Sketch Show
2006

Bar Stewards
Episode Script:
******************************

Episode Title
Come Again Please 

 
 
 
______________________________________________________________
 

~*~
Pre-Opening Theme
Commercial
~*~

Int: At the Seagull Inn  bar
Scott is stood behind the bar while Antony lounges with his head rested on the counter
 
Scott
What makes you do these stupid things Pat?
 
Antony
<Groans>
The drink!
 
Flash Back
 
Int: Night Club (Not The Old Seagull Inn)
 
Antony is sitting at a bar, in front of him sits a full pint of larger and behind him is other people stood having a good time laughing and drinking.
 
The room is full of smoke, flashing disco lights flicker and cheesy loud music can be heard blaring in the background [Song is ‘Fat bottom girl’ by Queen].
 
Antony is visibly drunk and very merry looking.
 
He concentrates hard on his drink in front of him
 
Cut to close up on pint glass
 
Cartoon PINT GLASS
(Animates)
Go on mate; do it, shag her!
 
Antony continues to drunkenly stare at his pint glass, starry eyed before the camera cuts back to the pint glass
 
Cartoon PINT GLASS
SHAG HER!
 
Cam rapidly zooms across the bar and stops abruptly at a very large barmaid ‘Maybe a cartoon’; she is extremely over weight, unpleasant looking and badly fashioned.
 
Cut back to Antony while the voice of the Pint Glass can be heard still out of shot
 
PINT GLASS
SHAG HER! Damn it! SHAG HER! Or I’ll fucking glass ya!
 
Antony gives a dopey smile at the Barmaid
 
Barmaid returns smiles
 
PINT GLASS
SHAG HER!
(Voice fades out as credits begin)
 
Cut abruptly to opening credits:
 
~*~
 Opening Theme
Commercial
~*~
 
Int: At the bar
 
Scott and Antony are sat on opposite sides of the bar.
 
A very chirpy man returns from the toilet, sits down at his table and drinks a bottle in a very pleased way
 
Scott the Barsteward
What’s he looking so happy about?
 
Brett
Didn’t you hear?
 
Cut to Obsessive Compulsion Disorder Sketch
 
This sketch takes place in a doctors room
 
Sketch begins with a over the shoulder view of a Doctor addressing a young couple
 
Doctor (to husband):
 
Sir, it seems your Wife has what is called Obsessive Compulsion Disorder, this is what causes her to feel she has to switch every light in the house on and off 5 times, due to the irrational fear of death if she doesn’t. Basically your wife irrationally believes bad things will happen unless she does something to stop it.
 
Husband slowly turns and looks at his wife in shock
 
Wife:
It’s true
(Wife breaks down and cries)
 
Husband (to Doctor):
Can it be cured?
 
Doctor:
I am afraid there is no cure
 
Husband again turns slowly to wife
 
Husband:
(Begins slowly)
You knowwwww…if you don’t av sex with me five times aday you’ll die!
 
Wife stops crying and looks up in shock
 
 
 
Husband:
(Continues and quickly drops in)
And if there’s no anal (pulls a frown)…the kids
(Husband draws his finger across his throat)
 
Cut to a dramatic close up of wife with shocked expression
 
Cut to a dramatic close up of Doctor with OTT shock expression
 
Cut to Husband looking at Doc giving him the thumbs up, looking very pleased with himself
 
Scene ends with Doctor looking on in shock
 
Cut back to Scott and Antony
 
Scott is buttoning up a long coat but you don’t see what he is wearing underneath
 
Scott the Barsteward
(Finishes his pint)
Right I’m off to work
 
Antony
See ya later
 
Scott the Barsteward leaves pub
 
He is follow in succession by the husband who finishes his bottle and walks out of the pub
 
Scott walks into a building that clearly states it is holding a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
 
The husband walks past and into the church next door
 
Cut to confessions box, the husband sits in
 
Husband:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been a week since my last confession
 
Priest:
(We hear only)
Continue my Child
 
Husband:
Father I have entered into an unholy relationship with a woman who isn’t my wife….
 
(Scene fades out and fades back in just as man is finishing his confession)
 
Husband:
And the Gimps dog was put down…
What do I do?
 
 
Priest:
Oh, well…just a second my child, we have all the answers you need here
 
Cut to Priest side of the confession box where we see him turn around to his laptop where he is tapping into an Internet search engine (e.g Google) to find the answer to give the man
 
Just before scene fades to finish the Priests voice can be heard to say
 
Priest:
Ohhhh, apparently you can buy Gods forgiveness off of Ebay
 
Scene fades out
 
Outside the confession box we see the husband get out and walk off, the Priest then gets out and walks out of shot
 
We see the priest in church at the Alter starting Mass
 
Inside the crowded Church the Priest begins his service
 
Priest:
Amen
I would like to talk about People, that’s right, you and me, I look at the world and feel my heart fill with sorrow at what a cynical creation we have become
 
Cut to Jesus Christ sitting in the Church listening and thoroughly agreeing, looking every bit stereotypically as most are lead to believe Jesus would look like (Think Robert Powell in Jesus Christ Superstar).
 
Priest:
All of us need to find our faith again…is Jesus here?
 
Cut to audience and we see Jesus raise his hand ‘Here’ he shouted like a school child in school registration
 
The Priest pauses for a second, slightly annoyed but continues unfazed
 
Priest:
What does Mankind need to do to find Jesus?
 
Cut to Jesus who now stands up and happily shouts ‘I’m here’ and looks about awaiting his admiration from his flock but instead he gets insults which begins with the priest
 
Priest:
Oh Fuck off! There’s always one, I’m the son on God (he says in a mocking manner), fecking nutters!
 
Priest twitches his head as a sign, we then see two giant middle aged, skinhead alter boys (clearly really bouncers) wade through the seating either side of Jesus and grab him aggressively
 
Everyone cheers but Jesus looks shocked
 
Ext: Cut to out side where we see the big wooden doors of the church shut
 
We hear loud thumps and see the door shake, eventually the door bursts open and we see the bouncer Alter boys/men using Jesus as a ram to open the door, then they throw him out harshly onto the road
 
Jesus sits up stunned for a second before being hit by a car
 
Ext: Cut to Jesus sitting in a cloudy place (Heaven)
 
Jesus:
Oh well it could have been worse
(He looks at holes in his hands)
 
Hitler walks past (he’s in Heaven?) and says: Oh your not still bitching about that are you!
 
Camera pans across to two Priests
 
PRIEST ONE:
(To Priest 2)
Hey, there’s Jesus, lets go speak to him
 
PRIEST TWO:
Nay, never meet your heroes…you’ll only be disappointed
 
Priest one looks surprised
 
Scene ends
 
We see a crowd of people gathered around the spot where Jesus has been ran over, it is pouring with ran and suddenly a football supporter runs passed.
 
Along the gritty wet back city streets we see the one lone football fan dressed in a blue football top running for his life. Behind him is about 20 football yobs, all with red football shirts on, an obvious rival football team, and they are all chasing this poor fellow, intent on doing him serious harm!
 
The lone football fan soon finds himself running into a dead end and pants heavily against a dirty brick wall as he watches the deadly yobs slowly descending on their trapped victim
 
Camera zooms to a close up on the victims face
 
Football fan victim:
God help me
(he says realising what danger he is in)
 
Suddenly there’s a flash of blinding light, heavenly fanfares ring out and a big man enters shot amidst white flowing smoke and light
 
The man is dressed in a white robe, he has long white hair and a big beard, and the man is God
 
GOD:
Your fucked sunshine
 
He pulls his rob open to reveal he too is a rival footy fan and kicks the poor sod in the goolies, causing the young fellow to keel over
 
GOD:
Pile on
(He shouts to the gang of footy yobs)
 
The camera follows a man who walks past the pile on and through into the park where he sits at a bench
 
EXT: A city park

The dejected looking but attractive 30 something man is sitting alone on the park bench.
As the man is sat unhappily he takes notice of his surroundings
 
The man sees some children playing with their parents and sighs with sadness. He then sees another man being welcomed and kissed passionately by a beautiful woman, and finally he then turns to see two dogs shagging by a tree
 
Cut to a close up of our man as he wipes a tear from his eye; he then gets up from his bench and walks out of frame
 
Cut to:
Man getting an ice cream in the park
 
He is standing in the queue when a woman says hello to him.

Woman flashes a smile to the man; man shyly tries to flash one back

WOMAN:
It’s such a lovely day today isn’t it?
(She says in an obvious flirtatious manner)


Our man looks excited by the prospect of this attractive lady interested in him and moves closer to take his chance but…
 
Suddenly he seems to get an erection, a bulge appears in his pants but its not what you may think and it begins to speak
 
GAY PENIS:
No day is lovely when you have genital warts


Woman takes her ice cream and walks off, disgusted


MAN:
(shouts)
No, please don’t go!
 
GAY PENIS:
I’m still a virgin in fact.
 
The woman has obviously had enough of this strange man and trots off, much to the mans anguish, yet another potential shag is walking out of his life
 
Man stands with his head hung low when suddenly a very athletic, hansom young man jogs past
 
GAY PENIS:
Look at the ass on that, phwoar!
 
The man raises his arms to the Heavens and screams
 
 
MAN:
I HAVE A GAY PENIS!!!!!!!!!



Man runs out of the park wailing
 
Man runs passed the spot where all the football thugs piled on the rival football fan
 
Police are arresting the thugs and putting them in a police van
 
End scene


Cut to a court room
 
Int: Courtroom
 
Sketch starts with a one of the football thugs; a very large, hairy tattooed man being dragged into court as he makes a nasty menace of himself, taunting his guards and shrugging along, he even sneers at what is obviously his grieving victims relatives
 
The court is asked to remain silent as the Judge passes sentence
 
Cue Judge Kev who is a old senile looking pensioner
 
Judge Kev:
For the heinous crimes committed by you, Mr Mark Hittal on July 12th 2003 of Murder in the first degree of Miss Brown, Miss Siian, Mr and Mrs Kelly, Master Young, and the rape of Miss Sarah Closes, Sally Wright and Margaret Sales (pause) plus the near death of Mr Bob (pause again) the (said quietly and almost inaudibly) Gimp / I sentence you to……………………….

 
Cut to the Accused snarling, looking totally unbothered by what he will be sent down for
 
Judge Kev:
I sentence you to ……..be Ginger

Cut to the Accused
 
The Accused:

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

The grieving relatives jump up with a roar of delight as if this is the worst sentence he could have received. The court is full of applause as the Accused is dragged away wailing and screaming
 

Scene Ends

Cut back to the Seagull Inn Pub

Antony is stood behind the bar cleaning glasses while talking to two men at the bar. One of the men is a recurring character called Brett
 

Brett
Scott not back yet?

Antony
No, he’s still out working

Cut to Scott sat at a AA meeting just listening to the tragic stories of others

 
Cut back to Ant and Brett
 

Antony
That remind me, I’ve got work to do for the pub too!
 
Antony sneaks down to the cellar and plays on his flute and out of the moist darkness assemble four little men who look like blantant rip off of Gene Wilders Willy Wonka’s Umper lumpers. He summons them to see if they have done his evil
 
 

Antony
Is it done?
 
Umper Lumpa #1
Yes, The landlord from the Red Lion won’t be stealing any more customers from you Master
 
 

Cut to flash backs of the Umper Luma’s evil scheme of putting the rival landlord out of business.

 
Here we see the event of the night before shown in a series of snap shots.
 
We see the landlord of the Red lion finding the little Umpa Lumpas dressed like women tarts very attractive (which is absurd because they look ridiculous) and we see them all over him, while one Umpa Lumpa can be seen in the background drugging his cola.
 
The last shot shows the group in the Red lion with the landlord passed out due to the spiked drink and this is where the Umpa lumpas put their plan into action.
 
They begin to take fake obscure pictures while he is unconscious. They then put him in a car with the polarised photographs they have taken, drench him in booze and then drive the vehicle through a police station wall before vanishing into the shadows of the night to the sounds of Antony’s flute playing.
 
A copper looks at the car through the hole in the wall and seems uninterested as he drinks his lager and flirts with a prozzy but then a picture falls out of the car into his eyeline, one of the pictures that makes it look like the landlord is having sex with one of the Umpa Lumpas and the copper shouts alarmingly “Sex with a midget, you sick bastard, you’ll get years”
 

Scene cuts back to bar where Antony comes back up to talk to Brett who is saying goodbye to his friend at the bar

Antony
He wasn’t here long
 

Brett
No, he’s got a doctors appointment
 

Cut to outside a doctors surgery where we see Brett’s friend walking in

Scene ref: Crap Doctor

The following is a character that is the worst doctor anyone could have and is a repetitive character that could appear a few times doing all the things you would never want your doctor to do
 

Int: Doctors office

Brett’s friend enters the room, he looks quite miserable
 
A cheerful doctor greets him
 
Doc:
Hi there Jim, how’s you doing? Still Captain of that brilliant rugby team of yours?
 
Jim:
 Ur, no…I don’t play anymore
 
Doc:
Oh well more time with that gorgeous missus of yours I dare say, ay?
 
Jim:
Ur, no…she chucked me
 
Doc:
Hmmm…okay…well how can I help you then?
 
Jim:
(Gets more upset as he speaks) I’ve just come in to say thanks, I’ve had both my testicles removed and the hospital says they can’t find any sign of cancer and it’s probably because we caught it early and that’s all thanks to you
 
Doc spurts his cup of tea in shock
 
Doc:
Oh f**k, did I forget to tell you that was an April fools!
 

Cuts back to Brett and Antony

Antony
So how’s you and ya bird then?
 

Brett:
I’m just not happy any more with her mate

Antony
<Playing fruit machine>
Well just dump her then
 
Brett
Oh I can’t do that, I think it would push her over the edge and then everyone would call me a bastard, oh I definitely can’t dump her <sigh>
 
Antony
Hmm (thinks) Just dump her
 
Brett
 <Shouts>
I just can’t
 
Antony
O.K … alwright, if you don’t wanna feel guilty… well then I guess your gonna have to get Ronda to dump you
 
Brett
What?
 

Antony
Yeah, just do something you know she’ll hate and get her to dump you…a nice decent girl like that…should be easy to find something she won’t like
 
Brett
(strokes chin and ponders) Hmmm
 

Cut to next scene in this Sketch

Int: House hallway

We see a young woman arriving home, she is petite, wears glasses, pleasant looking in a nice school teacher kind of way
 
Ronda:
Bertie (no answer) Brett! You in?
 

Brett
<Shouts from upstairs, a little nervously>
 I’m in the bedroom
 
Ronda hangs her coat up and proceeds to walk up the stairs; unaware of whatever Brett has in store for her
 
Cut to inside of bedroom and focus on the door, which we see Ronda open and stop dead, staring on in shock
 
Cut to Brett stood next to bed with only little black leather pants on, a spiked collar and a zipped mask. On the bed next to Brett is an assortment of kinky toys
 
Brett does not really know what to say, he is doing this to freak Ronda out enough for her to dump him, so standing in this gear he feels weird anyway and just waits for her reaction
 
Ronda walks towards Brett slowly, not changing her expression until she is stood right in front of him and she picks up a pink bat with big spikes on it and smacks in onto her other hand
 
Ronda:
<Speaks quietly>
Oh do you like that
<Louder>
Bitch!

Cut to Bretts face, particularly his wide shocked eyes
 

Brett
Ay?

Cut back to Ronda who is now instantly dressed as a leather clad temptress
 
Ronda:
Now (Smacks spiked bat again) put your balls in the vice

Camera zooms into the TV on the dressing cabinet so we can’t see what happens but we hear a smack, a crunch and Brett screaming in pain.
 

Next sketch follows seamlessly on from the last

After we hear Bretts yelp the News comes on the Television
 
Astonishing events are unfolding, the News reader tells us as we are show footage of the event that the PM, Tony Blair, is still at large after claiming Kingship in the houses of Commons and escapes with his rebels. After he escaped Gordon Brown claims PM due to Tony Blairs madness but just before scene cuts we see everyone shout “Fuck off” to him
 
The News reporter claims to have an update that reveals that Tony Blair and his rebels have captured the Palace and also that George Bush has labelled him a tyrant and decides to launch a Shock and Awe attack on the palace to rid the world of another absolute ruler
 

After the news finished the camera zooms out into a different bedroom

Scene Ref: Job Interviews

Int: A bedroom

A young couple get ready for bed
 
Man:
I do hope I do well at THIS interview in the morning

Woman:
Oh you will darling; you’ve just had some bad luck

Man:
Yeah, lets hope I get no more though

Woman:
Oh I’m sure you will do great and get that job and don’t you go flirty with your new office floozies when you do

 
Man:
Of course not
<laughs>
 
Woman:
I’m serious!

Man:
<Laughs off remark as a innocent quip>
 

Scene cuts to next morning, same room

The man is sat on the end of his bed, still undressed, frantically trying to pull off a ring on his wedding finger. He’s hand is very focal to the shot and it is held virtually in front of his hysterical face
 
Man:
Why! Why did you glue a ring to my finger?

Cut to sobbing girlfriend and back
 
Man:
Now my hands are stuck together, argh! I’ve got the job interview to get to!
 
Woman:
I didn’t want no power mad woman boss thinking she could take advantage of you
 
Man:
We’re not even engaged!
(He says still tugging at ring)
We’re never gonna be engaged!
(He says nastily)
 
Woman sobs
 
Camera zooms in on mans face
 
He screams and holds hands in front of his face, one bloody hand is missing his wedding ring finger as the other hand is holding it, and he looks at his dismembered finger and screams again and drops his finger after shaking it unstuck
 
Camera zooms out to see him still sitting on the end of his bed naked, and his super glued finger lands in his lap, slips into his underpants and sticks to his penis, he screams again
 
Woman screams, she goes to grab finger, scene fades out and you hear man scream again
 

Man
Oh Gawd Nooooooo!

Cut to the Seagull pub where Brett and Antony are sat at the bar

Brett
Did that Barman turn up for his interview?
 

Antony
No, and when Scott comes back we will need more staff on
 

Brett
What is Scott doing?
 

Antony
Working!
 

Cut to Scott at AA meeting

A group of alcoholics are still sat in a circle, taking turns to tell their tragic tales of how alcohol has ruined their lives. A distraught man finishes his story and it comes to Scott to tell his.
 
We get a tight shot of Scott’s face in a very sombre, serious mood and it appears he is just about of tell his tale of woe when the camera quickly zooms out to show Scott leaping up onto his chair, throwing off his long coat and revealing him to be dressed as the Pipe Piper.
 
Scott brandishes a musical pipe
 
As the Pipe Piper he begins playing the pipe wonderfully, he prances and dances and dramatically makes his way to the door.
 
Soon we realise that to the tune of his pipe a conga line of people are following the Piper out of the door, the Alcoholics from the meeting who were just telling us how booze have ruined their lives begin to dance merrily and skip along like giddy children as they follow the Piper and his magical tune
 
We see the conga line of drunks following Scott the Barsteward merrily down the street and as this is happening other people begin to join in, people who really shouldn’t
 
We a group of people at a funeral about to bury a loved one, all very sad when the coffin lid opens and a man jumps out and prances off to join the line, the Priest and the page boys soon follow
 
We see a mom having a home birth and she is just giving birth when the baby (a obvious doll to achieve this part) jumps off to join the line and then house dog
 
We see a cross in the middle of a council estate with Jesus surrounded by Romans, weepers and the old boy racer seeing what all the fuss is. Jesus looks up as a light beams down and he begins to ascend to Heaven but as soon as Scott the Barsteward passes playing his Pipe he goes ‘ooooh’, hops off and joins the line
 
Ext: Outside the Seagull Inn Pub
 
Antony and Brett are drinking their pints looking at the strange sight of this medieval Pipe Piper leading a group of drunks to towards the pub
 
Scott A..K.A The Pipe Piper stops next to Antony and Brett but continues to play his pipe which is leading all the AA members and others into his bar, all of them still giddily happy, dancing into his pub to his magic tune.
 
When the last person has ventured through the pub door (that last person being the newborn baby) the Piper turns to a shocked looking Brett and a unsurprised looking Antony
 
Scott the Barsteward:
(Very happy and excited)
Great an’ it!
 
Brett:
Bloody’ell Scott, your gonna come unstuck one of these days with your ‘clever’ ideas to get new bums on seats
 
Scott the Barsteward:
Aye! ……What’s the worst that can happen?
 
 
Cut to inside the pub 5 minutes later
 
Int: Inside Pub
 
The scene begins with everyone fighting and Antony and Brett are knelt underneath a bar table, sipping their lager, watching all the events unravel around them. They then look over to Scott who is badly beaten on the floor and looks like he is just coming around and waking up
 
Scott stands up and as the camera rotates around him we see the mayhem of the drunks ripping the place apart.
 
(The following happens in a quick, fluid motion)
 
We see a small dog that came in with the drunks sat on the bar with a pint on his head, which he is drinking from. Someone gets punched and goes flying into the dog, knocking over the small cute dogs pint
 
Cut to a close up of dog, his eyes glow red
 
Cut back out and we see the dog fly and attack the big fella is a OTT manner, the man quickly falls to the floor, sprouting OTT blood from his wounds and another fighter quickly sees this and pulls the dog off, not to help but to use as a weapon and holds the dog out to bite all his victims
 
Cut to:
 
Barsteward joins Antony and Brett under the table
 
Barsteward:
Oh well back to the drawing board
 
Episode One ends