It was announced yesterday that it would now be compulsory for old people over the age of eighty, and weighing more than three stone twelve pounds, to ride in the boot if they wish to travel in a motor vehicle. A spokesperson for Mr Blair`s office stated that this was in no way discrimatory but purely a safety issue. Statistics have shown that over the last two years there have been over sixty serious road accidents directly attributable to old people having a bowel malfunction whilst travelling in a car with family or friends.
    There has however, been widespread condemnation from the general public. One lady we spoke to said she regularly took six eighty-four year old pensioners to lapdancing lessons on a thursday afternoon and how did Mr Blair think she was going to get them all in the boot of her Robin Reliant. `We don`t all have the luxury of bloody great Jags like some people we know` she said bitterly.
     Age concern too are not happy with this new development. Mr R Thrytis, regional co-ordinator for walking stick provision, said they had received many calls from members who had turned up at BandQ on ten percent off day only to find they could not take their products home because their boot was full of excess pensioners.
     Mr Thrytis went on to add that only yesterday afternoon there had been a very nasty incident in the car park of B and Q in Saffron Walden which resulted in one of his members being taken to hospital to have a brand new garden fork surgically removed from his backside.
    The police in the meantime will be monitoring the new legislation. The chief Constable of Surrey said his Officers would not be issuing fines for the first few weeks provided the offending pensioners climbed immediately into the boot if they were stopped.
     And what of the pensioners themselves? We talked to one typical eighty-two year old gentleman in his front garden this morning  He said he was appalled at the assumption that all old people over the age of eighty had a bowel retention problem. Pulling his trousers back up he said personally it wouldn`t affect him as he travelled everywhere on his 650cc Harley Davidson motorbike...
     Finally a spokesperson for the Ministry of Transport said he appreciated this new legislation was far from perfect. We know that the biggest single cause of these accidents is the driver being overcome by the noxious odour in the vehicle, so with this in mind, over the next few months it was hoped to start a nationwide programme to make all car boots completely airtight....