I knew this girl. That day, when the snow first fell, she stood above me and wept. She let her hair loose, beautiful, blonde… Hands on my chest, she pushed, desperately. I could see her breasts through a ripped, white robe, and through her chest, heart beating, beyond her eyes, mind, shredded, through it, her soul, craving…

We never understood our mistakes. In the end, I could only see them, and went to die. As I lay, a shadow, a white shadow of the purest forms bent over me and wept. I saw her coming, dreaded moment, I hoped for the trees to stop her, but there was none that could. I heard scratches, torn wood, loosened branches… And then the clearing, my lovely death bed, witnessed her ethereal beauty, her eyes of the purest blue, deepened by her grief. As she began to move, I saw her no more. I tried to get up, felt my cold sorrow that pinned me to the ground. Feelings I couldn’t overcome.

I wanted to die that day. I had failed a human being, and found that reason enough. No more was I allowed to breathe. For I felt her grief, I felt her trembling. I felt everything that she felt, all because of me…of my failure. I had tortured that human enough. Saw my mistakes and, far from understanding them, I bowed my head. Yet, there was something that kept me here, kept me from dying. I did not know what it was. But then I opened my eyes and saw her, and knew. That day, when the snow first fell, she stood above me and wept.

‘I remember all things as a dream, yet, I know it for no dream, for you are here and I can see you. I know you for what you are. Still I am sorry, for not knowing then.’

She stood, gasping for air, not a word from her blessed lips. It was cold, colder than she was used to, no doubt. I took her hand, recklessly. She let me pull her into the house. Her silence meant more than human words could say. It meant nothing. Nothingness I was to blame for. I let her hand loose from my grasp, yet, she did not loosen hers.

‘I came …’

I was shaken by her power, awed by her crystal voice. I’ve never heard it before that very moment, and even then, it seemed not real.

‘I came to you.’

She repeated the words, not being able to show me. Such things, ‘real’ as we name them, cannot be shown. Her coming here was ‘real’. Or, so I thought.

‘You misjudge me again. Stop judging.’

It was true. How she did know, I dared not ask. Then, I remembered: she wasn’t human. She was…like me.

‘I came to you.’

But this time, and I saw. She came to me, again, not earthly, but also in spirit. It was her entire existence which stood before me.

‘You…you came to me?’

I did not know why. The motivations always slip past me. I remembered her cry. I thought it then as a cry of hate, cast upon humans. Then, as a cry of love, of true love, cast upon me to help me, to convince me not to die. But then, as I stood up and walked, it shattered…

I watched her rise and stand before me, and knew that she wasn’t human. I felt on my knees and kissed her thighs, one dear moment for each. As sexually as it might have looked, it was a sign of superiority, a gesture meant only for the likes of those that understood. I looked above, into her dark-blue eyes, and saw understanding. I had not judged her wrong. She was…as I had thought.

She helped me up. As I touched her breasts, I felt her, dazzling my mind. My thoughts were blurred, my eyes instantly caught a glimpse of her world. I saw myself, standing before me, and then I saw her, satin arms rise around my back, her face resting on my forehead, a warm soul siding mine. Locks of blonde hair, stirred by her wind, touched my face. Just for a moment, I remained standing on my left knee. And then I saw again, her world. Arms holding me, chin on my forehead, blonde hair on my face, and hers.

Then, the vision shattered.

‘… it shattered. It should have shattered.’

‘But it didn’t.’

No, it didn’t. She came to me … again.

True love, mortal love, love that we do not give, love that we do not take but only when we swear it for life. And in that moment, I did. She did. But I thought it was only for a mere second. I had forgotten the commitment one of us can make. Yet, I saw no reasons. The motivations always slip past me.

‘You must not be here.’

‘Still, you lingered.’

‘I did.’

‘Why?’

‘I waited for someone.’

‘And?’

‘She never came. I think…she could never forgive me.’

She froze, not expecting the answer. She asked for something else. I knew, for I had seen it in her eyes. I showed her what she wanted to hear, but she wanted the words. I didn’t say them.

‘You are judging yourself.’

There is a larger self, who judges itself. A thing called conscience. A thing that we are not supposed to let think for us. We are not to succumb to it, but keep it safe, under our own judgments.

‘Judge for yourself’, she added. I couldn’t. That day…I didn’t know. I’ve judged her, and did it wrong. I’ve felt, but cast it aside. She couldn’t have been …

… she couldn’t be … I saw her, that day, in the park. Snow covered all. Trees were leafless, skies were grey. She stood besides me, on a dry, wooden bench, head in her hands … crying. I’d forgotten everything, approached her. The pain I felt inside her…just wasn’t real. Still, it was most cruel, to let the pain mingle her like that. She was alone. The park was empty, lifeless. Snow covered all. Whitest, purest snow surrounded us. I sat, grabbed one of her hands, soft like satin. I looked back. We were standing on the last bench in the park, at the end of its only alley. Straight and long, it ran across, with empty trees on both sides. I could see the front gate from there, and wondered if I could ever make her walk through it, head high and confident.

Finally, she raised her head. Seeing her face made me shiver. Charmed, I gazed upon her, feasted my eyes upon her thin, red lips, smelled her rich, blonde hair and waited for her to embrace me. Then, I woke up. It wasn’t me that looked. It wasn’t my nose that felt the smell, nor was mine the desire for caresses and embraces. All were hers. She looked into my eyes, and I felt I knew her. Still, I had never seen her before. Her smile thanked me. It was a tacit understanding, and we both stood up, hand in hand, and walked. I sensed her, full of hope, for anything that may lay ahead.

Then, she saw us. Her hands trembling, her eyes accusing. ‘Betrayal.’ she whispered. ‘So, it was true.’ she hissed. And then, she turned around and walked.

I let go and ran after her. ‘Betrayal.’ The word still tore at my ears. It wasn’t true. Simple as it was, with no obligations, my love to her was true. Despite her selfishness, her rudeness…I was true.

She interrupted my thoughts.

‘She never understood.’

‘And wasn’t that my failure?’, I asked. ‘I’m sorry. You already know that. It was. I never made her understand. I couldn’t change her. I know I acted badly, I shouldn’t have judged her. We only show. But I did show her.’

‘Then, it’s not your fault.’

‘And it was all in vain … my torment. She misbelieved. A mistake. I never betray. Yet, her love, I think, was feeble. It wasn’t. Not feeble. Selfish, yes, but not feeble. It’s human, though, it’s supposed to be that way.’

‘What about you? Weren’t you selfish? That day, you’d forgotten about me. You went to die.’

That day, I went to die. Nothing could have stopped me, for I’d failed. I couldn’t stop her. I’ve shown her images of truth, I’ve deemed her wrong, I’ve proven her wrong but her feet never stopped moving along the only alley in the park. She passed through the front gates, and stopped. Hastily, she grasped the iron handles and pulled. The gates trembled and moved with hissing horror. She crashed them one into the other and left, not a thought in her mind. Enraged, she fought with every image, with every reason conjured in her mind by my love. But then I saw it. Her reason. It was as simple as mortal beings are. Yet I could not believe it. The gates stood motionless between us, and we walked away. What was convenience to her, meant death to me.

That day, I asked myself for the first time ‘how can one live without trying to change the world?’ For me, I knew the answer. It was always a ‘no’. I couldn’t live without trying. Still, what about failure? I had never failed until then. Until … her. And isn’t death a failure? I was about to fail this world, by leaving it in such an inappropriate manner. Dying… admitting defeat. I was doing just that. That day, in the small clearing, I lay down in a concrete circle, and waited.

And then it came… the torment, sensations of failure, of disgust, of disapproval from my own kind. I couldn’t go back. Never see my lands, buried deep inside the earth, near its heartless center. Silence, pitiful, covered me. The snow I stirred lay down once more. I couldn’t enjoy that silence, though. I fought between death and … something else, which I knew, but could not remember. Suddenly, I felt a soft breeze, and opened my eyes. I saw her standing above me, tears caressing her cheeks. She stood above me and wept, and I understood.

Watching her, I was as grateful. As I told her, she offered me the same. That day, she showed me herself, with all there was: grief, failure, happiness, love… I couldn’t let her down. She, who trusts me as one of her own kind; she who understands everything that I am, who cast away my loneliness; her, I couldn’t fail.

Startling, the door opened. In a moment, she disappeared, slipped past a corner and into darkness. My eyes couldn’t find her, but I knew she was there. I dared not look around the corner. The sudden fear that grasped me held my head in place. The fear that it was … her. I did not want her back. Not anymore. I knew all was hopeless. She’d never change. Not for the better, not for the worse. She would stay the same, just as this pitiful world will. It was her.

‘I’ve came to pick up a few things. I’m leaving to the city. Don’t you worry, I knew it all along. I just… just hoped you weren’t like all the rest.’

I remained silent. I gave her her things and she left. I was to leave too. I turned my back away from the wooden door that stood ajar. The door through which she left. I tripped over a stool, then slipped past the corner to see her. She was there, out of the shadows, waiting.

‘You want to go back.’

‘I was thinking about it, yes.’

‘You are giving up? The first time we’ve met, in the park, that day, on the bench, you showed to me how to not give up.’

‘Didn’t understand my mistakes then. Now it seems I do. This world…doesn’t change. Not with our help, not with anyone’s. The same vices will consume it for ever.’ She wanted to speak, to protest against my inner rebellion, but I was too fierce. I continued: ‘What have you changed?’

‘I tried to understand it, to become one with their pain, with their sins, with their lives. I’ve failed too. I will tell you … some other time. It’s all about understanding what they are … Lethiel.’

Standing there, hearing her say my name made me forget my loneliness. Not judging, nor reasons, not even words I thought of then. Light…a warm soul siding mine. I saw myself again, with her eyes, her loving, thankful eyes. Another glimpse of her world, but this time, revealing more than just images.

‘Joanna…’ Beautiful Joanna…Her name, a whisper on my lips, tasted so sweet, lovingly dull, and her face, leant on mine, felt so tender, lingering sweet on my cheek. Or was it my face, leaning on hers? My vision ceased, all of a sudden … our vision, for I am sure she had it too. Joanna was there, resting her head on my shoulder.

‘Let’s go back, I said. Let’s go back underground. We can’t fight here. Absurdity…too much absurdity.’

‘They accept it, she whispered, moving her arm around my neck. Why can’t we? We … promised. We seemed to be doing just fine’.

‘In the end, we can do nothing but look the other way.’

‘Run.’

‘Not run, ignore. That much, we can do. Don’t you see? We can but fail. You’ve felt it…haven’t you?’

Caressing my back, she embraced me, pressed her lips against mine. ‘Fight, dearest…fight.’ Her breath trickled past my face into darkness.