Scene 1. Station 1.

(Narrator enters with Bible, and stands at the lectern. Flips through pages of the Bible. Finally stops and begins to ‘read’ from the Bible (have script inside Bible for authenticity).)

Narrator: At that time, in the reign of Tony Blair, a young woman named Gemma lived in one room on a university campus somewhere in England. Gemma was, like all of her lineage, a faithful Jew, of the line of David. She was going out with a Jewish man named Curtis, also of the descent of David. Curtis, too, lived on the university campus… but in a different room.

At that time, in the reign of Tony Blair, a young woman named Gemma lived in one room on a university campus somewhere in England. Gemma was, like all of her lineage, a faithful Jew, of the line of David. She was going out with a Jewish man named Curtis, also of the descent of David. Curtis, too, lived on the university campus… but in a different room.

(Narrator stays at the lectern with the open Bible, as though still recounting the story, but removed from the action. Gemma enters. She sits at the table with a pen and pile of paper, writing furiously.)

Gemma: Augh! Stress!

Augh! Stress!

(Narrator taps on mike to make SFX of knocking at door.)

Gemma: (shouts) Yeah, what? Look, I’ve got this essay due for tomorrow-

(shouts) Yeah, what? Look, I’ve got this essay due for tomorrow-

(More knocking.)

Gemma: Fine then, come in if you really must.

Fine then, come in if you really must.

(Enter Gabriel)

Gabriel: Hi, Gemma!

Hi, Gemma!

Gemma: How do you know my name?

How do you know my name?Gabriel: Well, it’s a long story. You see-

Gemma: Look, I’m really busy. Can’t it wait?

Look, I’m really busy. Can’t it wait?

Gabriel: Not really, no.

Not really, no.

Gemma: Okay, well whatever it is that’s so pressing, make it quick.

Okay, well whatever it is that’s so pressing, make it quick.

(Cue music: Angel by Shaggy. Enter whole cast in sunglasses as Backing Singers. Narrator leaves lectern, puts on sunglasses, and joins Backing Singers. Gabriel takes a microphone.)

Backing Singers: Well I’m an angel

Well I’m an angel

A messenger angel

I come from God good news to tell

(Gemma-a-a)

Yes I’m an angel

I am an archangel

But you can call me Gabriel

(Gemma-a-a)

Gabriel: Now Gemma, girl, God has greatly blessed you

Now Gemma, girl, God has greatly blessed you

Made you part of his great scheme of rescue

Get on your knees now glorify the Most High

Cause you will have his Son his promise for the long run

Looking forward now, I should just a-mention

Call the baby Jesus cause he is Salvation

Do not be afraid of my salutation

It’s good news for the nation give him deep admiration

Backing Singers: Well I’m an angel

Well I’m an angel

A messenger angel

I come from God good news to tell

(Gemma-a-a)

Yes I’m an angel

I am an archangel

But you can call me Gabriel

(Gemma-a-a)

(Music fades, Backing Singers exit.)

Gemma: So… I’m pregnant with the Messiah?

So… I’m pregnant with the Messiah?

Gabriel: Well, that’s the succinct version. The song has more flair though, don’t you think?

Well, that’s the succinct version. The song has more flair though, don’t you think?

Gemma: Uh… you do know I’m a virgin? I mean, isn’t that a problem?

Uh… you do know I’m a virgin? I mean, isn’t that a problem?

Gabriel: Well, technically speaking… no.

Well, technically speaking… no.

Gemma: ‘Scuse me?

‘Scuse me?

Gabriel: We’re talking GOD here, Gemma, okay? It’s a miracle. Get used to it.

We’re talking GOD here, Gemma, okay? It’s a miracle. Get used to it.

Gemma: Well, there’s no way this essay’ll be finished for tomorrow. (Pause) Okay. Deep breath. Yeah, I can handle this. (Another pause.) God, I’m so grateful that you’re letting me be a part of this. Thankyou. Let it happen like that weird bloke said it would. And… and please help me finish this essay. (Pause) Oh. And please help me tell Curtis.

Well, there’s no way this essay’ll be finished for tomorrow. (Pause) Okay. Deep breath. Yeah, I can handle this. (Another pause.) God, I’m so grateful that you’re letting me be a part of this. Thankyou. Let it happen like that weird bloke said it would. And… and please help me finish this essay. (Pause) Oh. And please help me tell Curtis.

(All exit, excluding Narrator.)

 

Scene 2. Station 1.

(There is a duvet on the table, turning it into a bed. Enter Curtis and Gemma. Curtis sits on the chair, Gemma on the table. They are obviously half way through a conversation.)

Narrator: Shortly after the angel Gabriel appeared to her, Gemma went to visit her Curtis in his room.

Shortly after the angel Gabriel appeared to her, Gemma went to visit her Curtis in his room.

Gemma: And I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swear it, Curtis, it really happened, Shaggy impersonation and all.

And I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swear it, Curtis, it really happened, Shaggy impersonation and all.

Curtis: Gemma, you’re sure this isn’t some sort of elaborate joke?

Gemma, you’re sure this isn’t some sort of elaborate joke?

Gemma: No, it’s true. Honestly. I’m pregnant. And I’m carrying the Messiah.

No, it’s true. Honestly. I’m pregnant. And I’m carrying the Messiah.

Curtis: Okay, you’re pregnant. So you two timed me and you slept with someone who you weren’t even married to, and now you won’t tell me who it was. And you’re also saying that you are, effectively, carrying God. Like God would ever be a baby in that way.

Okay, you’re pregnant. So you two timed me and you slept with someone who you weren’t even married to, and now you won’t tell me who it was. And you’re also saying that you are, effectively, carrying God. Like God would ever be a baby in that way.

Gemma: It’s true! An angel appeared and-

It’s true! An angel appeared and-

Curtis: You sure it wasn’t just some drunk?

You sure it wasn’t just some drunk?

Gemma: If so, how did he make the music appear? And it felt… genuine.

If so, how did he make the music appear? And it felt… genuine.

Curtis: Yes, but-

Yes, but-

Gemma: I PEED ON THE STICK, OKAY?

I PEED ON THE STICK, OKAY?

Curtis: Look, Gemma, I’ll be your friend, I’ll stick by you, but I can’t go out with you any more.

Look, Gemma, I’ll be your friend, I’ll stick by you, but I can’t go out with you any more.

Gemma: Curtis, if you can’t believe me, then I’m breaking up with you. Goodbye.

Curtis, if you can’t believe me, then I’m breaking up with you. Goodbye.

(Gemma exits. Pause, then Curtis lies down on the bed and sobs exaggeratedly, banging his fist up and down on the bed. Then he falls asleep. Enter Gabriel and Backing Singers. Narrator joins Backing Singers. Cue Shaggy music. When music starts, Curtis wakes up and watches Gabriel.)

Backing Singers: Well I’m an angel

Well I’m an angel

A messenger angel

I come from God good news to tell

(Curti-i-is)

Yes I’m an angel

I am an archangel

But you can call me Gabriel

(Curti-i-is)

Gabriel: Now what she has told you is the truth, boy

Now what she has told you is the truth, boy

Although I admit, it could sound like a ploy

I am here to back up Gemma’s story

She has got a baby, without no hanky panky

She is bearing Jesus the messiah

The Son of God and you’ll be his earthly father

You and Gemma’s relationship is so strong

You been together so long, she’d never do you wrong

Backing Singers: Well I’m an angel

Well I’m an angel

A messenger angel

I come from God good news to tell

(Curti-i-is)

Yes I’m an angel

I am an archangel

But you can call me Gabriel

(Curti-i-is)

(Exit Backing Singers, excluding Narrator.)

Curtis: Wow… I’m sure I’ve never taken drugs, but that is conclusive evidence to the contrary.

Wow… I’m sure I’ve never taken drugs, but that is conclusive evidence to the contrary.

Gabriel: I’m not a hallucination, okay? I’m an angel. An archangel. But you-

I’m not a hallucination, okay? I’m an angel. An archangel. But you-

Curtis: Can call you Gabriel, yeah, I know. Wow. So she was telling the truth, then.

Can call you Gabriel, yeah, I know. Wow. So she was telling the truth, then.

Gabriel: Yup. When you wake up, maybe you should call her.

Yup. When you wake up, maybe you should call her.

Curtis: Yeah, yeah, I will. Thanks.

Yeah, yeah, I will. Thanks.

Gabriel: Both my pleasure and my job.

Both my pleasure and my job.

(Exit Gabriel and Curtis. Possibility of a break. If so then exit Narrator.)

 

Scene 3. Transition between Stations 1 and 2.

(Enter Narrator and stands at lectern. Flips through Bible, as before.)

Narrator: At that time, but about nine months later, war with everyone but America was imminent, so Tony Blair had decreed that every citizen should travel to their home towns to register their presence and receive identification. Gemma and Curtis both had to return to Newham to register. The M1 was, predictably, incredibly busy.

At that time, but about nine months later, war with everyone but America was imminent, so Tony Blair had decreed that every citizen should travel to their home towns to register their presence and receive identification. Gemma and Curtis both had to return to Newham to register. The M1 was, predictably, incredibly busy.

(Curtis is holding a toy steering wheel, miming steering, and he and Gemma are at station one, on two chairs with wheels, side by side. As the scene progresses they inch their chairs towards Station 2, representing a car in slow moving traffic. Gemma appears heavily pregnant.)

Gemma: This is a nightmare.

This is a nightmare.

Curtis: I know. But how else could they have managed it?

I know. But how else could they have managed it?

Gemma: Well, it seems pretty pointless to make us go back home. Couldn’t they do it where people are?

Well, it seems pretty pointless to make us go back home. Couldn’t they do it where people are?

Curtis: I’m sure there’s a good reason. Anyway, it doesn’t matter; there’s nothing we can do about it.

I’m sure there’s a good reason. Anyway, it doesn’t matter; there’s nothing we can do about it.

Gemma: How can you be so laid back? Hey you know what? I bet it’s not real ‘identification’. I bet they want to stamp 666 on our hands. And we’ll go in all unsuspecting and then- (she hits Curtis’ hand, hard. His grip slips on the wheel.)

How can you be so laid back? Hey you know what? I bet it’s not real ‘identification’. I bet they want to stamp 666 on our hands. And we’ll go in all unsuspecting and then- (she hits hand, hard. His grip slips on the wheel.)

Curtis and Gemma: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! (It is obvious they nearly crashed.)

AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! (It is obvious they nearly crashed.)

(Curtis regains control of the wheel and glares at Gemma.)

Curtis: I’m sure you’re worrying unnecessarily.

I’m sure you’re worrying unnecessarily.

Gemma: It was a joke, you freak. (kisses her teeth.)

It was a joke, you freak. (kisses her teeth.)

Narrator: (As Narrator speaks, Gemma and Curtis continue to move their chairs.) The journey was very long and when they arrived at Bethlehem- I mean Eastleham, no, East Ham-

(As speaks, and continue to move their chairs.) The journey was very long and when they arrived at Bethlehem- I mean Eastleham, no, East Ham-

 

Scene 4. Station 2.

(Gemma and Curtis have arrived at Station 2. Both stand up as though getting out of a car. Enter Nathan, who picks up the cardboard door and holds it in front of him.)

Gemma: Here we are. Hope mum’s got the kettle on! (She knocks on the door. Nathan opens it.)

Here we are. Hope mum’s got the kettle on! (She knocks on the door. opens it.)

Nathan: Oh, uh, hi Gemma. Hi Curtis. Hello.

Oh, uh, hi Gemma. Hi Curtis. Hello.

Gemma: Enough with the pleasantries. Let us in!

Enough with the pleasantries. Let us in!

Nathan: Um, well, thing is… we weren’t…

Um, well, thing is… we weren’t…

Gemma: Yes?

Yes?

Nathan: We didn’t think you’d come. You know, getting pregnant when you two aren’t married, you’re kind of in trouble at home. So um… there’s people here who moved away and still have to register here staying in your room. You remember-

We didn’t think you’d come. You know, getting pregnant when you two aren’t married, you’re kind of in trouble at home. So um… there’s people here who moved away and still have to register here staying in your room. You remember-

Gemma: I don’t care who it is. We’ll sleep on the floor!

I don’t care who it is. We’ll sleep on the floor!

(Nathan shuts door.)

Gemma: FREAKS!

FREAKS!

(Exit Nathan. Enter AB. He picks up the door and holds it in front of him. Gemma knocks on door. AB opens it.)

Gemma: Hi, AB, can Curtis and I stay at your house while we register?

Hi, AB, can Curtis and I stay at your house while we register?

AB: Oh, I am sorry. The house is full. Liz and Curtis have their friends staying while they register. We have no room, sorry.

Oh, I am sorry. The house is full. Liz and Curtis have their friends staying while they register. We have no room, sorry.

(AB shuts the door.)

Gemma: FREAKS!

FREAKS!

(Exit AB. Enter Lucy. She picks up the door and holds it in front of her. Gemma knocks on door. Lucy opens it.)

Gemma: Lucy, could Curtis and me stay at your house? Just while we register?

Lucy, could Curtis and me stay at your house? Just while we register?

Lucy: Sorry, we’ve got the Smiths staying with us while Marcus and Martha are registered. Otherwise I’d say yes.

Sorry, we’ve got the Smiths staying with us while Marcus and Martha are registered. Otherwise I’d say yes.

(Lucy shuts the door.)

Gemma: FREAKS!

FREAKS!

(Exit Lucy.)

Curtis: So what’re we going to do now?

So what’re we going to do now?

Gemma: I dunno. I ain’t trekking over to Wanstead to ask Tom. (Curtis gets out his mobile and hands it to her.)

I dunno. I ain’t trekking over to Wanstead to ask Tom. ( gets out his mobile and hands it to her.)

Gemma: Okay, I’ll call him. (She dials.) Oh, hi, Tom! It’s Gemma. Listen, can me and Curtis stay at… yeah… FREAKS!

Okay, I’ll call him. (She dials.) Oh, hi, Tom! It’s Gemma. Listen, can me and Curtis stay at… yeah… FREAKS!

Curtis: That was a no, then.

That was a no, then.

Gemma: Yeah, they got the Georges staying at their house. Hey, the Fieldhouses live just around the corner. We could try there.

Yeah, they got the Georges staying at their house. Hey, the Fieldhouses live just around the corner. We could try there.

(Enter Amber and Toby. The whole door rigmarole happens.)

Gemma: Hey, um… could me and Curtis stay at yours?

Hey, um… could me and Curtis stay at yours?

Amber: I dunno… Hey, Tobs, go and ask mum.

I dunno… Hey, Tobs, go and ask mum.

Toby: Okay… (moves behind door, out of view, and then appears again.) She says there’s no room cause we’ve got people staying but she says if you’re really desperate you can stay in the allotment, the greenhouse is quite warm, even this time of year.

Okay… (moves behind door, out of view, and then appears again.) She says there’s no room cause we’ve got people staying but she says if you’re really desperate you can stay in the allotment, the greenhouse is quite warm, even this time of year.

Gemma: Oh yes. I’d say we were desperate enough.

Oh yes. I’d say we were desperate enough.

Toby: Okay, well, we’ve got some spare sleeping bags.

Okay, well, we’ve got some spare sleeping bags.

Amber: They ain’t using mine!

They ain’t using mine!

Curtis: Gemma, you’re carrying the Messiah. What are you planning on doing when the baby’s born, laying him in a flowerpot?

Gemma, you’re carrying the Messiah. What are you planning on doing when the baby’s born, laying him in a flowerpot?

Toby: Well I dunno about flowerpots but we’ve got a few manure troughs.

Well I dunno about flowerpots but we’ve got a few manure troughs.

(All exit excluding Narrator, possibility of a break. If so then exit Narrator.)

Scene 5. Station 3.

(There is a wheely bin at this station, with Gabriel inside. Enter Dustmen (of whom Tracey is one) and Filthy Lil, their leader. Pantomime element.)

Narrator: At that time, there were some dustmen working in the streets of Newham.

At that time, there were some dustmen working in the streets of Newham.

Filthy Lil: Come on, guys. Last bin before we get to go ‘ome today.

Come on, guys. Last bin before we get to go ‘ome today.

(Dustmen open wheely bin. They hide the fact that they are holding it steady while Gabriel climbs out. All squint at him as though he’s a bright light.)

Dustmen: (together) Cor! Flippin’ ‘eck, guv’nor! etc.

(together) Cor! Flippin’ ‘eck, guv’nor! etc.

Filthy Lil: Flippin’ ‘eck, ‘e’s shinin’ like a lightbulb! Alright, boys. Let me deal with this.

Flippin’ ‘eck, ‘e’s shinin’ like a lightbulb! Alright, boys. Let me deal with this.

Tracey: (to Gabriel) That’s our fearless leader, Filthy Lil.

(to ) That’s our fearless leader, Filthy Lil.

Gabriel: (to Filthy Lil) Hello!

(to ) Hello!

Filthy Lil: Alright, now what was you doing in a bin?

Alright, now what was you doing in a bin?

Gabriel: Well, I was waiting for you.

Well, I was waiting for you.

Filthy Lil: Why? We do our job proper. We may only be dustmen, but we don’t miss no bins, so you ain’t got no reason to be lying in wait for us-

Why? We do our job proper. We may only be dustmen, but we don’t miss no bins, so you ain’t got no reason to be lying in wait for us-

Gabriel: No, Lil, I’ve not got a problem-

No, Lil, I’ve not got a problem-

Filthy Lil: Filthy Lil.

Lil.

Gabriel: Oh, sorry. Filthy Lil, I don’t have a problem with the way you work. I have a message for you.

Oh, sorry. Filthy Lil, I don’t have a problem with the way you work. I have a message for you.

Tracey: From who?

From who?

Filthy Lil: Shut up, Tracey, I can ‘andle this. (to Gabriel) Yeah, from who?

Shut up, Tracey, I can ‘andle this. (to ) Yeah, from who?

Gabriel: From God. (Tracey sniffs at Gabriel.)

From God. (sniffs at.)

Tracey: No, he don’t smell drunk.

No, he don’t smell drunk.

Filthy Lil: God? Why is ‘e givin’ us a message? You wouldn’t think God’d care about a few dustmen.

God? Why is ‘e givin’ us a message? You wouldn’t think God’d care about a few dustmen.

Gabriel: Well it’s kind of like this.

Well it’s kind of like this.

(Enter Backing Singers. There are less of them now because half of them are playing Dustmen. The better singers should remain as backing singers. Cue Shaggy music.)

Backing Singers: Well we are angels

Well we are angels

We’re rejoicing angels

We come from God good news to tell

(Dustme-e-en)

Yes we are angels

We are praising angels

Listen to what we’ve got to tell

(Dustme-e-en)

Gabriel: Do not be afraid, for I speak of good news

Do not be afraid, for I speak of good news

There is great joy headed for all of yous

The Messiah’s been born he’s in Newham General

In the hospital in a NHS cradle

Gabriel and Backing Singers: Give some praise now big ups to the Father

Give some praise now big ups to the Father

Glory in the highest praise for ever after

Peace on earth now big ups to the people

As they reconciled with the God above the steeples

Backing Singers: Well we are angels

Well we are angels

We’re rejoicing angels

We come from God good news to tell

(Dustme-e-en)

Yes we are angels

We are praising angels

Listen to what we’ve got to tell

(Dustme-e-en)

(Music fades, exit Backing Singers.)

Tracey: Wow guv’nor. You murdered that song.

Wow guv’nor. You murdered that song.

Filthy Lil: Oh it don’t matter Tracey. I’ll sacrifice a great Shaggy song for the Messiah. Newham General you say?

Oh it don’t matter Tracey. I’ll sacrifice a great Shaggy song for the Messiah. Newham General you say?

Gabriel: Well he was born in a greenhouse in an allotment, but he’s been moved to Newham General with his mother.

Well he was born in a greenhouse in an allotment, but he’s been moved to Newham General with his mother.

Filthy Lil: Right, thanks guv’nor, we’re gonna go and see him. Come on, guys!

Right, thanks guv’nor, we’re gonna go and see him. Come on, guys!

(Exit Dustmen led by Filthy Lil, amid cries of ‘cor, the Messiah’, ‘Come on’, ‘You sure that bloke wasn’t drunk?’ etc.)

 

Scene 6. Station 4.

(Enter Adanma, Debbie, and Cath, and sit on the three chairs as though in a car. Adanma has the steering wheel and is miming driving.)

Narrator: At that time there were three wise women from the East… End. They were driving around Newham, waiting for a sign from God.

At that time there were three wise women from the East… End. They were driving around Newham, waiting for a sign from God.

Cath: I’m sure God told us to drive.

I’m sure God told us to drive.

Debbie: Yeah, but it would be helpful if he’d told us where we were going.

Yeah, but it would be helpful if he’d told us where we were going.

Adanma: Well it seems unlikely that his Son would be round here. Maybe we should be at Buckingham palace instead.

Well it seems unlikely that his Son would be round here. Maybe we should be at Buckingham palace instead.

Cath: That’s interesting Adanma, because you’re suggesting that God is actually right wing and a supporter of the royal family.

That’s interesting Adanma, because you’re suggesting that God is actually right wing and a supporter of the royal family.

Adanma: Yeah true. Interesting thought.

Yeah true. Interesting thought.

Debbie: So do you think God’s left wing then, Cath?

So do you think God’s left wing then, Cath?

Cath: Well I don’t know. I mean it’s an interesting idea, but…

Well I don’t know. I mean it’s an interesting idea, but…

Adanma: Do you even think God has a political position?

Do you even think God has a political position?

Cath: Well I don’t know. I think he must hold some sort of opinion about the whole thing, though… but I’m not sure…

Well I don’t know. I think he must hold some sort of opinion about the whole thing, though… but I’m not sure…

Debbie: I’d never really considered it to be honest.

I’d never really considered it to be honest.

(Sound effect of a siren is made.)

Adanma: Did you…?

Did you…?

Debbie: Yeah, I think I did…

Yeah, I think I did…

Cath: FOLLOW THAT AMBULANCE!

FOLLOW THAT AMBULANCE!

(Adanma puts her foot down and all three lean back as though car is travelling fast. Exit Wise Women.)

 

Scene 7. Station 1.

(Station 1 is now a hospital room. The table still has the duvet on it, and there is still a chair placed parallel to the bed. Gemma is sitting on the table, under the duvet, so she appears to be in bed, and Curtis is sitting in the chair. Curtis is holding a doll wrapped in blankets.)

Narrator: After Jesus was born, the paramedics took him and Gemma to Newham General, where he was laid in a hospital cot.

After Jesus was born, the paramedics took him and Gemma to Newham General, where he was laid in a hospital cot.

Gemma: Ugh… here I am in Newham General, another teenage mother statistic.

Ugh… here I am in Newham General, another teenage mother statistic.

Curtis: Hey, come on. I’m holding the King of the world, God’s Son, who you gave birth to.

Hey, come on. I’m holding the King of the world, God’s Son, who you gave birth to.

Gemma: Yeah, I suppose.

Yeah, I suppose.

(In rush Filthy Lil and the Dustmen.)

Curtis: What the-!

What the-!

Filthy Lil: Is that ‘im? Is that the Messiah? (She approaches Curtis and tickles the baby under the chin. Curtis passes him to her.) Ahh. ‘E’s lovely.

Is that ‘im? Is that the Messiah? (She approaches and tickles the baby under the chin. passes him to her.) Ahh. ‘E’s lovely.

Gemma: And you are…?

And you are…?

Filthy Lil: Oh, sorry. I was forgetting meself. This bloke came out of a dustbin and ‘e told us that the Messiah ‘ad come, and where to find him and everything. Well, not so much told as… sung.

Oh, sorry. I was forgetting meself. This bloke came out of a dustbin and ‘e told us that the Messiah ‘ad come, and where to find him and everything. Well, not so much told as… sung.

Gemma: What, Shaggy, Angel?

What, Shaggy, Angel?

Filthy Lil: Yeah, but with different words.

Yeah, but with different words.

Curtis: Ah. Say no more.

Ah. Say no more.

Filthy Lil: So we came straight ‘ere.

So we came straight ‘ere.

(Enter Wise Women.)

Adanma: Oh, wow, it’s Gemma! Gemma’s baby is the Messiah! (Cath yells in excitement)

Oh, wow, it’s Gemma! Gemma’s baby is the Messiah! (yells in excitement)

Gemma: Huh? How do you…

Huh? How do you…

Debbie: We followed an ambulance.

We followed an ambulance.

Gemma: Ooo… kay.

Ooo… kay.

Adanma: Well blame Lucy, she wrote the script. (An awkward pause.)

Well blame Lucy, she wrote the script. (An awkward pause.)

Cath: We brought presents!

We brought presents!

Debbie: Yeah. I brought chocolate chip and banana cake… uh, for Gemma. And this gold chain for…?

Yeah. I brought chocolate chip and banana cake… uh, for Gemma. And this gold chain for…?

Gemma: Jesus.

Jesus.

Debbie: For Jesus.

For Jesus.

Cath: I got him some of that new aftershave. I know he won’t be able to use it yet, but it smells so nice, I just couldn’t resist!

I got him some of that new aftershave. I know he won’t be able to use it yet, but it smells so nice, I just couldn’t resist!

Adanma: I got this. It’s really unusual, myrrh I think it’s called. It smells… beautiful, but bitter. Hard to describe.

I got this. It’s really unusual, myrrh I think it’s called. It smells… beautiful, but bitter. Hard to describe.

Gemma: Wow. Thankyou all so much.

Wow. Thankyou all so much.

Narrator: Angels rejoiced in the skies because the Messiah was born.

Angels rejoiced in the skies because the Messiah was born.

(Enter Gabriel and Backing Singers.)

(Cue Shaggy music.)

All: Lord now we can have your favour

Lord now we can have your favour

You sent a Saviour

A baby sent from up above

 

And he appears to us so tender

Well God we surrender

So thanks for giving us your love

 

Gabriel: Oh!

Oh!

 

All: Lord now we can have your favour

Lord now we can have your favour

You sent a Saviour

A baby sent from up above

 

And he appears to us so tender

Well God we surrender

So thanks for giving us your love

 

(Keep going, get the congregation to join in.)

At that time, in the reign of Tony Blair, a young woman named Gemma lived in one room on a university campus somewhere in England. Gemma was, like all of her lineage, a faithful Jew, of the line of David. She was going out with a Jewish man named Curtis, also of the descent of David. Curtis, too, lived on the university campus… but in a different room.Augh! Stress! (shouts) Yeah, what? Look, I’ve got this essay due for tomorrow- Fine then, come in if you really must. Hi, Gemma! How do you know my name? Well, it’s a long story. You see-Look, I’m really busy. Can’t it wait? Not really, no. Okay, well whatever it is that’s so pressing, make it quick.Well I’m an angel Now Gemma, girl, God has greatly blessed youWell I’m an angel So… I’m pregnant with the Messiah?Well, that’s the succinct version. The song has more flair though, don’t you think? Uh… you do know I’m a virgin? I mean, isn’t that a problem? Well, technically speaking… no. ‘Scuse me?We’re talking GOD here, Gemma, okay? It’s a miracle. Get used to it.Well, there’s no way this essay’ll be finished for tomorrow. (Pause) Okay. Deep breath. Yeah, I can handle this. (Another pause.) God, I’m so grateful that you’re letting me be a part of this. Thankyou. Let it happen like that weird bloke said it would. And… and please help me finish this essay. (Pause) Oh. And please help me tell Curtis. Shortly after the angel Gabriel appeared to her, Gemma went to visit her Curtis in his room. And I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swear it, Curtis, it really happened, Shaggy impersonation and all. Gemma, you’re sure this isn’t some sort of elaborate joke?No, it’s true. Honestly. I’m pregnant. And I’m carrying the Messiah. Okay, you’re pregnant. So you two timed me and you slept with someone who you weren’t even married to, and now you won’t tell me who it was. And you’re also saying that you are, effectively, carrying God. Like God would ever be a baby in that way. It’s true! An angel appeared and- You sure it wasn’t just some drunk?If so, how did he make the music appear? And it felt… genuine. Yes, but- I PEED ON THE STICK, OKAY?Look, Gemma, I’ll be your friend, I’ll stick by you, but I can’t go out with you any more. Curtis, if you can’t believe me, then I’m breaking up with you. Goodbye.Well I’m an angelNow what she has told you is the truth, boyWell I’m an angel Wow… I’m sure I’ve never taken drugs, but that is conclusive evidence to the contrary. I’m not a hallucination, okay? I’m an angel. An archangel. But you-Can call you Gabriel, yeah, I know. Wow. So she was telling the truth, then. Yup. When you wake up, maybe you should call her. Yeah, yeah, I will. Thanks.Both my pleasure and my job. At that time, but about nine months later, war with everyone but America was imminent, so Tony Blair had decreed that every citizen should travel to their home towns to register their presence and receive identification. Gemma and Curtis both had to return to Newham to register. The M1 was, predictably, incredibly busy. This is a nightmare.I know. But how else could they have managed it?Well, it seems pretty pointless to make us go back home. Couldn’t they do it where people are? I’m sure there’s a good reason. Anyway, it doesn’t matter; there’s nothing we can do about it. How can you be so laid back? Hey you know what? I bet it’s not real ‘identification’. I bet they want to stamp 666 on our hands. And we’ll go in all unsuspecting and then- (she hits hand, hard. His grip slips on the wheel.) AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! (It is obvious they nearly crashed.) I’m sure you’re worrying unnecessarily. It was a joke, you freak. (kisses her teeth.) (As speaks, and continue to move their chairs.) The journey was very long and when they arrived at Bethlehem- I mean Eastleham, no, East Ham- Here we are. Hope mum’s got the kettle on! (She knocks on the door. opens it.) Oh, uh, hi Gemma. Hi Curtis. Hello. Enough with the pleasantries. Let us in!Um, well, thing is… we weren’t… Yes? We didn’t think you’d come. You know, getting pregnant when you two aren’t married, you’re kind of in trouble at home. So um… there’s people here who moved away and still have to register here staying in your room. You remember-I don’t care who it is. We’ll sleep on the floor! FREAKS! Hi, AB, can Curtis and I stay at your house while we register? Oh, I am sorry. The house is full. Liz and Curtis have their friends staying while they register. We have no room, sorry. FREAKS!Lucy, could Curtis and me stay at your house? Just while we register? Sorry, we’ve got the Smiths staying with us while Marcus and Martha are registered. Otherwise I’d say yes. FREAKS! So what’re we going to do now? I dunno. I ain’t trekking over to Wanstead to ask Tom. ( gets out his mobile and hands it to her.) Okay, I’ll call him. (She dials.) Oh, hi, Tom! It’s Gemma. Listen, can me and Curtis stay at… yeah… FREAKS! That was a no, then.Yeah, they got the Georges staying at their house. Hey, the Fieldhouses live just around the corner. We could try there. Hey, um… could me and Curtis stay at yours? I dunno… Hey, Tobs, go and ask mum.Okay… (moves behind door, out of view, and then appears again.) She says there’s no room cause we’ve got people staying but she says if you’re really desperate you can stay in the allotment, the greenhouse is quite warm, even this time of year. Oh yes. I’d say we were desperate enough. Okay, well, we’ve got some spare sleeping bags. They ain’t using mine! Gemma, you’re carrying the Messiah. What are you planning on doing when the baby’s born, laying him in a flowerpot? Well I dunno about flowerpots but we’ve got a few manure troughs. At that time, there were some dustmen working in the streets of Newham.Come on, guys. Last bin before we get to go ‘ome today. (together) Cor! Flippin’ ‘eck, guv’nor! etc. Flippin’ ‘eck, ‘e’s shinin’ like a lightbulb! Alright, boys. Let me deal with this.(to ) That’s our fearless leader, Filthy Lil. (to ) Hello! Alright, now what was you doing in a bin? Well, I was waiting for you.Why? We do our job proper. We may only be dustmen, but we don’t miss no bins, so you ain’t got no reason to be lying in wait for us-No, Lil, I’ve not got a problem- Lil.Oh, sorry. Filthy Lil, I don’t have a problem with the way you work. I have a message for you. From who? Shut up, Tracey, I can ‘andle this. (to ) Yeah, from who? From God. (sniffs at.)No, he don’t smell drunk. God? Why is ‘e givin’ us a message? You wouldn’t think God’d care about a few dustmen. Well it’s kind of like this.Well we are angels Do not be afraid, for I speak of good news Give some praise now big ups to the FatherWell we are angels Wow guv’nor. You murdered that song. Oh it don’t matter Tracey. I’ll sacrifice a great Shaggy song for the Messiah. Newham General you say?Well he was born in a greenhouse in an allotment, but he’s been moved to Newham General with his mother. Right, thanks guv’nor, we’re gonna go and see him. Come on, guys! At that time there were three wise women from the East… End. They were driving around Newham, waiting for a sign from God. I’m sure God told us to drive. Yeah, but it would be helpful if he’d told us where we were going. Well it seems unlikely that his Son would be round here. Maybe we should be at Buckingham palace instead. That’s interesting Adanma, because you’re suggesting that God is actually right wing and a supporter of the royal family. Yeah true. Interesting thought. So do you think God’s left wing then, Cath?Well I don’t know. I mean it’s an interesting idea, but…Do you even think God has a political position? Well I don’t know. I think he must hold some sort of opinion about the whole thing, though… but I’m not sure… I’d never really considered it to be honest. Did you…? Yeah, I think I did… FOLLOW THAT AMBULANCE!After Jesus was born, the paramedics took him and Gemma to Newham General, where he was laid in a hospital cot. Ugh… here I am in Newham General, another teenage mother statistic. Hey, come on. I’m holding the King of the world, God’s Son, who you gave birth to. Yeah, I suppose. What the-! Is that ‘im? Is that the Messiah? (She approaches and tickles the baby under the chin. passes him to her.) Ahh. ‘E’s lovely. And you are…? Oh, sorry. I was forgetting meself. This bloke came out of a dustbin and ‘e told us that the Messiah ‘ad come, and where to find him and everything. Well, not so much told as… sung. What, Shaggy, Angel? Yeah, but with different words.Ah. Say no more.So we came straight ‘ere. Oh, wow, it’s Gemma! Gemma’s baby is the Messiah! (yells in excitement) Huh? How do you… We followed an ambulance. Ooo… kay. Well blame Lucy, she wrote the script. (An awkward pause.) We brought presents! Yeah. I brought chocolate chip and banana cake… uh, for Gemma. And this gold chain for…? Jesus. For Jesus. I got him some of that new aftershave. I know he won’t be able to use it yet, but it smells so nice, I just couldn’t resist! I got this. It’s really unusual, myrrh I think it’s called. It smells… beautiful, but bitter. Hard to describe. Wow. Thankyou all so much.Angels rejoiced in the skies because the Messiah was born. Lord now we can have your favour Oh!Lord now we can have your favour