I can hear the rain outside.
Its fingers hold our room
high above the traffic.
I press one of my own against my lips,
teach the world to be patient.
The cars tell us to get out of bed,
but I close the curtains to them.
They'll prowl outside,
with wide window-screen eyes,
But the rain clasps us above the sky
and leans in, and whispers.
Its murmur makes me sleepy.
I trace the bow of your mouth with my thoughts.
I love to watch you breathe.
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Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 20th September 2006 |
Really like this. I love listening to the rain in bed. Fortunately no traffic sound though.
Just a small suggestion: In the last two lines the introduction of a sleeping partner is rather sudden and doesn't quite fit in with the rest of your verse.
Well done.
Phil.
|
Nice!!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Very evocative indeed. Unlike Phil I spotted the "us" in the second stanza.
After reading your pseudo-erotic tour de force "fly" - i kind of resent your partner being there. Bet he/she snores!
Oli. |
Oh yeh...
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
And it is called "Two" !! Go to the back of the class and don the conical bunnet!
Oli  |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 21st September 2006 |
Sorry! Lazy reading.
Phil. |
hehe
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 22nd September 2006 |
For a second there I was worried I hadn't made it clear that there were two of us, but after Oli's comments I think I'll leave any amendments Phil 
And yes, Oli, he does snore- I'm using a bit of poetic licence in this case! |
Left me with a beautiful image
Written by DozyDog (6 comments posted) 22nd September 2006 |
Great poem gutterkitty.
Really like the rhythm and the imagery of this poem; rain-fingers holding your room, cars 'prowling the street with wide window-screen eyes'... very evocative.
Concluding the poem beautifully with that last stanza - I love that feeling.
Did have to re-read the first line of your second stanza though. Don't know if it is because it feels like the line itself is a little too long and the 'with my own' had me stumped on first reading; My own what? Didn't take me too long to figure it out but it did stop the flow of the poem. May just have been me though.
Great work and a joy to read - hope you have some more of these up your sleeves :-)
DD |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 |
thanks DozyDog! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks also for pointing out that bit of trouble in the first line of the second stanza- I did wonder about it when I wrote it, but was unsure of how else to word the line.
I will try to keep my sleeves well stocked! |
Written by william (21 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 |
How sincere is this poem? The personification of rain doesn't quite work for me. Can you visualise the rain holding a room? I can't but perhaps others see it differently. doubt it though.
You have a good basic idea but your imagery needs refining. |
I loved this
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 |
I loved this poem - it conjured up all kinds of images in my mind. Two people trying to shut out the world...
That last line really got to me 'I love to watch you breathe'. So simple, yet so profound. A real expression of love.
Wonderful! |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th September 2006 |
thanks for the comments William and Lyn!
William- the poem is about two people shutting out the rest of the world. Often I find when it rains, I feel isolated from the rest of the world and safe. This is the feeling I am trying to capture- the rain makes us feel as though we are alone and far away from the rest of the world. So yes, it is a sincere piece, written about a real moment- I hope this is helpful
Lyn- I'm glad you enjoyed it, and that you understand the last line down to a t! |
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