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Not News
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| Sleep Causes Cancer Scare | |
| By Talisker | ||||||||||||
| 25 September 2006 | ||||||||||||
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Sleep Causes Cancer Scare The results of a ten year study conducted by the Swedish Sleep Laboratory (SSL) were today revealed in the latest issue of the British Medical Journal. The authoritative study of around four million cancer sufferers world wide, concluded that 100% of them had regularly been taking sleep. Doctor Cornelius Bumpus (PHD, BNP, ZZZ), who was responsible for conducting the tests, revealed that even he was astonished at the conclusive nature of the findings. “Vot started as a study ov snouring az geeven a cure vor zi grattest keeler ov our time”, he was quoted as saying. “Eet eez clear to us, zat smoking, drinking und poor diet av been cumpleet red herrings in ze search vor cancer causes”. In the UK, Health Minister Andrew Scalpel, played down reports that beds were being removed from key hospitals. “It is clearly premature to suggest that we should remove beds from wards” he continued, “I am still encouraging my Wife and children to get their heads down for a few hours each night until we can verify the Swedish findings. I would encourage the public to do the same”. However Tory shadow Health Secretary, Natasha Catheter called for the Government to take a leading role, and to avoid the “fatal delays” which she claims occurred during the BSE scandal: “They were quick enough to ban beef-on-the-bone on the back of far more flimsy evidence”, she was quoted as saying. “The UK should take a lead on this one and ban sleep outright before more people die. It is outrageous that we are putting sick people in beds and actively encouraging them to damage their health by sleeping”. Meanwhile, in the city, shares in bed manufacturers were plummeting as panic spread across the trading floors. In contrast, shares in Nestle, manufacturers of Nescafe coffee reached record highs, as supermarkets revealed that sales of all brands of coffee had rocketed. In a related development, a spokesperson for P.R. Street, manufacturers of Pro Plus stimulant tablets, revealed that their Derbyshire manufacturing plant could not keep up with demand. The head of a secret NHS Quango, who requested not to be named has denied that there are advanced plans for what are already being coined “standing only wards”, with regular patient prodding and compulsory caffeine. “This is mere conjecture at this stage”, he yawned. “However all options are being considered”.
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