Contribution to September Lazy Writers.
Very unsure about this. I feel I may be well off the mark. I was even unsure which forum to post it in.
A Chance Encounter
or
Why?
Imagine:
Silence in the aftermath.
Dark,
Black.
Shapes float
And hover.
Imagine:
Grey wisps
Like smoke,
Pulling together
To make a form.
The form speaks:
Her:
Hello?
Hello?
Anybody there?
No answer.
Hello?
Louder.
Hello?
Anybody there?
Imagine:
A second form.
Hello?
Who’s there?
Imagine:
The forms drift together,
Touch.
One form retreats
As if burned.
Recognition.
It’s you.
The second form replies.
Him:
Yes, it’s me.
Her:
And now we’re here.
You stole my life.
You stole all those people’s lives.
Him:
I know.
Her:
You strapped a bomb to your back and killed me.
Him:
I know.
Her:
You don’t even know me.
I don’t know you.
You didn’t know any of those people.
None of them knew you.
Him:
I know.
Her:
Why choose that train?
Why then?
Why not another?
Why now?
Him:
It just was.
Her:
I was late.
I shouldn’t have even been there.
I’d missed my usual bus.
I shouldn’t be here.
Him:
But you are.
Her:
But I’ve done nothing.
I’ve not flown planes,
Dropped bombs.
Nothing.
I didn’t even want a war.
I don’t deserve this.
Him:
I know.
Her:
You murdered us all.
You killed yourself.
Him:
I know.
Her:
Why?
Why did you do it?
In the dark,
Underground,
All those people.
Why?
Him:
I don’t…I don’t….
Imagine:
The first form
Flows back
Inside the carriage
And finds its resting place.
The second
Crumples,
Pulsates,
Is gone.
Fade to complete black.
Except:
A moving light.
Closer.
A man:
Hard hat,
Fluorescent jacket.
The curves of the tunnel
Begin to shape.
He’s running.
The light’s bobbing.
He closes in
And slows,
Stops.
He speaks.
A small voice,
Despairing.
Man:
Oh god.
Why?
|
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 9th September 2006 |
This is excellent, i love this piece.
I'm assuming this is about the London bombings - a horrific incident, that nobody can really come to terms with and you've put across that distress and confusion in a really creative way.
Profound and with an original form that works fantastically.
Very well written.
E xxx |
Great writing
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 9th September 2006 |
| This is a very delicate, yet very powerful, moving and thought provoking piece. You keep it very human and don't clutter it with ideology. Very clever. Thank you for posting. Leo |
Highly original.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th September 2006 |
Well done, Phil.
This sort of thing is not easy to pull off; but I thought you did it with a certain aplomb. Your best piece by far in my opinion and certainly the most original on this site for a good few weeks. I would be interested to know what you intend doing with this.
Slan |
But where are they?
Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
Much said in few words. I liked the dialogue better than the poetic lines in italics, but that may well be a matter of personal taste.
Especially the man, with his short answers, not realy saying anything until the end, is well written. He says so little, but as a reader one can feel how he is beginning to doubt, eventhough he tries to mask it with his stubbornness.
Very clever, how you used so few, and such, by themselves rather meaningless phrases, to tell so much. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
Creative and thought provoking indeed! This was great, something really different.
I don't know if it is what you intended but i felt the man shouldn't have said much because then we may have begun to conect and identify with him. He should be seen as a barely there, he shouldn't be given importance. I liked how you made him begin to doubt however, towards the end it was fitting. Gave a sense of, i want to say relief? I don't know alot could be said about this.
Intriguing.
Well done. |
thank you.....
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
...for your lazy writers contribution!!
A very unique piece of writing I really enjoyed reading this. I especially liked the fact that you weren't giving too much away and allow the reader to interpret the finer details. The italics at the beginning really drew me into the 'story' as I wanted to know what was happening - you very cleverly used the word 'aftermath' at the start of the story which completely grabbed my attention.
Excellent!
Brook |
Thanks
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
Thanks for all your comments. I'm quite relieved with this one, as I knew what I wanted to achieve, but didn't know if anyone else would.
Thanks again,
Phil. |
Really Fabulous
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
Phil, I just loved this truly excellent, original, powerful piece. I like GC would like to know where this is destined...You SHOULD DO something with it. It is brilliant and deserves a much wider audience than GW.
Really, really very well done.
With best wishes
mish x |
Excellent
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 10th September 2006 |
Minimimalism at its vey best,
Brian |
Written by MikeMorris (106 comments posted) 11th September 2006 |
Excellent, in my opinion.Especially so at this time of year.
I wouldn't have known how to frame this or express the thoughts this piece embodies.
Many thanks, Mike |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 11th September 2006 |
It's all been said so I won't risk repetition but I just wanted I really liked it. It's great to read something that is so arresting and original
cheers
BBS |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th September 2006 |
Ditto, made me feel like i actually was inside a tunnel. beautiful piece of minimalist writing.
Wel done
Elli |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 11th September 2006 |
Thank you for taking the time everyone. I'm a bit taken aback - but pleased by the positive response.
Phil. |
All been said...
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
just got round to reading this piece Phil. Not a lot more I can add to what has already been said - very compelling and original. Excellent bit of writing.
happy writing
woody |
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