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By no1butClo
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08 September 2006 |
i hope there's something there! i'm still working on it but this is take two... [sorry if you don't like the completely mood change] I can't write a lovesong
not to you.
I can't call on the services
of heartstring chords and haunting melodies
to mirror the beauty of a love so sad,
when its tears have long fallen,
bitter and
unforgiving;
cellos won't weep for me
to this tune of dying affection. They
pine for something truer, more
wholesome in its unhappiness.
The guitar will not conform.
As I ask for a simpler sequence - powerchords
perhaps - it barks back with diminished sevenths,
then screeches into a rant in the locrian mode,
never to sing again.
Frustrated, I turn to the drum.
This simple time-keeper takes one look
and a rhythm, steady as my
gaze as I spin these lies, starts to
encircle my mind in a march;
love you, I don't, love you, I don't
I can't write you a lovesong. |
You probably could write a lovesong...
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 8th September 2006 | But you have difficulty writing a poem. To me this is a bit "wishy washy" - the poetical equivalent of weak tea. Bland, unsatisfying.
Christ, I'm getting up myself with these reviews!
Allergy Advice
This product was produced on a site which also contains poetry.
Sorry,
Oli |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 8th September 2006 | Having a bad day Oli? 
I do agree in as much as I think this is a little bland. possibly because your stuff is noramlly so intense that i was expecting to get knocked off my feet and didn't.
I like the line : 'a shiver, a whisper, a warmth in the feet' very much though so maybe there is something in there somewhere. I quite like th last line too.
Elli |
Written by Phil (7008 comments posted) 9th September 2006 | I too liked: 'a shiver, a whisper, a warmth in the feet.' It was one place in the poem where I could feel the pulse. Much of the rest read very much like prose, even though I tried a few times. I know what you mean when you say there's something in there somewhere. It's a bit like saying, 'I love you,' for the hundredth time to someone. You mean it just as deeply, but it doesn't have that special sound anymore. Perhaps that's what you were trying to get across.
Phil. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 9th September 2006 | | I concour with Elli and Phil. I know what you were trying to say and there was feeling behind it but it read a little too like prose, so lost a bit of its intensity. Take the good bits and try again. Definately keep the last line and whats been said above. There is good stuff here! |
Written by shadowplay (41 comments posted) 10th September 2006 | I really wanted to come on here and say 'Hey, you're right. You can't write a lovesong. It's shit' because that's the sort of mood I'm in right now.
However, the above isn't true. | Wonderful
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 11th September 2006 | Not sure why everyone thought this was bland, as I thought it was impassioned.
You encapsulated feelings and emotions very well. I love complexity in poems, and perhaps, this is why I enjoyed your piece so much...
It is really very, very good. Well done!
With best wishes
mish x |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 11th September 2006 | What a rewrite! Much better the second time around, you've recaptured the intensity that normally defines your work. Beautifully sorrowful.
Well done
Elli |
Written by andybyers (181 comments posted) 14th March 2008 | I'm coming at this one fresh... never saw what you had before.
I very much like the first few stanzas. They're impressive and meaningful, lyric and they take flight all on their own. For me, though, it kind of bogs down with the guitar and drum stanzas. They read more like someone trying to demonstrate a knowledge of musical esoterica rather than to share a feeling. What I mean is, they don't stir the soul in the way the rest does. The way the simply-stated cello stanza does. Would you consider cutting those two stanzas and keeping the rest and reading it over? I think it would flow nicely and you wouldn't experience that sudden plunge from the heights in the middle. |
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