Ring 'im up an' tell 'im Kenny Tonks has invited wo' oot for a fancy dinna! Yer knaa, tell 'im he's takin' wo' to that new place in the precinct. What's it called? Ribs 'R' Us?

VERA: I think yer better off tryin' to get some sympathy, not jealousy. Yer divvent want to upset him by gannin' oot wi' somebody else.

MABLE: Alreet then clevva clogs. What's your idea?

VERA: I knaa! Let's gan roond and knock ten barrels worth oota the little slappa. In front of Adam! That might dee the trick eh?

GARETH: [LOOKS UP AND NOTICES A 747 FLYING OVERHEAD] Look at that, another plane full o'lucky sods buggerin' off on holiday away from this place.

BILLY: Aye, wonder where th' gannin? Could be Barbados yer knaa, or them Seychelles; or Benidorm even.

GARETH: Aye. Nae doobt somewhere warm 'n' sunny..

BILLY: It's amazing yer knaa. Yer look at that plane, and yer knaa it's deein' aboot 500 mile an hoor or summat, but from h'yor, it looks like it's aanly crawlin' dunnit?

GARETH: Nah man, it's probably hoverin'.

BILLY: Hoverin'? What yer talkin' aboot hoverin'? Planes divven't hovva!

GARETH: The dee! What it is see, if the tryin' t'come in to land, and... I divven't knaa, say the runway's busy or summat, what they'll dee is hovva till it's clear, an' then they'll gan in like that [IMITATES A PLANE SWOOPING DOWN WITH HIS HAND]

BILLY: Sometimes I think you're on drugs or summat me yer knaa. 'Ave you ever been on a real life plane? Yer knaa, one o'the big 'uns, like a jumbo jet?

GARETH: Nah man, nevva been ootside England me man.

BILLY: Well I 'ave, an' am tellin' yer, at nae point in that flight did the captain come owwa the radio thing an' say [NIPS HIS NOSE] "Ladies and Gents, this is yer cap'n speakin' and we're currently hoverin' at aboot twenty thoosan' feet". [SHAKES HIS HEAD] Yer daft get!

GARETH: Oh aye? Listen t' Mr. Glerbal Traveller here!

BILLY: Hey! Did yer hear wo' dads gannin' oot wi' Monique?

GARETH: Aye, so yer said. Crafty ol' bugga! She's alreet her y'knaa, I've always had a bit o'summat fer an erlder woman me like.

BILLY: Oh aye? Why's that like?

GARETH: I divven't knaa really. What's yer dad reckon to 'er then? They gannin' on alreet are they?

BILLY: Seems so aye. She's a decent boiler be all accoonts. A step up from me mutha anyways. Bit rough her y'knaa. Shaves twice a week! Piss poor wife she is, piss poor. The ol' man's well shot I reckon. Can dee a lot better wi' that Monique.

GARETH: Aye, she's a bit of an ol' trout yer mam eh?

BILLY: Oi! Watch yer gob you! That's my mutha you're talkin' aboot!

MABLE: Yer knaa, I was wonderin' if I pretended to have some sort of terminal illness whether that might melt his 'eart an' bring him rushin' to wo' side?

VERA: That's a good idea man! Depends how terminal like. What yer got in mind?

MABLE: Mebbez a could pretend tee have some kinda strerk yer knaa. Or an 'eart-attack? Aye, yer could ring 'im an' tell him I've had an 'eart-attack an' I might ganna dee, an' need 'im by me bedside to support wo'..

VERA: But divven't yer have t'gan tee 'ospital if yer 'ave an 'eart-attack though but?

MABLE: I divvent knaa to be honest, I've nevva had one I divven't think...

ADAM: Yer ordered well pet. Yer knaa yer way roond that Star O' Bengal menu I'll say that fo' yer.

MONIQUE: Ahh, thanks pet. You certainly knaa how t'make a woman feel appreciated Adam Potts..

ADAM: Well, I think it's aanly reet pet. I arlus tried to make a point of complimentin' wor Mable yer knaa. A little appreciation gan's a lang way. Thing is that fat bugga nevva appreciated wo' appreciation. I remember when she put them shelves up in the garage yer knaa, I telled her she'd done a good job, just they were a bit wonky. An' yer knaa what she said t' me? She said "well if I'd left it t' yous they'd 'ave nevva got put up". That's the thanks yer get eh? I'm the one that had to drive all the way doon to B&Q to buy the buggaz!

MONIQUE: Eeeh, I divven't knaa how yer put up with it all these yorrs. Yer deserve a lot betta than that Adam. I think yer deserve a bit pamperin' mesel'. Howay, gan put yer feet up pet and watch Ant 'n' Dec. I'll clear all this crap away an' we can 'ave a reet nice cuddle on the sofa after I've had a fag. Where's your Mable keep her rubba gloves?

ADAM: Helloo..

VERA: [ANXIOUS VOICE] Adam, it's Vera.

ADAM: Oh, helloo pet..

VERA: Listen, it's wor' Mable. She's had some sort o' fatal 'eart attack or summat...

ADAM: Bloody 'ell! It's not serious is it? Is she alreet?

VERA: Well she wo' bad for a while, but I've managed to get 'er settled doon, yer knaa. She's laid on the sofa with her pipe an' a bottle o' stout, but I think if you came roond it might help 'er like. She's been asking fo' yer.

ADAM: It's a bit inappropriate just noo pet. Ant 'n' Dec's aboot t' start  on telly. Can it wait till morning? I'll bring her some of her favourite 'bacca an' flooaz an that, yer knaa, to cheer her up.

VERA: Is it that time already? I forgot all aboot it. Alreet then, I'll tell her yer comin' roond tomorra. See yer in th' mornin'...

ADAM: Tara pet. [REPLACES RECEIVER]

MONIQUE: Who was that luv?

ADAM: It's nowt pet. Wor' Mable's just had a fatal heart attack by all accoonts. I'll nip roond an' see 'er in t' mornin'. She'll be alreet, tough as ol' boots is wor' Mable. Reet, where's that bloody remert contrerl..?