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The long and short of it!

By Storywriter1987

08 September 2006

This is a new one i started today, tell me your honest opinions and if you would like the next bit.

“Oh God! Not again!” “Listen I can’t do anything about it, it’s you that got me into this mess and if you didn’t want it to end up like this then you should have kept a low interest!” “That’s not funny Lucy!” “I never said it was Mark! How do you think I feel? It’s me that has to go through it all again!”

He didn’t have an answer for me this time and instead he got up and went into the kitchen and made himself busy in there, I went in and tried to talk to him but he left the house and went to for a swim in our pool. Thank god Emma wasn’t here to see this! I wouldn’t know what to do! She, bless her heart, wouldn’t know where to put herself!

Let me explain. My name is Lucy and the huffy one taking a swim is my husband Mark, We have been married for just about a year now and we already have 1 child. A little girl called Emma. She’s 3 now. WE met about 7 years ago and we were nothing but friends but then one VERY drunk night changed all that as 3 weeks later my period never turned up and I discovered I was pregnant! I was the drunk one! Don’t’ get me wrong, he didn’t take advantage of me! I wanted it to happen! Dear God did I want it to happen!

Emma had been born and when she was 1 and a half he took me out for a romantic meal and then, right there on the London eye, looking out over a romantically lit London, and the glistening river Thames he whispered ‘I love you’ and then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, and I said yes because, well as he said, I have finally realised what I want in my life and what I want is you! And seeing as Emma was ours it was even better ads we could be a family! And now I’m pregnant again!

When I was 7 months pregnant with Emma I left my job as a banker…. Hence the low interest!... And the labour was hell! She was a large baby and got stuck half way out! Lovely! They had to use forceps in the end and then when she was placed in Marks arms she promptly, after her feed, threw up all over him. He went off on one then. But since Emma’s first word was ‘dada’ he forgave her all the past muck ups and we then started teaching her words and now she was getting really good at it! Bless her!

Anyway, as you may be able to guess, I’ve just told Mark I’m pregnant again. He hates the idea now… as you might also be able to tell... But when this baby is born, he won’t let it out of his sight! It’s just the idea of all those stinky nappies and unexpected sick that make him mad! It was the same with me carrying Emma…..I remember it well...

“You’re What! Really!” “I can’t be a dad!” “You’ve got to be joking!” “I’m only a kid myself!” “Are you sure your period is late can’t you have had it and not noticed!”

Men! They can say the most stupidest things sometimes! But god knows whatever we go through, me or him, we will ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS go through I together! After all we’ve been together so long and we might say we hate each others guts and have the occasional argument, like now, but in the end we always make up and we know how much we care for each other! I know he’ll never hit me! And Ill never make him do anything he doesn’t want to. He can be a right …… idiot… sometimes but he’s the man I’ve loved for 9 years, been with for 7 and married to for 1 year and 3 months 4 weeks and 2 days! Oh oh! He’s coming back, I’ll talk to you later tell you how it got on!

See ya!

Reviews

Great start, Clare!
Written by LynB (433 comments posted) 8th September 2006

I was wondering when I was going to see some more of your work pop up on here! This is a great first chapter! The characters' personalities are beginning to show through already, and I agree with you about men saying stupid things! Very descriptive writing - look forward to the next chapter! :grin

Written by Storywriter1987 (91 comments posted) 8th September 2006

Glad you like it Lyn!

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 9th September 2006

great! Something a bit different. I sort of feel like this is a prologue and you might be going back in time with this one to show us more about their relationship and what they were like before everything got so difficult. I'd like to know how they were before.
I liked the feeling of being spoken to, gives the characters a chance to be very open and honest.
Yes men do say silly things but not 'stupidist' hehe.
More please!

Written by Storywriter1987 (91 comments posted) 9th September 2006

Thanks!

I'm working on more at the moment so i hope to have some more up either tonight or tomorrow!

I promise!

Written by Brio (13 comments posted) 10th November 2006

This seems like a diary entry kinda thing, and I quite like the "feel" of being spoken to.

However, there are a few of issues I have with this... I am hating the fact that almost every sentence ends in an exclaimation mark. Now it might be just me but I don't think it's necessary that frequently. Gives the feel of desperation to me, like you're saying 'hey this might not be that great but there's loads to shout about so it must be good."
I guess my second gripe is related to the first in a way - meaning there are other forms of punctuation there to be used; commas, full stops, semi colons, etc. Checking what can be used where is always a good idea, and where a 'proof reader' can come in useful.
Last gripe, line breaks. Your paragraphing is fine, but after each person speaks, there should be a line break (at least, that's what I was taught), so “

Oh God! Not again!” “Listen I can’t do anything about it, it’s you that got me into this mess and if you didn’t want it to end up like this then you should have kept a low interest!” “That’s not funny Lucy!” “I never said it was Mark! How do you think I feel? It’s me that has to go through it all again!”

becomes

“Oh God! Not again!”
“Listen I can’t do anything about it, it’s you that got me into this mess and if you didn’t want it to end up like this then you should have kept a low interest!”
“That’s not funny Lucy!”
“I never said it was Mark! How do you think I feel? It’s me that has to go through it all again!”

Makes it flow better, and it's much easier to keep track of who said what.

I'm looking forward to reading the next part and seeing where it takes us, as for me, although the initial outlay seems to hook the reader in,, there's no imagery for me so it's not memorable at all.

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