I see we are thinking of having a News Desk Site. I read in the papers this moring that Muslims are going to be afforded grants to help their Community Projects. Also, even handed as ever, Christianity's favourite son, Dan Brown is planning another book. Here's my little pitch. If religious people get upset, by the way, my real name is Roger Woodcock.
From The Khyber Pass Gardener's World. 20 Sept. 06
Encouraged by a grant from The Department of the Environment Community Fund, a group of entrepreneurial businessment from the foothills of Pakistan are to set up the UK's first Islamic Horticultural Society. The Al Aqsa Martyrs Garden Centre will open in Luton later this year, with further branches planned for Bradford, Leicester and Forest Gate in London in 2007. The Centre will enable Muslims to purchase High Grade Afghan 'Scagg' Quality Mark Poppy Seed and large quantities of Weedkiller at discount prices, thus enabling Jihadist gardeners to enjoy their hobby, the annihilation of Western Society, according to Sharia Law.
The groups grinning leader, Osama Bin Tichmarsh, told reporters by video at the launch, ' By the power of The Most Green Fingered One, Praise and Blessings to His Name!! We are preparing to celebrate British Legion Festival of Remembrance. By the Prophet's Beard!! All Homebase Infidels Shall Die!!'.
Asked why he thought he needed 750,000 tons of Potassium Nitrate, he replied, ' Oh!, By the Great and Terrible Gardening Tool of Allah!! So many weeds!! Front Path is dreadful this time of year! . Also group is planning special treat for Her Majesty the Queen at next year's Chelsea Flower Show!'.
CHRISTIANITY'S CREPE CRUSADERS.
From Friends of Guantanamo Bay Newsletter. 20 Sept. 06.
Best selling author, Dan Brown, has delighted his fans by announcing another coup. The discovery of the bill for The Last Supper! Written in Sanskrit and unearthed during his researches in the Vatican Archives under his bed, Brown now feels he must revise his original account of the foundation of World Christianity. ' Seems like what happened ', he told a news conference to coincide with the publication of his new book, '
St John Was a Wus ', has zilch to do with the Magdalene broad after all. No sweat. Here's the real McCoy.
Jesus and his boys rocked up for a pigskin full and a nosebag at the swanky Upper Room Restauraunt ahead of watching the Crucifixion of The Good and Bad Tealeaves on Sky. Course, being a tight arsed bunch of scallies they pulled their usual scam, ordered one sardine and slice of unleavened bread Starter between them. That's so JC can pull his sneaky stunt of multipyling the grub and turning the complmentary picture of fizzy water into wine for good measure. They was all so pissed and stuffed they didn't suss the smart alec Samaritan Waiter keeping the tab!! Bastard goes and charges then for the hooling lot!! Course Jesus starts getting lippy and the Romans get called.Next thing off he's so bladdered he starts telling the Centurion he's the Son of God!!! 'Son of God!! '. Says the Centurion, Maximus Phallus. 'Yeah! And My names Big Dick!!... Legionary! Cuff him! You're Nicked, My Son!' That's when he gets banged up and in front of the Beak, PP. And would you believe it, daft wozzack just washes his hands and has him nailed along with the other two lowlifes...Crucified him they did...Well I ask you... You know the rest...Last thing up he's on the Cross and shouting '
Three Days!! Three Days!!
I'm down off here and that Shytehawk Samaritan Arab gets it first!!!' ...... Next off Christianity's started...
Son of God!? ....Religion!?... You couldn't invent it!!. Oi!! Hang on a mo... I just did...!
(c) REUTERS SYNDICATION INC. 2006 |
Brilliant
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
I'm suppose to be at work now, but I caught this and just had to read.
It made me laugh after getting all sentimental at Talisker's Granda.
Great hoot...loved it!
best wishes
mish x |
nice one!
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Your usual disregard for all forms of authority, Gerard!
Brilliant, as usual!
Bagheera
|
Putting the fun into fundamentalism
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
You know you'll go to hell for this,the only question is which one.
Where others fear to tread you drive an armoured Pope-mobile. Brilliant bit of work and alsolutely spot one. Humour is at it's best spiced with a bit of anger
cheers
BBS |
Thanks.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Firstly, thanks Michelle.
Secondly, I will get in touch regarding you message.
Slan! |
Edinburgh?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Many thanks Paul. Haven't been in touch for some time. Anything positive from Edinburgh? I'll nip over and have a look at some of the stuff you have been up to in the next day or so.
Slan! |
Your turn.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Well Jane, I am glad to see your customary piety and devotion to religious observance has not made you baulk at my irreverence. How about something from youself? Comedy Site needs another shot in the arm and Chris and Sasquatch can't do it all on their own. Woody's piled in with a lovely piece. Now perhaps you might like to entertain us with a female take on the news.
Incidentally I think Nascent's idea for a News Desk is asking to be taken up.
Many thanks.
Slan! |
Wrong number?
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Nice to see you treading your usual unsafe path again Gerard. Smashing, well thought out piece my friend...unfortunately I`ve just had an irate geezer called Jihad bellowing at me down the phone...
happy writing
woody
A News Desk sounds a great idea... |
What are friends for...?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Thanks for your comments, Woody. Look forward to getting together in the GW Newsroom! ' Here is the News not fit to print and this is Roger Woodcock reading it....'--Sounds good!
Sorry about Abdul making those threats. I thought it a bit over the top to say what he said he was going to do to your hamster. Its just when he got on to me I couldn't handle it so I gave him your number. I mean what are friends for, for Christsake?! Hope that's OK. Never mind. I hear the Pope's got his hands full at the moment so you are pretty safe there..
Slan! |
Safe maybe ?
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Thank god I am on the other side of the world and well away from the inevitable bomb blast that will spread your entrails hither and yon .
I think I might even set up a bunker as well in the bushland near Dondingalong to hide from the Vatican police that will be hunting down all your acquaintances
Kevlar vests all round !
patterjack |
Yup!
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Yes, well done GC. Didn't think this would be your type of jape/caper to be honest. I concur this newsdesk would generate some decent crack, and possibly lawsuits.
Rgds
Givitsum |
Game of two halves...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Many thanks Brian. I shall come and hide in The Village; or maybe even Dingdongalog should I need to.
These spoof news gobbets are very popular elsewhere. I can see why. You can bang one off in seconds literally and there is an endless source of material. Turning them into a sketch, however, is quite a different matter. I have been disappointed with what I have seen emanate from sites that specialise in this sort of thing. Its one thing to have a gag; but quite another to know how to capitalise on it.
Slan! |
And another thing...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Regards Chris. And thanks. What I said to Brian [ Patterjack] above was my impression of sites inviting gags. Here may be different as it is already a more comprehensive writing site and those involved are more likely to know what sketch writing linvolves.
You are quite right. This is not at all my normal neck of the woods; but frankly humour is humour and either you can do it or you can't. Happily you don't have a problem there and with others like Woody; Sasquatch; Jane; etc there ought to be enough to maintain some sort of respectable momentum on a News Site.
Slan! |
Brown-nosin'...
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Reminded me a lot of Malcolm Muggeridge. During the conversion.
And a highly entertaining revisit to the area your windswept and interesting brother explored all those years ago down the Gallowgate.
I was counting the number of people round my tropical hotel pool (Scunthorpe) reading all this "Angels and Demons", "Honey I Shrunk the Knight's Templar" crap the other day - "Jesus, there's some serious money in this shit" - to quote St. Paul.
...and a brilliant last line... great craic! |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Good craic Gerard, i particularly liked Osama bin Tichmarsh, surely he deserves a series all of his own!
The fake news idea is a good one, we could just use the comedy forum and begin any relevant posts with Fake News -
cheers
Sasquatch |
Hi coush...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
HI coosh!
Were those the dying words of Christ!!??
Well blow me down!! I thought he said ' When I get dwn off 'ere you turkies are gonna wish I'd made Simon Peter Pope....
Pope!!?? 'I sez, You're 'avina larf!!!! Peter... Pope!? I' d sooner get Judas t' lend me a full seven inch o' his God given rope....
REMAINDER CENSURED.!!!!!
|
Choices...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Sorry sas,
Missed yer kind words. Many thanks.
Yes it would be a real advance to have a spoof News Desk. If only to keep you and Chris in Ungainful Employment.. I understand the Wilkinson sez either you go or he does...Tough one for th' Missus....
Slan! |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Religion, you couldn't invent it - too right.
Clever, but not too clever to be very funny.
Oh! By the Terrible Tool of Allah!! - Idea- send it to the BBC to read when they have all those earnest tossers, from either side, peddling their gobshite ideas.
Great,
Phil.
|
Channel Four...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Thanks Phil.
I fear the BBC may be a touch circumspect in inviting such material. Channel Four. Now that's another matter. Much less PC. Thuogh I think this will be staying with the GW Newsdesk.
Thanks for your thought.
Slan!
|
I've got the Message..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd September 2006 |
Yes, all right! OK! I know. There is no need to keep going on about it!
For those sending me PMs saying they don't understand the title, it was the working title of a Spoof Newspaper I used on the RTE series Brohannan's Eye.
How's that for having you stymied!
Slan! |
Hi Gerard
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 |
| I'm wondering if I am brave enough to say I didn't like it much. I thought it was cleverly done and I did laugh at one spot, but it made me very uncomfortable. I guess I have been too indoctrinated to enjoy having religion made such a spoof of. |
Toujours la verite...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 |
No problems, Lovely Girl! I can forgive a fine writer like yourself anything. Anyway I always respect a candid voice. I have one myself in case you hadn't noticed.
No apologies, I'm afraid as I consider myself to be quite religious; in the same vein as did D.H. Lawrence. Also the piece was aimed rather at the quack tongued spivs like Brown, et al., who make a fast buck out of religious sensibilities and do a great deal more of a disservice to religion's assiduously ethical faithful than any comedian. Also you have put me in mind of a cute little tale of religious fervour that I might post next I have a moment.
Many thanks that last and for your honesty.
Slan! |
A Fatwa On Us all!!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 25th September 2006 |
Or two fatwas I imagine, one from the nappy-heid, gingham wrapped self propelled incendiaries, t'other from the office of the Riechjugendfuhrer himself.
Poignant and funny - underlining the inherent absurdity of religious fundamentalism. Less boring than Satanic Verses, much funnier than Life of Brian. Wonderful!
Your're right of course. The BBC wouldn't have the balls to put this on the air, mores the pity. Why not launch your own satelite channel? I'd subscribe!!!
Oli |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 25th September 2006 |
What a giggle! I like the idea of this newsdesk thingy...I'm tempted to have a dabble but everything I try and write at the moment turns out so goddam depressing that I'm not sure I should subject you guys to it!
Anyway...the long and short of it is....I loved it 
Elli |
Its thank you to Oli..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th September 2006 |
| Thank you! |
And thank you to Elli..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th September 2006 |
| Thank you! |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
