[EXTERIOR. FIONA, EMMA AND SUSAN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE OUTSIDE A CAFE. EMMA IS HEAVILY PREGNANT AND READING A MAGAZINE AND FIONA HAS A VERY TALL POT PLANT STANDING NEXT TO HER]
FIONA: I don’t believe it. I can’t remember why I left the house this morning but I’ve bought a rubber plant.
SUSAN: If you can’t remember why you came out, how do you know it wasn’t to buy the rubber plant?
FIONA: Because I definitely remember I didn’t come out to buy a rubber plant.
SUSAN: So, your memory’s not that bad then. It’s just a case of trying to remember everything else you didn’t come out for.
FIONA: Would you like me to start with a list of exotic flora or just name things at random?
SUSAN: No, seriously. It’s a memory technique. I teach amnesia. Eliminate all the main items it can’t possibly be.
FIONA: Pampas grass, road-mending equipment, vibrators…. no, hang on, I’ll start again…. what do you mean you “teach” amnesia?
EMMA: Amnesia! What a lovely name for a girl. It’s so annoying. There are so many beautiful words out there for girls’ names, and you just can’t use them because they have negative connotations.
[FIONA AND SUSAN LOOK BLANKLY AT EMMA FOR A MOMENT]
SUSAN: Well, it’s not so much hard-core amnesiacs I help. More people who’ve reached middle age whose memories are starting to go. You know, like people who think they’ve left the gas on.
FIONA: And what do you tell them?
SUSAN: Who?
FIONA: People who think they’ve left the gas on.
SUSAN: Just forget it. It’s nearly always a false alarm. Anyway, it’s not my fault if some semi-geriatric fuckwit can’t remember to flick a switch and comes home to find their house has exploded into a pile of smouldering rubble. Jesus! People have to take some responsibility for their own lives.
EMMA: Placenta.
FIONA: No, I definitely didn’t have that on my shopping list. Placenta Fry? Isn’t that a recipe for post-natal depression?
EMMA: Damn.
FIONA: So, have you got any other useful tips?
SUSAN: Word association is good. Say you can’t remember the word “pizza”. Think of Louis Prima.
FIONA: Who’s Louis Prima?
SUSAN: Jazz singer in the Fifties. Did a song called “Angelina” [BEGINS SINGING] “...waitress at the pizzeria”. Pizzeria equals pizza. What could be simpler than that?
FIONA: Right. But then what about all the toppings? I mean, you want me to stand in front of the freezers at Sainsburys trying to picture a selection of 1950s jazz musicians?
SUSAN: You could use actors for the toppings. Pepperoni, Errol Flynn. Ham, Ben Affleck. It’s not rocket science. What’s the first word comes to mind when you think of your husband?
EMMA: Bolas.
FIONA: Toilet paper. He’s got this habit of folding back the ends of a new roll, like they do in those posh hotels.
SUSAN: And what do you think of when I say “unfaithful”?
EMMA: Guacamole.
FIONA: Profumo.
SUSAN: Right. So, if I said to you that your toilet paper had been Profumo to you for seven months….
FIONA: Eh? What are you telling me, Susan? All this “I teach amnesia” crap, you’ve just invented, haven’t you….. to tell me my husband’s seeing another woman…. is that right?
SUSAN: I’m sorry to break it to you like this. Particularly as you have to carry that six-foot rubber plant back home on your own.
FIONA: Who with? It’s you, you bitch, isn’t it. You’ve been shagging my husband behind by back.
SUSAN: No, not me, Fiona. But it is someone quite close to you. At the moment.
[FIONA AND SUSAN TURN TO EMMA]
EMMA [POINTING FIRSTLY TO THE LEFT SIDE OF HER BELLY AND THEN TO THE RIGHT]. I’ve decided girls! Nicotine and Chlamydia.
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Good business.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd September 2006 | Well, David, Old Celt, you certainly get a prize for one of the best titles I've seen lately. Doubly so as it actually manages to summarize the substance of the text prefectly. Very good piece of scripting, sans directions, I would say. And I do it for a living so you can take that as a compliment. Also you seem suddenly to have mastered the art of written humour. Funny this one; in a continuous accelerating way up to a good punchline. Nice exchanges and just the right length, I would say. Good business.
Well done!
Slan! |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 | Ambassador, you are spoiling me with your good reviews.
But seriously, many thanks Gerard. I posted it thinking stuff the comments, I really like it - then saw "30 hits no reviews" last night and decided, in the words of Phil Collins describing his solo career, "Shit, I missed again".
This is in no small part down to the feedback from you and others when I joined the site, in particular your comments about working from the end to make the text tighter and not string out the gag. And I'm really pleased you see progress.
The downside? Although it didn't take long to write, it's probably taken a while to think up all the bits in full. I read this thing about memory techniques a while back and had the image of the "Smack The Pony" girls talking all this bollocks, but it's been banging around in my head for some time - "mastered the art" is when you can reel it off at a prolific and consistently good level, I'm just happy I've managed a one-off for the time being.
Glad you liked the title. I've done "Frank Zappa Murdered My Bicycle Symphony" as well, but right at the moment, that would be just pissing on my boots.
Much appreciated comments, Gerard. Many thanks.
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Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 | Liked this a lot, and although I know next to nothing about scripts, I could see this being performed as I read it.
Nice one,
Phil. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 | | Thank you very much, Phil. Really encouraging. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 | Thoroughly enjoyable read coosh. I especially liked the snappy, no nonsense dialogue. Very genuine and unforced, with a neat ending. Well done.
happy writing
woody |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 23rd September 2006 | | Thanks, Woody, that's great you thought it was "snappy" - I was aiming for that . Cheers | Brilliant!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 25th September 2006 | Far too intelligent to represent a women in conversation though - its usually just:
shesez then isez then shesez, ohhhh...linoleum!
And they usually have that thing where they finish each others sentences. Sentences - thats right.
I loved it and chuckled from start to finish. A great slow burner and I could see it all unfold in my minds eye. Brilliant!
Oli. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 26th September 2006 | | Many thanks, Oli. I couldn't possibly comment, as I have no female reviewers for this one, as yet. Should I read something into that? | Just think boys...
Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 26th September 2006 | ...if women didn't exist then you'd have to rely on male conversational exchanges for entertainment. Can't see it somehow, can you?
Funnily enough I was just thinking the other day how 'Rubella' would be a nice name for a kiddie...
Anyway, a really funny and clever piece, well done. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 26th September 2006 | | Thank you, Clifftown. It 's weird you should mention that because I watched "Kath & Kim" or "Kim & Kath" or whatever it's called, last night, and they did some good baby-naming gags... Taramasalata sounded tasty - although imagine the poor kid having to spelling it out at primary school. | Bagus!
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 26th September 2006 | Sorry coosh, but I've ben away for a week, and only just stumbled on this little beauty. Good dialogue, and funny to boot, so top marks all round.
Rgds
Givitsum |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 27th September 2006 | | Don't apologise for being away... unless you've been following Dido on tour. Many thanks for the review. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th October 2006 | I enjoyed this very much. And I blush to say this, but my assumption was, Coosh, that you were of my gender.
This piece had such a surreal, circuitous 'Now-what-the-hell-was-I-saying?' flavor to it that it actually reminded me of a lot of conversations I have had with friends. Women friends, I probably don't need to add.
It is true that women finish each others sentences. That is because for us conversation is not as goal-oriented as it seems to be for men. My husband is driven wild by my many verbal asides and meanderings, but my women friends jump right in with their own conversational detours, and talking with them is pure pleasure. When I am talking to men, I have to clean up my act. If I attempt to talk to them as I would talk to women, I can see the question forming in their eyes: 'So what's the point?' Half the time, there is no point. The journey is everything and the destination -- well, if we get there, fine, and if we don't, who cares as long as the journey was fun?
Talking is a lot like life, come to think of it. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 20th October 2006 | Yes, Witzl. I am a man. Except on Friday nights, when I dress up as Carmen Miranda and hang out on a street corner down Tilbury Docks.
That's interesting. Bit like with shopping. Can never understand how women take pleasure in shopping - go in for an oven cloth, spend two hours looking around, and come out with a casserole dish - "But it was reduced, honey, only £99, and we really do need one". Whereas guys are just in an out (if you get my drift) - to quote Billy Connolly "they could be dishing out free pairs of Sharon Stone's knickers and they'd never notice.".
Many thanks for your comments.
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