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Crime and Thriller
Degrees of Darkness
By tonyf
13 May 2005
The opening chapter of my first novel, currently being considered by an agent. This is the harrowing tale of an ex-DI who is forced to deal with a serial killer/abductor after his son is murdered and his daughter snatched away in the dead of night.

CHAPTER ONE


The two-storey detached house was impressive, generously propotioned, built in smooth red brick and finished with stained dark wood. Its gardens were large and lush, lawns neatly manicured. A magnificent willow crouched by the wooden fence in the back garden, behind which ran a driveway that serviced all six houses in the row. An affluent neighbourhood, its inhabitants cocooned in a blanket of self-assured security, the quiet street was dark and silent shortly before midnight on that third Sunday in July.
            When Janet Rogers switched off the downstairs lights and went up to bed that night, she first checked on both her son and daughter as they lay sleeping in their separate rooms. Gary was a motionless mound, buried beneath the covers. Laura lay on her side, both hands clasped as if in prayer beneath her cheek. Janet blew kisses at her children before making her way along the landing to her own bedroom. As she pulled back the lightweight duvet and slipped between the sheets, she paused, one foot still resting on the floor. Her toes gripped the carpet pile as she considered what she had done. It had been several years since she'd felt the need to be assured of her sleeping children's health and safety in that way, so why tonight? From where had such an impetus come?
            A moment of consternation threatened to overwhelm her, but it passed swiftly and she was left feeling a little foolish. Nevertheless, Janet rose from the bed and padded across to the door. She opened it a few inches, and immediately felt herself relax. Irrational, yet comforting. She glanced across at the motionless form on the other side of the bed, glad he hadn't been awake to mock her. She would not have been able to explain her actions. He would not have been able to understand them.
            She lay awake longer than usual, face turned towards the bedroom door, wondering how that tiny gap between the edge and its frame could be so reassuring. What is wrong with you? she chided herself. They're not babies anymore. The days of listening to monitors, heart skipping beats and pulse racing every time a child's breath was snatched away, were long gone. Go to sleep you stupid woman. The kids are safe and well, and will be their usual zombie-like selves in the morning. Her lips curled upwards at the thought, and she nuzzled into her pillow. That's better. Nothing to fear after all.
            Janet's eyelids began to flicker, the first stages of sleep starting to weigh them down. Her mind repeated the mantra until conscious thought was lost: Nothing to fear after all. Nothing to fear after all. When she woke three hours later and saw the figure standing above her, she realised for the first time in her life what fear actually was.


In the third bedroom now, and here was his prize. What had gone before was merely a precursor. This was the reason he had come.
            Naked, save for the plastic covers taped around his feet, and white cotton gloves pulled snug on large hands, the man paced the room like a caged animal. He felt good, so loose and alive, a busy night's work behind him, the best part yet to come. As he moved he kept his face turned towards the sleeping girl, his eyes as unblinking and glassy as those of a reptile. His tongue snaked out to moisten his lips.
            He stopped pacing and stood quite still for a few moments, allowing himself to focus. Sweat slid from his body as though his flesh were made of glass. After running a hand across his forehead, he smiled crookedly and moved among the shadows towards the girl's bed, feet hissing on thick carpet. She was quite beautiful, strawberry-blonde hair draped around her oval head like a silken halo, lips parted as if preparing for a kiss. Moonlight bleeding through her bedroom window cut a pale slash across her arm. He stared at her exposed flesh, and what he saw there took his breath away. For although the room was warm, her skin had erupted in a rash of goosebumps.
            She had felt the chill of his approach.
            The girl was dreaming, eyes flickering just as her mother's had less than thirty minutes earlier. The rapid eye movement fascinated him. REM. He thought of the rock group who went by that name, one of their songs striking a deliciously ironic chord...
            Everybody hurts. Everybody cries. Everybody hurts...sometimes.
            How gloriously appropriate.
            Softly he called her name. His smooth voice whispered like a gently flowing stream. Twelve-year-old Laura Rogers stirred in her sleep but did not awaken.
            "Laura?"
            The voice like a sigh came again. This time he gently shook her warm body. The touch was electric, his long thin fingers jerking reflexively, prompting an explosion of images in the darker regions of his mind. His hand maintained the contact longer than was necessary. Only the thickness of the thin cotton gloves separated them. It was still far too much.
            The girl began to emerge from her slumber. She blinked the fog of sleep away, drank him in with widening eyes, yet said nothing. Fear had eroded her capacity for speech.


The intruder's hand reached out toward her. "You have to come with me," he said. "Right now."
            Terrified, Laura Rogers shook her head. There was a cry of horror within her, but it was buried deep down and she could not find a way to it. Her mouth flapped open uselessly, and a white-gloved hand clamped over her parted lips. A gleaming, bone-handled knife appeared before her eyes as if from nowhere.
            The intruder lowered his head close to hers and his eyes became dead black pools.
            "Don't cry out," he warned. "When I remove my hand from your mouth, you must not scream. If you do, your family will suffer unimaginable pain. Do you understand me?"
            She gave a single nod. He withdrew his hand.
            "Good. Now then, pay attention. I want you to come with me, and you will. Whether you come walking by my side, or gagged and trussed over my shoulder, I really don't care. But you will come with me."
            "Who are you?" Laura managed to ask in a tiny voice that was scarcely more than a whisper.
            He smiled terribly. It was intended to be disarming, but was merely predatory. "Are you afraid of the dark, Laura?" As he asked the question he waggled the knife back and forth. His voice remained easy and light.
            She nodded, mute once more.
            His smile broadened. He touched the knife to the tender flesh of her cheek, sweeping the long steel blade along its smooth curve with delicate strokes. The movement was affectionate, perhaps even intimate. "That's good, Laura. That's very good. Because I am the dark, and you should fear me. Do you hear me? Do you understand? I am the dark, Laura."
            A low, whimpering sound filled Laura's ears. At first she thought that someone - or something - else had entered the room, before realising that the pitiful moans were escaping from her own lips. If this man truly was the dark then she would live in fear of it for the rest of her life.
            Suddenly her scattered thoughts reassembled themselves, a jigsaw completed in a flurry. "What about my...?"
            "Your family will be safe provided you come with me. Provided you don't cry out or give me any problems. If you don't do as I say, I'll kill them. I'll kill them all. I'll make you watch as I do it, and then I'll kill you, too. But believe me, Laura, I will take my time about it."
            Laura saw she had no choice. She found it hard to believe this was not a dream, some terrible nightmare from which she would soon awaken, sweating and scared, yet dripping with relief. A small voice inside her head told her to run, to fight, to scream loud enough to wake the dead. Another reminded her of his warning. With great reluctance and enormous resolve, Laura pushed back the sheets and twisted round. She wore only a thin sleeveless nightdress, and felt naked before his unswerving gaze. He smiled and nodded.
            "That's a good girl," he said. "I knew you'd understand me, Laura. I just knew you would. I can see we're going to get along just fine."
            "What do you want with me? Why are you doing this?"
            "All in good time, Laura. For now, you only have to focus on doing as you're told."
            She stood, swaying unsteadily for a moment, betrayed by her legs as she reached for her dressing gown, but the man yanked on her arm and pulled her away. He leaned forward, eyes fixed upon hers. "Did I say you could have your robe? Did I ask you to get it, did I give you permission to put it on?"
            Laura shook her head stiffly. "No, but I..."
            "But nothing. Do only as you are told. Now, come with me."
            By the hand he led her along the landing, down the stairs and into the kitchen. As they moved beyond the breakfast bar, Laura peered down at a strange dark shape on the quarry-tiled floor. It took her fully twenty seconds to recognise what remained of her cat. Her eyes flew open and she glared at the man through a welling of tears.
            "Why did you have to kill Simba?" Her voice was small, shocked by the brutality.
            The man grinned, shrugged and replied, "Why not?"
            As they left the house through the back door, he stopped to pull on a cotton tracksuit, before stepping into a pair of soft canvas shoes. The bags that had been on his feet disappeared inside a small holdall. He did not wash first, and it wasn't until they were outside in the sultry night air that Laura fully realised what had been smeared across the man's face and naked body.
            Blood. Dark and slick. Too much blood for one tiny cat.
            In that instant she knew the truth. But by then it was too late. "You told me you hadn't hurt them," Laura cried.
            He slapped a hand over her mouth once more. "I know," he said. "I lied."

Reviews
Formatting
Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 13th May 2005
Did you realise that you have doubled up some of the passages? I have come across this in some of the other stories on here. It might be a formatting problem. 
 
That said I have to say I am hooked on this one! I am a big fan of Dean Koontz and this reminded me of his way of throwing the reader headlong into the action. 
 
I have been studying (on the net) the narcissist and serial killers with a view to writing some stories myself. 
 
 
As I said, I read Dean Koontz, Richard Laymon, Stephen King and assorted crime fiction so your story is right up my street! 
 
You need to have a look at why your paras are double posted. There appears to be more than there is here and it was disappointing. 
 
You certainly left it on a cliff hanger! 
 
spidey
Poor pussy cat...
Written by Ostara (61 comments posted) 14th May 2005
I always feel sorry for the pets - why do they always get it? :cry  
 
Well Tony, I agree with Spidey, the way you ended it left me wanting more (smart tactic) and the pace keeps you bubbling along nicely, just the way a good thriller should. 
 
A small crit possibly would be that you don't really need half of the descriptions at the beginning - it doesn't really serve a purpose, unless of course you are writing a descriptive story. I think in this case you are 'drawn in' and relaxed more than enough by Janet's checking of her children while they sleep. 
 
My last comment would probably be that you don't find out enough about the kidnapper/murderer to get a picture of him, but I am sure this would be covered in later chapters. Hurry up and post the next one :)
Formatting Problem
Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 15th May 2005
I believe this happens when you press the save creative work button twice. Sometimes it takes a few seconds to save and if you press the save button again in this time then it causes the doubling of the paragraphs. 
 
I too have had my fill of the horror genre although I'd have to read more to see if this story does indeed fit that genre. I suppose it depends on which character's POV you write on the most; assuming a detective is going to pop up somewhere. 
 
Well written and I would love to read more.
Thanks
Written by tonyf (4 comments posted) 16th May 2005
Thanks for the comments so far. Essentially, the POV is Laura's father - an ex DI - who is estranged from his wife and family and now, whilst dealing with his grief at losing his wife and son, also gets involved in the hunt for his daughter and the man who took her. The novel is also written in parts from both Laura's and the killer/abductoer's POV, but the main thrus is the father's.
confident storytelling
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 27th May 2005
TITLE - is it eye-catching, relevant to story? he was "the darkness" is degrees something i missed or is there some relevance later 
BEGINNING - Does it hook you, lead into the story, relevance- electrifying 
VOICE/VIEWPOINT - Does it come across well, show personality, is it right for the story, well handled? -good narration 
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE - Do personalities show up; are they stereotypes; are they right for the story? - largely, he was sinister, she seemed a little too composed/confident for a twelve year old captive - 
USE OF ENGLISH/STYLE - Does it read well? Imaginitive use of language/imagery/layout, does it show 'sparkle'? -it rules 
Are there spelling errors/typos/jarring grammatical errors? were there meant to be those underlinings? 
DRAMA - Is there good use of action, enough tension/conflict? -very much -in the koontz, laymon, etc mould 
EMOTION - Are we swayed by the narrator and identify our emotions with the narrator? -not enough yet-you strike a fine balance between too much/too little character development-this helped the pace  
STORYLINE/PLOT - Is it evident? Is there a beginning,middle,end? Interesting/ original? -smart storyline/plot -but well trodden -so i assume as this is going for publication there's some usp's 
THEME - What's the underlying meaning of the story? Was it evident? Understandable? -very much so 
ENDING - Are loose ends tied up? Are you let down? Was it expected/original? - slightly predictable -of the genre -but hey -where else can you go?
I enjoyed it very much
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 20th May 2006
I've just finished reading this piece and 'The bone woman', and what makes me jealous is your ability to allow me to move effortlessly through the text.  
 
I'm not averse to throwing a paperback in the bin if it's wriiten in an inpenetrable style. I enjoy Michael Connelly very much because his style makes it effortless for the reader. i enjoyed both pieces very much. 
 
When you bottle up and sell the magic ingredient, put me down for a case!

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