I've never tried to write to a strict pattern before, so I thought I'd give it a go. I've no idea where this idea came from - in fact I'm a little disturbed by it.
Pick away.
In blackest robes He rides towards the cell.
Bars and walls fade before his onward trot.
The man inside a bastard child begot.
The woman dead, wrists slit before she fell
In a bath of blood, unable to face
Life, sullied and stained with memories of him:
Clawing, pawing, tearing, biting, hitting.
A man of infinite power in his place.
Horrors, hidden and undiscovered pack
The mind of this caged, cancerous sub-breed,
Awaiting the day he is to be freed
To stalk the streets, hungering to attack.
Death’s pure white phalanges spears his heart.
Life slips slowly out. Screaming out in pain,
Blood bubbles from his mouth and falls like rain
Upon the concrete floor. Death enjoys His art.
|
Wow!!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 25th September 2006 |
Tragic yet with a stark beauty!
"Death's pure white phalanges spear his heart" - great imagery!
This reads really well for me - the rythm and rhyme scheme are good. The emotion is there, the description is sublime. The subject moving and disturbing. I am affected by this, but i'm not sure in what way. Its not a piece I could feel neutral about.
Oli |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 25th September 2006 |
Blimey, I think disturbing is right. This is a really striking piece. In fact the imagery was so striking that I hardly noticed nthe pattern the first time round! Stunning
Elli |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 26th September 2006 |
Thanks for the comments Oli and Elli. Glad it had an effect. It worried me!
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by skripglow (4 comments posted) 6th October 2006 |
| I know exactly how you feel - you ask for porridge and they bring you toast. Sometimes death looks like the only way out. But it's not. |
Written by Jay (12 comments posted) 13th October 2006 |
I find myself liking the fact that this sub-breed(great word) doesn't go free. Loved the image of Death trotting toward his next victim as if he couldn't wait - must be a little bloodthirsty huh! Great hook and reeled us onto the last word. The pattern worked well, although have to say the imagery overshadowed it. Good write.
Best wishes
Jay |
Written by AlanBrito2 (6 comments posted) 15th October 2006 |
| It's great what you expressed with this piece, because is in everybodys feellings and thoughts too. You found the deep inside of the people who read your work. |
Written by AlanBrito2 (6 comments posted) 15th October 2006 |
| It's great what you expressed with this piece, because is in everybodys feellings and thoughts too. You found the deep inside of the people who read your work. |
Written by AlanBrito2 (6 comments posted) 15th October 2006 |
| It's great what you expressed with this piece, because is in everybodys feellings and thoughts too. You found the deep inside of the people who read your work. |
HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 16th October 2006 |
| This is a very powerful poem. I can't honestly say I enjoyed reading it because it is graphically detailed in horrible images. But it certainly is well written. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 16th October 2006 |
Thanks for taking time to comment. Alan, do you have an itchy finger?
All the best, Phil. |
Written by Rain_in_the_hills (5 comments posted) 28th November 2006 |
| Its a moving work. i really like the way you described death. its one of the foremost truths of life and its appealing to hear and see imagism around it. well done !! |
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