Tesco launched its long-awaited sperm bank service at the week-end, where male clientele will be able to relieve themselves from the stress of pushing their partners’ trolleys. The controversial scheme comes amidst growing concerns that the corporation is attempting to manufacture and clone its own staff and customers, thereby knocking out the competition.

Company chairman, Sir Michael Myers, played down fears that Tesco’s expansion was invasive. “Vi haff no plans vor vurld domination,” he said at a press conference yesterday, wearing nothing but dark glasses and stroking a lion cub. “Only a new Zeefood Risotto in October.”

At the Express Checkout, regular customer George Kinsella said he was cock-a-hoop over the new scheme. “I have never been rewarded for getting in and out so quickly,” he added, waving his new Tadpole Bonus Card. The company will soon be adding a till for men with “5 items or more, if y’think you’re hard enough”, including a special Tesco fluffer service for those who clearly aren’t.

Britain’s best-loved retailer also announced Christmas plans for a Light Infantry Brigade, a Formula One Racing Team and a Crime Scene Investigation Unit. By spring next year, Tesco will offer all superstore customers the Sacrament of Reconciliation, allowing them to confess that they secretly buy most of their groceries at Asda on a Sunday. Entitlement to forgiveness will only apply to shoppers with 8 sins or less (or “fewer” for the sticklers).

The Catholic Church reacted swiftly by closing the Pope’s Clubcard account and searching for any 14th century text that would cause maximum offence to Jewish supermarket owners.

Last night, Tesco employees were standing firmly behind their management’s sperm drive. Sandra, 16, who supervises ethnic vegetables on a Saturday at the hypermarket in Rochdale said enthusiastically, “I dorn’t nor, really. But mi boyfriend’s cummin’ soon”.