Cast List
Prologue and
Scene 1

A MATTER OF RELATIONS-ONE ACT PLAY BY BRIAN NEAL.

CAST    
1)NARRATOR   2)MOTHER   3)FATHER  4)NIGEL-ELDEST CHILD  5)ARWEN-NIGEL'S ERSTWHILE MISTRESS    6)GEORGINA-MIDDLE CHILD 7)GERALD-YOUNGESTCHILD  7)MR NEW +8)MRS NEW-PURCHASERS OF THE FAMILY HOME.

SCENES
PROLOGUE- 2, 3
SCENE 1-IN AND AROUND THE HOUSE-1, 4, 2, 5, 3
SCENE 2-BIRTH AND DEATH 1, 4, 3, 7, 2, 6
SCENE 3-(THE CHILD IS) FATHER OF THE MAN/MOTHER OF THE   DAUGHTER 1, 2, 6, 4
SCENE 4-"BACKSTAGE-BEFORE AND AFTER THE SHOW" 1, 4, 7, 5
SCENE 5-AT ARWEN'S HOUSE 1, 5, 4

INTERLUDE  2, 3 

         
SCENE 6 LOSING 1, 4, 5,
SCENE 7-THEN WINNING 1, 6, 7, 4
SCENE 8-COMINGS AND GOINGS 1, 4, 5, 2, (7), (6)
SCENE 9-TWO SISTERS 1, 5, 6
SCENE 10-ON THE STREET WHERE I'VE LIVED. 1, 4, 5
EPILOGUE 2, 3

PROLOGUE

MOTHER+ FATHER (They speak alternate lines. Either can start.)

Though I am dead, grieve not for me with tears,

Think not of death with sorrowing and fears,

I am so near that every tear you shed

Touches and Tortures me, though you think me dead

But when you laugh and sing in glad delight

My soul is lifted upward to the Light

Laugh and be glad, for all that life is giving.

BOTH- And we though dead, will share your joy in Living.

SCENE 1-IN AND AROUND THE HOUSE
NARRATOR-It's a funny thing a family home.  For part of your life it is the very bedrock of your existence. Then, for the larger part, it is no more than a museum full of bitter/sweet curios, which you visit through a sense of duty, or in moments of stress, for refuge.

A middle aged nondescript man drives up to his family home and parks outside. He gets out, removes a briefcase from the back seat, closes the door and locks the car by pressing a button on the key. The lights flash and the indicators blink. However, he still walks round and checks every door and the hatchback. This of course sets off the alarm, which causes him to drop his case.

He then unlocks and relocks the car and picks up his briefcase. Nigel walks up to the front door, puts down the case, gets out 2 keys and fiddles with the locks. He says to no one in particular.

NIGEL-Mother, how many times do I have to tell you to get these locks seen to?  Don't tell me -there's a knack to it.

NARRATOR-The locks oblige and the door is opened. Nigel removes the keys, puts them away, picks up case and enters. He closes the door. There is a pile of post inside the door. Nigel picks it up and walks to the kitchen. He puts post and case on the table.

NIGEL This place stinks of dogs; how we ever sold it I just don't know.

NARRATOR-He then goes around the rooms opening the windows, walks back into the kitchen and opens the back door. He holds the door open with the bin. He sits down at the table and sorts out the post, putting it into 2 piles. The Bills he puts into his case.

NIGEL-Ad-libs e.g. "Junk, Junk, Bill, Junk, letter! Bill (etc),

NARRATOR-He opens the letter and reads extracts from it out aloud.

NIGEL-Dear Joyce, Just a line to keep in touch/You were sadly missed last week /Everyone asked where you were,/I tried to phone but I got no answer. You must be moving soon/ Keep in touch, Love Nancy".  I suppose I ought to let her know.

NARRATOR-Nigel goes to the hall and phones the number shown on the letter,

NIGEL-Bloody answer phone,

NARRATOR-He speaks in a tone suggesting an elderly woman)

NIGEL-Sorry I can't answer your call as I am having an Anne Summers Party, oops -

NARRATOR-He leaves a message in his ordinary voice

NIGEL-Hello Nancy, this is Nigel, Joyce's eldest.  Mother never made it to sheltered accommodation. She died peacefully in her sleep last Wednesday. I'll let you know about the funeral arrangements, I must go as the new owners will be arriving soon and I've got some bits and pieces to clear out. Bye.

NARRATOR-Nigel being the eldest took the brunt of parental "attention" and it was mutually felt that he was a disappointment to them and himself. As soon as he put down the phone he imagined his mother bearing down on him, in her housecoat under which was "going out clothes", "best wear" as she called it.

Recently she had not gone out much and now she would not go out at all. Nigel turns and "speaks" to her

NIGEL-Well Mother as usual it's all down to me, Georgina has knicked everything worth having and your darling baby boy Jerry, is too upset.

MOTHER-Yes, well nothing here was worthy of your consideration, and upset is the last word I'd use to describe you

NARRATOR-The image turns away and goes into the living room. It sits down on the settee, picks up the local paper and flicks through it. Nigel has walked into the living room.

MOTHER-Obituaries, there we are, I see you haven't been too gushing and emotional. "Died peacefully in her sleep, no flowers, donations to the Animal Sanctuary". And you couldn't have got a cheaper funeral!

NARRATOR-Mother goes back to reading the paper. Nigel goes to the kitchen, finishes the post, puts the remaining bills and the letter into the case. He picks up the junk, goes into the garden and puts the junk into the dustbin.

Nigel is a dreamer and uses his dreaming in the way others use drugs. His dreams make the world a more palatable place to be in. On occasion he stepped across the boundary between fantasy and life.

Arwen had been one such occasion. He remembered their last meeting. They had bumped into each other in the shopping mall.

NIGEL-Well if it isn't my favourite little elf

ARWEN-Why, Nigel why?

NARRATOR-What she meant was why did Nigel let her walk out on him. She called the shots; he should have come back begging like he always had. For the first time Nigel asked himself why and found himself saying

NIGEL-Because I love you. (Pause)  Because, I could just bear you being the mistress of a middle-aged nobody. I'm not a has-been; you have to have been something to be one of them. (Pause) Because, I could not bear the thought of you being the middle aged mistress or wife of a geriatric.

ARWEN-Don't you think that was my choice?

NARRATOR-Nigel goes back into the kitchen and then into the living room. As Arwen's image fades mother's comes into view. Nigel would have loved to have shown Arwen to Mother. They were of the same class.

However mother's wartime fling not only occasioned Nigel, then an unsuitable marriage but also finally condemned her to the life of an upper working class drudge. Her family had cut her dead and in peacetime she had had to follow her wartime occupation as a Nurse.

NARRATOR-Mother always blamed Nigel, for his birth had caused all her problems. She could not and had never loved him, but then he had never loved her. However he was useful for "doing things, or sorting them out".

NIGEL-That's precious coming from you. Unless one went round on all fours and were neutered, you stood no chance with you--.

MOTHER (Interrupts) I loved your father. You could not stand it could you.  Georgina I pity and Jerry's a fool. But you, you could have been someone. A cheap suit, company car and you think you're something special.

NARRATOR- Nigel goes to the cabinet and empties it. He finds a wig. He had also disappointed his father. Nigel was an enthusiastic but poor footballer, father loathed having to watch him play, but surprisingly mother insisted they went and watched. It got her out of the house.

The wig was "Nigel's Wig", and it sparked both happy and sad memories.. Father's image entered Nigel's minds eye. Father takes the wig from Nigel and puts it on Nigel's head. He holds Nigel by the scruff of the neck and Nigel goes all floppy. As they walk across to the chair Nigel stops, looks startled and says

NIGEL-Watch it I'm not a glove puppet!

NARRATOR-They go to the chair, father sits down, and Nigel sits on his knee as though he was a ventriloquist's dummy.

FATHER-Well Nigel have you been a good boy.

NIGEL-Yes I have.

FATHER -You don't say anything you're the dummy.

NIGEL-That's cos. I'm a very shy dummy

FATHER-Oh no your not.

NIGEL -Oh yes I am.

MOTHER -Be-hind you.

NARRATOR-All 3 are laughing. Nigel falls off his father's knee.

MOTHER -Nigel, be a love, make us all a cup of tea.

NARRATOR-Nigel gets up, takes off the wig, and picks up the other items. He stands in the doorway and overhears his parents' conversation and then goes to the kitchen to make the tea.

MOTHER-Why can't you two always get on like that?

FATHER-Cos. he's a snotty little sod, so full of himself.

MOTHER-pointedly-Now who does that remind me of?

NARRATOR-Mother goes back to reading the paper. Father nods off to sleep. Father's head slumps forward, Mother looks at father, then gets up, goes over and tries to wake him.

Nigel never got to make the tea that day. He could remember so clearly what happened next. Mother had suddenly shouted:

MOTHER-Nigel, I can't wake dad up

NARRATOR-Nigel goes into the living room. From his 1^st look, Nigel is certain that his father is dead.

Mother's eyes say, "Come on Nigel sort it all out".

Nigel takes a wrist pulse and uses this as an excuse to place his fathers hands on his now damp lap.

He takes a neck pulse and uses this as an excuse to push father's head back and close his eyes.

Unable to face his mother, with his back to her, he says:

NIGEL-I'll get an Ambulance.

End of Scene 1