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By ellyb39
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25 September 2006 |
This was fun to write hope you enjoy it too!
It began for Jed when he was quite young. He had a strange obsession, an almost autistic obsession with pattern. He looked at the patterns of pavements, jumping on the lines, brickwork, street markings, cobblestones, fabric, carpets, in fact anything even the coats of animals and people. He tried to draw them, he tried to copy them. As he grew older he tried to make his own, and became well known for his avante garde design projects. Jed was successful, trendy and amusing. People liked him for his quirky outlook on life and he was happy with his designs and attention to detail which defined his life.
But Jed did not remain this way. He became depressed for no apparent reason and his patterns would not match. The lines were askew and the symmetry did not occur. He was shaken and desperate and wandered the streets, his mind buzzing with the patterns all around him. He would come back to his spacious flat and pace the wooden floor, trying to ignore the lines on the floor, trying not to see the design in the fabric of the curtain. In the end he would put his hands over his eyes to shut it out, only to see the whorls on his skin and the lights in his eyes moving to form some kind of strange design. He had a sensory overload and did not know how to deal with it.
Eventually he left the flat and went out into the park. He stared up at the sky with the wind flapping his inadequate jacket around his shoulders. He was tense and miserable. He stared upwards and watched the birds wheeling and turning, moving towards each other. He lay on his back in the grass and watched as they flew in and out of each others path. He watched as they evolved into a shape and then broke up to form another one again and again. He lay there for some time. A strange calmness came over him. The grass was damp and it began to seep into his back but still he lay there watching attentively as the birds never seemed to tire of drawing their shapes for him across the sky. He was reminded of a black and white kaleidoscope turning and moving. Of course he had been totally fascinated with those as a child. The sky became darker and soon it was impossible to see. Gradually the stars appeared in perfect harmony with one another. He returned to his flat with a feeling of fulfilment. He could see that some design was so grand and amazing that he did not have to understand. He realised that he could only admire it with a limited understanding of its function or ultimate meaning. His world was inexplicable but that was ok. |
Patterns
Written by Fledermaus (3453 comments posted) 27th September 2006 | It's an original idea, this young man with his taste for abstract shapes, and the frustration he gets from patterns he cannot grasp, or which are simply imperfect.
The story flowed well and read easily, but perhaps you could have played around with a bit more with the structure in the second half. From 'he stared up at the sky' there are four sentences which begin with 'He'... |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 29th September 2006 | I liked the idea behind this but it didn't quite come off for me. There are some nice lines and fascinating ideas but, as Fledermaus says, the structure needs some attention. It could also have been extended a little. Still, it is the basis for what could be a really good piece.
Elli | thanks for help
Written by ellyb39 (79 comments posted) 29th September 2006 | | It is always great to see things from somebody elses point of view and in this case I realise that for me too it is not quite right. His character does not seem very real, too much going on, seems a bit like a synoposis! will come back to this later and try and sort it out. Thanks for comments. El |
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