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Extended Work
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| Confessions of a site secretary - Part 8(b) | |
| By teddy | ||||||||
| 08 September 2006 | ||||||||
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‘Hi, Adi. You’re looking well.’ an impeccably dressed George greeted me later that afternoon outside the site reception. ‘Thanks, George. How are you?’ I smiled. I felt a bit awkward seeing him again. I wondered how much he knew about what happened between Paul and I after he delivered the ‘good’ news about Mark. ‘Most probably everything.’ I thought. ‘He must think I’m a right tart.’ ‘I’m fine, thank you. Would you like to go for a quick drink to the pub over there so we can sit down and talk?’ he asked pointing to the crime scene of the night before. ‘Hmmm, no, not really.’ I thought recollecting the unfortunate events that almost got me the sack that day. ‘There’s a Starbucks just around the corner, perhaps we could try that?’ I suggested politely. ‘Sure.’ George agreed. ‘How’s the new site?’ he asked as we walked towards the coffee shop. ‘Hmmm, rather entertaining I would say.’ my mind jested with the answer picturing Harry and Mark in the pub the previous night. ‘It’s ok I suppose. Very different from the Beaurex one.’ the mouth let slip out instead. . I was dying to ask about Paul, just to make sure that he was alright. Given the circumstances though, I decided I should rather not, I thought it might sound a bit hypocritical. ‘Coffee?’ George asked once seated inside the Starbucks. ‘Yes, please. Decaff.’ ‘Ok.’ he said, smiling a ‘very health conscious, aren’t we?’ Well, I’m trying to. I still feel guilty for smoking and drinking in the first few weeks when I wasn’t obviously aware that I was pregnant. Alcohol and cigarettes are gone for good now. I’m also trying to cut down on swearing. I wouldn’t really want my baby’s first word to be a f'ing one, would I? With Mark not being around anymore, it shouldn’t really be too difficult to reduce the f’ing and blinding. It would help even more if I didn’t have to work with the likes of Harry and Shelley. But, what the heck, life’s not always perfect, is it? ‘Adi, I saw Mark Taylor two days ago.’ George started after the coffee was set in front of us on the table. Now, I didn’t know what to do: pretend that I wasn’t aware why he was there or tell him that I knew already. ‘I know. Mark told me.’ I decided to come clean. What was the point in lying anyway? ‘Oh, did he?’ he seemed surprised. I bet he thought I’m still seeing Mark. Did I really care? ‘Course I did. ‘Well, he rang me.’ I changed my mind and went only half way with the truth. There was no need for George to know what happened the night before. ‘Is it true then? That you’re pregnant? With Paul’s child.’ he asked. ‘You know that already.’ I nodded an anxious confirmation. ‘Does Paul know, Adi?’ he questioned me further. ‘Unless you told him, no, he doesn’t.’ I kind of looked at him. ‘Adi, I know it’s not my business…’ Yeah, you’re absolutely right here, George, this has nothing to do with you. If it was anyone else, I would definitely tell them to bugger off. But with George I can’t do that. ‘Cos he’s such a decent guy. I’ve always liked him. And he’s been always nice to me. As I said, I can’t even hold the fact that he told Paul about my ‘escapade’ with Mark against him. I would’ve been very surprised if he hadn’t actually. At the end of the day Paul was his best mate. ‘…but, don’t you think he deserves to know?’ Déjà vu, haven’t I heard that somewhere else before? Tina’s been on my case ever since she found out that I’m keeping the baby without telling Paul. ‘You can’t do that, Adi. The guy has a right to know, for heaven’s sake. You cannot have someone’s child without telling them, it’s unethical.’ ‘Watch me.’ my face refuted her words. How about my rights, eh? It’s strange how everyone seems to care a lot about Paul but no one gives a damn about how I feel. Well, Mark does. He thinks it’s extremely unfair for me to struggle with bringing up a kid on my own especially when the father’s loaded. But, even so, the end result is the same: I must tell Paul. Only that I don’t want to. I threw a quick worried look at George. ‘I know I should tell him. But I’m too scared of how Paul will react.’ was all I could say. Well, that was the truth. ‘He’ll never agree to have this child.’ ‘Adi, I’ve known Paul for a very long time. He’s a very fair man and, trust me, he would never force you to do anything against your will. He’ll support you whatever you’ll decide to do. Please, do tell him. ‘ ‘I’m sorry, George, I can’t.’ It’s not only the fact that I’m terrified of what his response might be but, after what happened between us, I don’t think I could ever face Paul again; it would be so embarrassing. ‘I can understand your concerns, Adi. But there are so many other issues you have to take in consideration.’ George calmly tried to persuade me. ‘How are you going to cope after the baby will be born?’ What does he know? I’m very determined to work hard, even harder if necessary. And I’ve already started saving up. Plus, I’m sure Tina and Craig would help. ‘I’ll manage.’ I said. ‘Yes, but don’t you think it would be unfair to deprive the child of something that they’re entitled to?’ I looked at him annoyed. I don’t come from a privileged background. My parents always had to work hard to raise us up. Still, we had a very happy childhood even though they’d never had enough money to spoil us. ‘Further more, ‘ George carried on, ‘at some point, the child would want to know who their father is. And you’d have to tell them. How do you think Paul would feel finding out years later that he has a child he didn’t know about? He would never forgive you.’ ‘He hates me anyway so it wouldn’t make much difference.’ my mind tried to stick to my initial decision. The truth is that I asked myself these questions many times. It’s true, I couldn’t find any straight answers for them. So I pushed them somewhere at the back of my mind. ‘I deal with all this later when it comes to it.’ I’ve always said. Now George was there to remind me that things weren’t really that simple. ‘How come you haven’t told him yet?’ I asked trying to gain more time before giving him an answer. ‘I don’t think Paul would appreciate the news coming from anyone else other than you. There’s also something else: Paul and I don’t speak anymore. Well, we do but only when it’s work related.’ ‘Pardon?’ I stared at him in shock. ‘I’ll be leaving the company very soon actually.’ he carried on. ‘But why? I can’t understand, you’ve been close friends for so many years.’ ‘It’s delicate.’ George uncomfortably smiled. ‘I hope you’re not going to get upset.’ ‘Is it something to do with me?’ I froze with worry. ‘Paul could never forgive me for not telling him about your affair with Mark sooner. I only did it when I found out that he wanted to marry you. You have to understand me, Adi, I just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t making a mistake.’ he looked at me apologetically. Oh God, how much more harm could I do to people around me? Not only that I despicably deceived and badly hurt Paul but I also managed to destroy his strong long-term friendship with George. How could I possibly live with myself after that? ‘I’m so so sorry.’ my eyes watched him horrified. I think he kind of guessed what was going through my mind by the anguish written all over my face. ‘Listen, Adi,’ he said taking my hands into his, ‘don’t blame yourself. This is between Paul and me. I should be the one to feel guilty. I should’ve never got involved. Then perhaps things wouldn’t have come to this.’ Why did he have to be so selfless? It made me feel even worse. ‘George,’ I made up my mind, ’I’ll talk to Paul.’ ‘Are you sure?’ he looked at me surprised by the sudden change. ‘Yes. You’re right, he deserves to know.’ ‘You’re doing the right thing, Adi. And thanks for agreeing to see me tonight. I didn’t think you would.’ he gratefully smiled. ‘Perhaps we can keep in touch, just to let me know how things go.’ ‘Of course.’ I agreed. I got home that night with a heavy heart and a terrible headache. I had to find a way of talking to Paul face to face. I was afraid that, if I rang him and asked to meet up, he might refuse. ‘Perhaps he won’t even want to talk to me.’ I knew it sounded crazy but I decided just to go and see him without notice. ‘Then he would have no choice.’ ‘Where are you going?’ Tina stopped me last night while I was trying to sneak out through the open door. ‘I’m off to see Paul. I decided to tell him about the baby.’ ‘Oh ok, well done.’ she seemed pleasantly surprised. ‘When did you talk to him then?’ ‘I didn’t.’ I said. ‘Hold on, I don’t get it. I thought you’re going to see him tonight.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘So what, you’re just gonna turn up on his door step and announce him that you’re pregnant.’ ‘Yeah, something like that.’ ‘You’re mad, you can’t do that. Ring him up first and ask him to see you.’ ‘Oh yeah, and what if he doesn’t want to? What if he says no? What am I going to do then? Try to drop the bomb just before he manages to put the phone down on me? “Oh, by the way, I’m having your baby.” ‘ ‘Don’t do it, Adi. Don’t rush things.’ ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.’ I dashed through the door. ‘Call me when you get there just to let me know that you’re alright.’ I heard her shouting behind me. ‘Yeah, whatever.’ I muttered. ‘What is wrong with these people,’ I wondered, ‘one minute they lecture you about not doing the right thing, the next one they give you a bollocking for actually trying to do it.’ On the way to Chelsea, I was unwillingly picturing dozen of scenarios in my head. I knock and Paul answers the door. He is surprised to see me there. ‘Hi, Paul. I need to talk to you.’ I say. ‘Ok, you’ve got two minutes.’ the gentleman in him agrees. ‘I’m pregnant.’ I spill it out. He doesn’t seem impressed, just throws me a cold look. ‘Congratulations.’ ‘It’s yours, Paul.’ ‘You sure it’s not Mark’s?’ ‘Mark can’t have anymore kids.’ I try to convince him. ‘That doesn’t tell me anything. How could I know that there hasn’t been anyone else?’ I can’t even get offended at this point. ‘Cos he’s got all the reasons in the world to be doubtful. I cheated on him, I’ve got no excuse. When I got off the train I felt almost like jumping on the next one back. ‘Stick with the plan, girl. It’s now or never.’ I forced myself towards the exit. I arrived in front of his house with a shivering heart and trembling legs. Just the thought of seeing Paul again was sticking tingling needles in my stomach. I took a deep breath and knocked. There was no answer. I tried again, harder this time. Still nothing. He wasn’t there. The light in the hallway was on but I remembered that Mary always used to leave it like that. ‘Ok, no problems, I’ll wait.’ I was determined to accomplish my mission. Just to keep everyone else happy. The cloudy sky above started drizzling a light cold rain. I sought shelter underneath the thin roof of the bus stop across the road. There weren’t many cars or people passing by, that area is, indeed, very quiet. ‘I’ll stay another five minutes.’ I decided after the first five passed. Half an hour later I finally noticed the headlights of a car approaching. A cab stopped in front of Paul’s house. I saw him getting out. ‘Paul.’ I jumped off the narrow red bench. My heart shrunk as I stepped forward. I was just about to move even further when I noticed him helping someone else getting out of the car. It was a woman, I couldn’t see much of her, but her silhouette appeared tall and elegant. I stepped back into the shadow offered by the bus shelter. And then I just stood there, unable to make another move, and watched. They walked in and the living room’s light went on. I could see the woman wrapping her arms around Paul’s neck just before he managed to shut the curtains. Few minutes later another set of lights were switched on. In his bedroom. The sore pressure building up in my chest made me gasp. At first there were just two tiny droplets, one in the corner of each eye. I squeezed my eyes really tight trying to stop them rolling down. But they didn’t obey and escaped through the eyelashes. And then many others, which were waiting in the queue, followed, leaving wet cold marks on my cheeks. Few seconds later, I was sobbing my heart out. ‘Now you know how it feels.’ an awkward thought sneered at me. I must say, it really, really hurt. ‘Com’on, Baby,’ I put a hand on my tummy, ‘let’s go home. Daddy’s busy.’
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