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The Sandcastle that Killed the World |
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By ellipinnock
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18 September 2006 |
This is for Josie :)
And, despite the title, it is not intended to be flippant A child Digs. Blithe. Innocent. Heeding not The destruction Wreaked Upon the smooth Expanse of Sand Nor the Lapping Of tidal waves Creeping Closer and Closer To his Unsuspecting Back. How then Shall the man Improve? He proceeds as Blithely With Innocent Abandonment. Yet now The world Is his plaything. The towers He builds Belch Acrid fumes Skywards. Tainting for Evermore Our planet. He too Ignores the Warning Signs. The weather May batter And burn Him. He may Choke In smog Of his own Creation. Yet, His only wish is for A little Peace To build His castles In the Sand. |
Josie is unworthy...
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 18th September 2006 | Sorry Josie.
This is poetry of quality - The child is father of the man, the transience of things we think permanent. Nice themes, well delivered.
"Castles made of sand, melt into the sea, eventually..." Jimi Hendrix
Oli | Stunning
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 18th September 2006 | Hi Elli
This is absolutely superb. Left me totally gob smacked - something that doesn't happen often!
Wonderful! Well done...
Best wishes
mish x |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 18th September 2006 | Wonderful Elli. Actually brought a tear to my eye. Keep going back to read it.
This is poetry.
Fabulous.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 19th September 2006 | I love the idea behind this, it's really fantastic. I'm not sure about the structure, with the brief lines- I think it's possibly too slow and plodding, not thoughtful enough- but otherwise, well done  |
Written by ellipinnock (1816 comments posted) 19th September 2006 | Blimey, thanks guys!
Much appreciated.
gutterkitty-I played around with the structure of this quite a lot and may continue to tweak. I wanted the lines to be short to given the poem a broked, slightly awkward feel to it and also to give the reader plenty of time to think as they went along so it is supposed to read quite slowly. Sorry it didn't work for you.
Elli | The Sandcastle - - - - -
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 19th September 2006 | | Your imagery is quite remarkable. I have to tell you that I didn't like the short lines because I found it didn't flow - but that is not a criticism, only my personal preference. Your imagery is quite awful because people are still building their sandcastles with their backs to the sea - and nobody seems to want to do anything to change things, despite all the warnings. Who will give up their holiday abroad, travelling by air, to save our planet? That's one example of many. Enough said. Good link up to my poem about saving our planet. |
Written by devscribbler (10 comments posted) 22nd September 2006 | | your short lines are like the lapping of the waves that were witness to the destruction. Keep writing. | Comparisons
Written by Star-Light (13 comments posted) 30th September 2006 | Elli,
This is beautifully written. It is a poem with a powerful message and so true. Thank you for sharing this. Keep up your writing because I feel you write from your heart!
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