Written in hindsight of events I was trying to think it through. Suggestions welcome, It's not finished. This is the second time round, but i have kept the first just in case - pray take another look
These memories seem to darken as
I look at them.
Lights dim, smiles fade and stars are
marred by time.
Not like the bracelet, given so tenderly,
an exchange beyond what present
company could have seen.
You were so pleased that day,
to watch my face and struggle to fasten
that tiny catch around my trembling wrist.
Does my gift degenerate so?
Sat in a box, in a drawer, in the chest
at the back of your mind?
Is my smile fading from view
slipping over the horizon of memory?
My gift - all I had to give - does it still
shine as brightly in your eyes?
Do you still travel in dream to a wasteland
and there count every regret?
|
Very good; as usual.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th September 2006 |
Hello Clo.
I enjoyed this. [But you have such a long way to go before you beat 'Bottles' which I told the editors - alongside Rattle- Spear- was the best piece on the Site.] I find it difficult to belive you are so young to produce what you do,. No matter. I have to own up and say you are-- 18--!!?!? or otherwise an astonishingly competent writer of verse.
Well done Clo. But you probably don't need to me to say so.
Slan!
|
Lovely poem
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 15th September 2006 |
Best I've read in some time. As GC says, you have an uncommon talent.
Oli. |
Written by shadowplay (41 comments posted) 15th September 2006 |
There's some really great bits in this, but at the same time parts of it let the rest down. I urge you as well not to listen to people who remark about your age; it's irrelevant.
These memories seem to darken as
I look at them.
I really like this.
Lights dim, smiles fade and stars are
snuffed out,
This is stuffed full of cliches. Get rid of it.
replaced by a cerebral gloom.
Why is the gloom cerebral? How is the gloom cerebral? I'm failing to make the leap here.
Not like the bracelet, given so tenderly,
an exchange beyond what present
company could have seen.
Yes. I like it. It doesn't sway me much either way, but maybe it doesn't need to.
You were so pleased that day,
to watch my face and struggle to fasten
that tiny catch around my trembling wrist.
The same again.
Does my gift degenerate so?
Sat in a box, in a drawer, in the chest
at the back of your mind?
Is my smile fading from view
slipping over the horizon of memory?
If I didn't know you better I'd swear you've been reading Sylvia Plath. I love it. Bravo.
My gift - all I had to give - does it still
shine as brightly in your eyes?
Yes yes yes, this is good.
Do you still travel in dream to the
top of a mountain, and watch our sun go down?
What a horrendous ending- what a cliche, what rubbish. Please change this. |
Written by Phil (6851 comments posted) 15th September 2006 |
I loved the feel and the sound of this. I like my poems with pulse, and this had it in abundance.
Old romantic that I am, I really liked the last four lines. Just goes to show!
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 19th September 2006 |
| This is nicely written, with a kind of delicate touch I find appealing. You convey sadness very effectively through the use of a personal moment. However, it does seem to slip into sentimentality on occasions, particularly in the last two lines- perhaps replace them with something that fits with the present theme? Otherwise, well done! |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 19th September 2006 |
Wonderful.
I need say no more.
Elli |
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